Hi guys!! Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am for not blogging in so long, between one thing and another,I just have not had a minute to myself! I am really annoyed at myself for not blogging regularly and keeping you guys updated but one of my New Years Resolutions was to be fair to myself and to understand that unfortunately I can't do 50 things at once! I hope you are all well and that you all had a good January! In one way I can't believe January is over because it feels like Christmas was only yesterday! On the other hand, so much has happened in that month that it feels like months have passed. A few months ago, I told you all how I was starting to feel a bit stronger, how I had been thinking of going back to work and how I discovered the CE scheme. Before Christmas I got the best phone call ever from The Little Museum of Dublin to say that I got the CE scheme position with them. Although I knew about it since early on in December, it wasn't until the second week of January that I started work, so I had about 5 weeks of nerves and major anxiety to deal with. I felt physically sick the week coming up to my start date and I was sleeping even less than before. I hadn't worked in 9 months, the thoughts of starting somewhere new always scared me but this time I terrified. For those nine months I focused on myself, on trying to understand and control my anxiety and depression,on building my self esteem back up and trying to eliminate anything that caused me major upset and stress. Now with the CE scheme, I would have a job, I would be on a schedule, I wouldn't be able to just stay at home away from the world if I was having a down day and I would have some responsibilities. Although my family and friends kept reminding my that with the CE Scheme, I wouldn't have huge responsibilities, or sales targets or deadlines like in previous jobs, it was still the idea of having to leave my house every day by myself, travelling to and from work by myself and dealing with the public that petrified me. Those nine months were the most terrifying, upsetting yet life changing and eye opening nine months of my life so far all of which I can honestly say I did not achieve by myself. Every new counseling appointment, doctors consultation, every trip to the shop and towards the end of the year every interview I went to I had either my mam, dad, sister or Mark by my side. It was the thoughts of having to do things by myself again that scared me. Don't get me wrong, before I became ill I was a very independent person. I worked since I was sixteen, I enjoyed my own company wandering around town, I was comfortable going to the doctors by myself and any appointment I had I was ok to arrange and go by myself. It sounds so silly but over those nine months I felt like if I was to go anywhere by myself I would crumble. I realised when starting this new job, that even though I learned a lot about myself over the past year, I lost a part of who I was. Although I would not change the past year for the world because I know I would not be here today if I didn't take big steps and leave work to focus on myself, I do think that I have lost some self confidence and I have definitely allowed self doubt to be a permanent resident in my head for way too long. The night before I started my new job, I set four alarms, FOUR!! I was afraid I would not wake up on time and that no one else in the house would either and that I would miss the first day. I also timed the bus three times within the space of two minutes, I don't think the times change that much in such a short space of time!! I was still convinced I would miss the bus that I ended up getting a lift to the luas just to make sure I made it into town alright. I mean talk about over prepared! As silly as all of that sounds it is true, I worked myself into such a state that I felt so dizzy and sick. Once I got there, everyone was so nice and it was the strangest feeling but I felt at home once I stepped foot into the building. Everyone is so welcoming, helpful and friendly that by the end of the day when it was time to go home I actually forgot about my fear of crowds on the bus. I was on such a high that I met with Mark for a drink and for the first time in a long time I felt like a normal person, going to work and then having a drink in a packed pub in town, I felt like I had never stopped working. The second day was even better with training and a team trip to the Irish Whiskey Museum, I felt part of the team, as if I had been working there for months, but it was when I finished work for the week on the third day that I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying all night and the next day I stayed in my room, ironing, cleaning and I didn't get out of my pjs. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and I really didn't know, all I knew was that I felt extremely low and I was sick and tired of feeling this down. During the week, I felt even worse, so much so that for a good hour or so I was convinced that the best option would be to give up work. Why start something and continue on if it is making me feel low and down? The last thing I wanted to happen was to go back to how I was, miserable all of the time. I spoke to a handful of people, some I know extremely well and some I only know through speaking to on the phone, and they all gave me the same advice, something which spoke volumes to me. It is OK to feel nervous, it is natural to feel anxious going into a new job. It is also as natural and normal to want to run at the first hurdle but it is how you decide to deal with that hurdle, whether to face it head on or to run that makes the difference. It was during these conversations that I realised what I was afraid of. I was simply afraid of letting go of one chapter, the one where I was vulnerable and I had the constant support of loved ones around me, to move onto one where I had to be independent again, where I had to be me again and that scared me. As much as I wanted to move on with my life, we get used to habits and it can be so difficult to break them. It is like if someone is trying to stop smoking. They know the benefits of giving up, they know how healthy they will be once they give up, they know they are able to do it and they really want to, but they are comfortable with smoking, it is a habit. Although they are two completely different scenarios, the feelings and thoughts are similar in some ways. It is the fear of the unknown, it is the fear of letting go of your safety net. The past three weeks have been stressful and quite challenging. As well as starting work I have also been thrown into the deep end by starting a level 6 Tour guiding course in Dublinia! Between trying to learn one script off by heart, going to a course and writing small scripts for my course, my mind is just full of so many feelings, thoughts and information that sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. The thing that keeps me going is that I have to keep reminding myself that I went from staying at home most days to interacting with people everyday, to going back to college, to being surrounded by crowds every single day and most of all that I am facing all of my fears head on while getting back on track and creating a better life for myself. I am concentrating on the here and now and trying not to focus too much on the past, what could have happened or on the future, what might happen, just on the present. Nothing worth having is going to be easy but the fact that I am able to go to college and work by myself, to say tours in front of my colleagues is huge and I have no doubt that soon I will be inviting everyone there to listen to my wonderful tours!! The funny thing is, that once I started to stop over thinking every detail, I stopped stressing too much on the script and on the little things that I actually am really enjoying my job so far. It is exactly what I have always wanted to do, so why let my fear take over and ruin this amazing opportunity? Fear only has power if you let it. There is no point in hiding away and running from your fears, because if you do that you will be running for the rest of your life!! I am starting to feel like me again, but a happier and more self assured version of me. I have been through such a rough patch but I am definitely a lot stronger because of it. To think I ended up in a job that I have always seen myself in, in a time where I couldn't see myself ever being around crowds or even working ever again, it is funny how life turns out and I am definitely going to give it all I have! So I promise to keep you all updated more and to blog as much as I can! We have gotten through the January blues lets make February a great month! Love as always, Emma XXX
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April 2018
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