HI everyone and happy Wednesday!
I hope you are all having a good week so far, we are half way there, weekend here we come! Although I posted last week saying I'm back, I have been notability quiet and the reason is that I was too busy sunning myself in the 30 degree heat in Portugal. To be honest, before I went away I had every intention of blogging while away, I had even written posts and had them ready to go, however, when I went to publish them, the blog posts weren't relevant to me or represented my views as such anymore. As each day passed, the more relaxed I became, which I know is the reason why we go away, to relax and try to escape the craziness of our everyday lives. However, the last three years or so, any time I went away especially on a sun holiday, I just physically could not sit still for more than five minutes, so it was so nice this time around to not want to do anything but just sit back, relax and enjoy thinking about nothing and not worrying about anything. Although I enjoyed sitting back and watching the world go by, I decided that I would try to work on 'me' while I was away, and by that I don't only mean working on my tan but on trying to sort out my big mush! This wasn't something I decided before I went away that I was going to do, it was on the first day that I started to think about the past 6 months and at how crazy busy they have been. I felt like I was watching a movie, I was sitting back with the popcorn viewing the ups and (many) downs of the past few months. As the film was coming to an end, it was only then when I realised just how much has happened this year. I also noticed how as each scene played out, the more I fell out of my new found self, i.e. I lost touch with who I had become in recent months, I fell out of mindfulness practice and I stopped putting my mental health first, I fell back into old bad habits which ended up in a very physically and emotionally drained version of myself. All summer I was clinging onto the smell of sun cream, the heat of the sun and the light sea breeze, my sister vacay was the only thing keeping me going. In all honestly, I felt so lost and so out of control this summer that I never thought the 1st of September would come quick enough, however despite that, it wasn't until the rolling credits of my movie were playing that I realised just how much I was struggling, that was also the moment that I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to let myself get back into that tiring and, what could be, a very dark place. That's when I started reading A Mindfulness Guide For The Frazzled, by Ruby Wax ( a review coming soon!), listened to my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for dummies cd and pulled out the Buddihify App on my phone, it was time to get back to basics, to try to retrain myself into the things, that for some time, were like second nature to me. The new found ways of coping that for a long time were my lifeline. Since coming home however, living the calm and balance lifestyle I enjoyed on holidays has been almost impossible. Within two days, I quickly realised that it wasn't going to be as easy has I had originally thought, all of the sudden I was overcome with fear and even tears, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress of everyday life, I was afraid that I was going backwards and that the chilled vibes I experienced on holidays were non existent at home. It's scary how quickly your mind can just jump to negative thinking and bad habits in about ten seconds, and this really freaked me out. I started to fear that no matter how much I practiced mindfulness or read books on this practice that I would never find the ( not to sound cheesy) inner peace that I have been in search for. My thoughts started to sprint around my head, like a race dog making it's way around the track. All of the negative thoughts multiplying by the second, not giving me a chance to make sense of any of them. Within two minutes, I let those negative thoughts block out all of the positivity I had found while away, and indeed any logic in my head. It wasn't until I was in counselling on Monday when I realised that living a stressful and busy life is EXACTLY why concepts like Mindfulness and CBT were developed, to make hectic lifestyles a little bit easier to deal with. If life was always like a holiday, well then we wouldn't need these things and to be honest, life would be quite boring. It's when you develop the ability to step away from a stressful situation, take a deep breathe and not let the stress and your emotions, in that moment have a huge impact on you, that even the stressful moments in life start to become enjoyable. So after all of that, what does it mean to be 24? To be honest, the next year is going to be the most stressful yet most important and magical years of my life. Despite the fact that so many incredible moments are going to happen, I know that those moments will also come with some not so easy times, however I am determined to not let those handful of down moments take away from the incredibly high moments that the next year has to offer. I feel like turning 24 has finally allowed me to have that light bulb moment that I have been waiting for. I now know that it is possible to go through stressful times without being in a constant state of upset, angry and indeed stress, but it is up to me to make sure I don't allow the slightly difficult times to build up and take over my space in my head. SO the plan for this year.... it's simple, just be the best version of me that I can be, oh and most importantly, live in the moment! Love as always, Em XXX
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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