Hi everyone, I hope you're all well and that your week is going well so far. Once again, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in Manchester. The last few months for me have been good, well very good. I have achieved goals which this time last year I never thought I would be close to achieving by now. I have also had close friends and family telling me that I look great, I'm glowing and that it's great to have me back, all of which is so nice to hear. I suppose on the outside looking in it looks like everything has come together nicely and I have finally reached a place where everything is ok. The only problem with this is that although that may be how it looks on the outside, the inside is a totally different story. Truth be told, things haven't been right for the past 4/ 5 months, and as each day passes, everything just seems to become worse. As I have mentioned a few times here, my anxiety recently has been at a 9 level constantly, 10 being unbearable. I haven't been able to sleep, especially the night before I'm in work because I am terrified I won't wake up on time. I'm anxious going into work because I'm afraid that I won't meet up to what is expected of me. Sometimes I'm even anxious when I'm getting the bus or luas, something which previously took me a long long time to learn to deal with. I'm anxious that I'm going to forget something, like meeting up with someone or forget to do something because I feel so swamped lately that I don't even know what day it is half of the time. Most of all I'm anxious when I'm talking to Mark, my family and my close friends because I am afraid of dropping this happy persona, that everything is ok. If I show them exactly how I am feeling, well the look of hurt, pain and worry on their faces is something which I haven't been able to face, until recently. A few weeks ago, I realised that it wasn't just my anxiety that was at an all time high, I started to have bad dreams and thoughts, the kind of ones that led me to Pieta House all those years ago. Although these thoughts aren't constant, the fact that they have returned absolutely terrifies me. I fought so long and hard to not feel worthless, to not feel that the world would be better off without me, so when they pushed their way back into my head it really upset me. I just didn't know if I could face it all again, if physically and mentally I was strong enough to fight it all again. When I confided in my loved ones that I felt I should go back to counselling a few weeks ago, the reaction I got made me realise that they don't feel strong enough either to face it all again. So I just kept it all to myself, until I couldn't no longer and I found myself driving to my best friend's house on two weeks ago, where I threw myself on the sofa, a box of tissues in one had and a cup of tea (with no milk- She didn't realise she had no milk, "and I was doing so well Emz", she knows how to make me laugh even in the darkest moments!) crying and releasing all of my emotions and feelings. Enough was enough, I couldn't hold it all in anymore. Since that Friday it has been a weird few days. When my friend drove me home after our tea, that was the most difficult moment I had faced in a long time, telling my family what had been going on. Just as I thought, their first reaction was that they couldn't face this again, but after the initial shock, we sat down over another cuppa (this time with milk!) and for the first time in months I was 100% truthful as to how I was feeling. I explained that although the thoughts had resurfaced themselves, that they were no where near as bad as they were last time. After everything that has happened, I am so self aware, so I know when things aren't right from an early stage, and that's exactly what is happening now, I caught it on time. Once I explained everything, everyone around me has been absolutely amazing. I really don't want you to think that I don't have the best people around me because I truely do. I couldn't ask for better parents, sister, Fiance and friends, their initial reaction was simply one filled with fear and indeed their own anxieties, because we have been down this road so many times before, they can only relate to our past experiences, however the thing is, that this time I am a lot more self aware and every single one of us are better equipped to deal with it. As well as their own fears and anxieties taking over, they were disappointed but not disappointed in me, they were disappointed for me. They feel like I have been doing so well and things have been changing for the better, which they have and I am still doing well, I just have to take a step back and get back to doing what's best for me, something which I lost for a while. Although it was amazing hearing everyone's comment's that I was back to myself and glowing, it was almost like an added pressure. I knew that on the inside things weren't exactly 100%, but I didn't have the heart to admit that and let everyone down.I feel like I am almost two people, there's the happy Emma, the one who is almost like an act. Although I am happy with many aspects of my life, there are parts of it and times were I'm not happy, it is impossible for someone to be happy all of the time, however the people around me worry if I seem low or quiet, it's because they care so much. So in order to protect them, this "happy Emma", over compensates by being extra funny, extra bubbly and to be honest it's exhausting. This Emma is also the one who goes to work to give that "Disney performance" and don't get me wrong I'm enjoying my new job, I just think I jumped into 5 tours a day, 5 days a week a bit too soon so much so that it's exhausting keeping up this act in both work and at home. The other Emma, is like a lost puppy. She doesn't know how to be, how she should be. It's like she feels like she has to be the complete opposite from the extremely outgoing persona, which often then leads to quite a low and even depressed second persona. It's like a constant battle between the two and the struggle to conform to what everyone thinks I should be like to how I am actually feeling is almost happening 24/7. The best way to describe this is to use my favourite character of all time, Smurfette. Last week, myself and my godchild went to see the new Smurfs Movie. those of you who know me well know my love (and obsession) with smurfs, the night I met Mark I was dressed up for Halloween as a Smurf, enough said! I'm not going to give away the story line but the film focuses on Smurfette. As she was not a 'real smurf' as she was created by the evil wizard, she doesn't feel like she fits in as a smurf. Every other smurf is named after their personality, but she isn't so the question is who is Smurfette? Throughout the film she tries to find out who she is while trying to be who everyone around her wants to be. We went to see this movie just two days after I spoke to my family, so everything was still very raw and it sounds