Hi everyone and hello March!! Where did that last month go to?!? I can't believe it is March and more importantly that my holiday has finally come around and I am out of here for a week come this weekend!! 7 days of peace, beach and sunshine(fingers crossed), is just what I need after what was the most hectic yet amazing and life changing month of my life so far! Some of you probably saw that myself and Mark got engaged on Valentines day. In some ways it feels like we have been engaged for ages but on the other hand it feels like he only popped the question yesterday. Although we have been talking about it for ages and had already had our hearts set on a date and venue, it was still a really magical moment for us both full of some surprises too. As you can imagine, we are both over the moon and enjoying our engagement by spending time with family and friends but the planning has already started between booking the venue, looking at bands, searching for photographers, it is all go at the minute. Every time I sit down to have a cup of tea it is only then that I realise that I am a slightly more shorter, chubbier version of wonder woman at the minute, flying around everywhere fighting crimes of unworthy wedding music as well as tackling the terrible crimes of drunken messes caused by the 5 or 6 bottles of champagne we were given to celebrate!! I mean how else would I be able to juggle everything!! At the same time myself and Mark are both busy at work and also busy with our courses and course work. So we haven't really spent time just the two of us without it being packing for our holidays or ordering engagement party invitations. The holiday has come at the best time possible. With everything going on I haven't had a chance to think about me. I don't mean that as it sounds, in a shallow "oh poor me" way. What I mean is I haven't had a chance to think about how I am feeling, to dwell over moments of stress or anxiety. I have been so busy running around doing little jobs and doing college work that I haven't been able to sit and think, to over think about what has happened over the past few days, to over analyse a conversation with someone, to worry about my words and actions and most of all I have had no time to just worry in general. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that the minute I sit down on the bus on the way to work, or stop for five minutes to have a cup of tea that a low emotion/ feeling or bad thought doesn't pop back into my head, because it does more often than not. The difference is I simply just don't have the time to wallow and let emotions build up and become powerful. On the other hand though it is not good to push your feelings aside and not give yourself time to relax and feel your emotions, whether they are good or bad. Yes I am on a bit of a high since the engagement but I have noticed myself being in a bit of a limbo the past day or so, I am neither really happy nor really sad because I am not giving myself time. The truth be told, I am afraid to let my emotions run naturally. I am afraid that if I let myself feel really happy that everything will come crumbling down around me just as quick if not quicker than it took for me to feel so good and happy. So I keep busy, I don't give myself any chance to feel, well to feel anything. Don't get me wrong, I am a lot more content in myself the past month or so which is the reason why I am terrified to stop and breathe. Which is one of the things that I am afraid might happen when I am away. I am dying to get away, to feel the sun on my skin, to dive in the pool first thing in the morning and to not have to rush anywhere, but not having to be busy for a week is making me worry that once I stop a flood of emotions will come flooding back and I will be back to where I started. I can almost hear each and every one of you muttering under your breathe, "is she serious? Spoiled girl!". And I don't blame you for thinking so either. It is so hard to explain and I know it sounds so stupid, that I am almost afraid to relax, I am just enjoying feeling me again. I am enjoying being busy again, working, meeting with friends, planning the wedding with Mark etc., but I can't help but wonder that once I stop if I won't be able to get back to the place I am at now. That is the thing about experience, it can be a gift and a curse. You learn from your mistakes yes, but the past can also make you paranoid about each decision you make. If you focus to much on your mistakes and on the past, then you don't give things a chance to fall into place, it is like you work against everything so they don't work out, because history has put the thought in your head that things aren't mean't to work out for you. It is all about Balance. This is a word that I really don't know the meaning of or how to achieve it. One of my greatest downfalls is my enthusiasm. I know it sounds crazy but it really is one of my downfalls as well as a strength. For example take a simple task such as an essay for college. I get so excited and enthusiastic about something that it is all I can think about, it is all I want to do and I put my all into it, which is not always a good thing as it means other parts of my life can suffer. I have a very creative mind and it is when I think of new ideas and ways to do things that I get carried away and I almost feel emotionally attached to this idea. For a lack of a better term I become obsessed with a task. At the minute however, for the first time in a long time I am finding my enthusiasm is being stretched across multiple tasks which I feel deeply connected to each and every one of them. This, in a way, is a really good thing because I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. I am not devoting my life to just one task, I am trying to treat each one separately but in a equal manner. However, I have realised that I have zero enthusiasm to relax and take time out. I am afraid I am stretching myself a little to thin, meaning I still haven't fully achieved balance. Which is why I think this holiday has come at a good time. To make me realise that relaxing and me time, which I discovered while I was off work, has to still factor into my life as it was this me time that I found myself again. I have realised, that although crowds aren't bothering me as much any more, I am back working in a busy environment and that I am feeling a little bit more myself than I have in a few years, that I am still recovering from the illness that is mental health. I am still learning from it, about it and indeed myself. Just because you get back on your feet slightly doesn't mean that you are officially 100% better, I am still attending therapy and every day still presents it's battles in some shape or form, but despite what people thought and despite my own doubts I had about going back to work and college, I am coping well and it is ok to say job well done from time to time and at the end of each day!! So guys, this month, remind yourself that you are all human. Although we all do the work equivalent of wonder woman, we are all still human and it is natural to feel down from time to time but is is also as natural and as important to give yourself a break form time to time. This month, be kind to yourself, you have all earned it! Love as always, Em X
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April 2018
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