Hi guys and happy Tuesday! I hope you're all well, had a great weekend and had time to enjoy the sun too! I'm sorry I've been quiet the past two weeks. At first it was because I was so busy with studying and training to be a viking (ROARRRRR.... it's getting better!) Everytime I tried to blog, something else came up and I had to put it to the side. However last week was a different story. About half way through the week, my anxiety was unbearable. From the minute I got up, all through the day and even during the night, I was an absolute mess. Although my anxiety was no where near as bad as it was in the past, I hadn't experienced a panic attack in months, a day full of "minor" panic attacks felt like hell. Although I was anxious all day every day, and although it felt like I was having panic attacks, I (sadly) have a lot of experience with panic attacks to know that these "panic attacks" didn't completely happen. It's so difficult to explain, especially through writing, but just bare with me and I'll try my best to make some sort of sense. The best way to describe it is to tell you about mine and my family's trip to Miami a long (long long) time ago. The minute we got there the weather was far from the glorious sunshine which we imagined. The wind was so strong that it blew the sun loungers into the pool. The breeze was almost as cool as that on a sunny yet bitter spring evening in Dublin and it was so sharp that it cut through our pasty white skin. Each morning during our short trip, myself and Katie would wake up and run out to the balcony in hopes to see a bright clear sky. Although the skies were never fully dark or lightening struck, they threatened a storm each day. Despite that threat, each day we got up, put on our sun cream and swimming suits, ran out for breakfast and then down to the pool. We sat out by the pool every morning, whether the sky was dark blue, grey or practically black, waiting impatiently for the sun to break the clouds. Despite the weather forecast telling us that the weather wasn't going to get any better and despite the storm threats, every morning we still got up and prepared ourselves for the sun. However, with each day that passed, our excitement and hope for a nice sunny day, were lessening with each day that passed as we knew that a big storm was coming. I know that all sounds very dramatic but that's how it felt as a 14 year old who was in what felt like a magical land ( I watched a lot of MTV shows based in Miami), a land that had promised so many things but had failed to deliver on one of those promises, i.e fabulous sunshine. What I had imagined it as was slightly ruined by the fear of a big storm coming. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing holiday, but mam and dad couldn't relax because they were worried about the weather, about how all me and Katie wanted to do was to go into the pool, but each day the weather was getting worse and going to the pool wasn't the best option. In one way, that's (kind of) how my panic attacks have been the past week. I woke up each day feeling happy, excited and ready for the day ahead, however as each day passed, I felt more and more anxious. Throughout each day, my anxiety would build up and up and up until it got to a point where my heart was beating uncontrollably, my whole body was shaking and I would lose my breathe. When it got to this point each day, I would think "today is the day when I will have a full blown panic attack," however with a new job and exams to study for, I was determined not to let others see this side to me, so I would just try to hide it and ultimately stop my anxiety from blowing up. You may think this sounds like a good thing, I must have some sort of control over my anxiety so right? On one hand it is a good thing, however on the other I was just pushing my problems to one side, trying to put off these horrible feelings, however what I was actually doing was allowing them time to grow, develop and become a bigger problem than they already were. Although I would never ever wish a panic attack on someone because it is a horrible experience, you feel like your whole world is crumbing around you, like you can't breathe, I actually think sometimes you are better off to let the panic attack happen. The more you resist it, the stronger it becomes. You fear it and sadly that's what anxiety feeds off of, fear. As a result, I have been so jumpy and so on edge all week, even when I thought I was relaxed and happy, I could feel the anxiety just sitting on my chest, as if it was the 14 year old me, sitting on that sun lounger, waiting for the storm that I knew was going to happen. This week, I am trying to take each day as it comes. I am throwing myself back into mindfulness, back into meditation and back into exercise, in hopes that I can channel my nervous energy into these different things and perhaps turn it into good energy. I hope that all makes sense to you guys. Anxiety is a very tricky and tough topic to talk about, especially when talking about it makes me feel even more anxious. However from the start I promised you guys that I would be honest about everything, the good and the bad, in a bid to help those of you who are going through what I am going through. Even if one of you finds something helpful in this post well then the extra anxiety is worth it! Love as always, Em X
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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