so silly but I did cry (like a baby) during the movie. I know it's essentially a children's movie but the story behind it felt real for me. At that moment, and every still now, I am unsure of who I am and just like Smurfette in the movie, I feel like I have to try to fit into this one persona, someone who everyone else wants me to be or believes I am, but at the same time, I am still unsure of who I am. For a while I was so focused on making everyone else happy that I just pushed my own needs and wants to the side, and have lost myself. Don't get me wrong, I obviously know that the movie wasn't real, but it's the easiest way for me to explain what's been going on for me, how I've been feeling. Isn't it funny how no matter how old we are, when we are sad, low or sick we relate back to things in our childhood like our favourite cartoons, characters etc.? They are still a source of comfort for us, no matter what our age. So that's where I'm at at the minute. I'll update you all on what I'm ding and what steps I'm taking to try and get myself back on track in the next few days, I just wanted to keep you all updated! Lots of love as always, Em xx
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Hi Everyone Well it's been a while since I've written to you all, but it has been a crazy few weeks. Between trying to adjust to the long hours in my new job, while balancing everything else and to top things off my anxiety has been through the roof, it has just been almost impossible to have two minutes to myself. For the first time in two years I am back to working five days a week. Although that is something which most people do without thinking twice about it, to go from not working at all, then to three short days a week and now to five long days, it is quite a big jump. So to say my head feels like it's about to explode is an understatement! Friday was the worst day in a long time. From the minute I got up I felt as if my chest was about to burst, my anxiety was just too much. When I got up I got a text from my mam, asking me how I was and I just replied telling her exactly how I felt. Within two minutes I had a reply, asking me what was wrong and at that time I really didn't know what it was. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realised what it was that had me in such a state. Although I definitely think the long hours and days in my new job is a huge factor on why I'm not sleeping or coping too well, it wasn't until I crossed the finish line for The Darkness into Light walk yesterday morning that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Although there is no denying that there are a number of things that are causing me to panic, I think that the thoughts of tyesterday's walk was definitely playing on my mind. I'm sure many of you have heard of and/or have taken part of The Darkness into Light Walk in aid of Pieta House. As you all know, Pieta House has been a huge part of my journey and I have spoken out so many times as to how much they really rely on sponsorship, fundraising and donations. This walk is a huge part of their yearly fundraising and with about 150 venues across Ireland this year, it is growing every single year. For the past five years I have wanted to do this walk, however I haven't been able to do it. The first few years, I couldn't get the time off work, but last year I decided I was going to do it however, I used having the flu as an excuse, I simply just wasn't strong enough, mentally. I couldn't face it. So this year, I had decided I wanted to do it, but for weeks I put registering to one side, so Mark decided to register for the two of us and I am so grateful that he did. Friday night I didn't sleep well at all, I think it was a mixture of excitement, nerves and fear that I wouldn't wake up on time. Once we got up and we were on our way to the Phoenix Park, it hadn't hit me what we were about to do, it wasn't until we reached the crowd in the park that it all suddenly felt real. It sounds so silly but for the past 3 years especially, I have dream't of the moment when I would take part in the walk, I dream't who I would do it with, how I would feel, how it would be, what the atmosphere would be like etc. The reason why I think I dream't about the walk so much is because for me, being able to complete the walk was like a victory for me, and that really hit me when I got off the bus in the park and read a message from my mam saying "this is your victory walk", something which I never told anyone. In that moment, for the first time in a long long long time I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. Every single person who takes part in the walk has their own personal reasons for taking part, each and every single one is as important as the next, which is what makes it an extremely emotional morning. You can feel love, support, loss and most of all hope in the air. The one thing that every single person had in common was the fact that we all want to show people that it's ok not to be ok, to speak up and that you're not alone. I'm not going to spend lots of time writing about the walk because as I said earlier the journey that each person took was different but the destination was the same. All I will say is that it was an incredible and eye opening experience for me personally. I always try to be honest with you guys, share the good and the bad times. However, despite how open and honest I am, I never realised how much I tried to shut out some of my past, in particular the months and even years that I spent self harming and thinking about suicide every hour of each day. Although it is more than normal to want to try and forget about some of the difficult times and try to move on, I underestimated how much those dark memories still haunt me. For the most part of the walk I was fine, not a tear in sight however it was about 3km in, and we came to these posts sticking out of the ground, each one had a different poster attached onto it, this was the one that really hit home for me: For the most part, the walk is a blurred memory already, however I remember how I felt. I felt scared, anxious and nervous yet at the same time I felt happy and proud. Although I shed a few tears, those tears were my way of saying goodbye to that long and difficult chapter of my life. Goodbye to the self hatred, goodbye to the self doubt, to the longing to end everything and most of all goodbye to the heartache and pain. Those tears were the release I was looking for for so long, my battle with suicide and self harm is finally over, however it doesn't mean the pain just disappears but it does mean that I can learn and grow from it. It is a part of my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, yet it is the part of my life that I felt changed me forever and as a result I wouldn't change it for the world.
Love as always, Em |
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April 2018
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