Hi everyone, I hope you are all enjoying this lovely ( and unusual) weather and hopefully you're not stuck inside an office on a day like today!! It is true what they say, the weather really does help brighten your mood and make you feel a lot happier in yourself, that and the fact it also can stop your skin from looking like a milk bottle!! Although I wish that this weather wasn't a novelty in Ireland, not having it everyday makes you appreciate it that bit more! So what have I been up to and why have I been so quiet lately? To be honest, I have just not had a minute to myself. I have been so busy, between one thing and another, I have just be going from one thing to the next, no rest for the wicked as they say! As a result of being so busy and barely being at home, I have been so tired, anxious and very very on edge. To make matters worse, last Wednesday was mean't to be my last appointment in the Mental Health centre in Rowlagh. As you all know I finished attending counselling up there about 5 weeks ago, so last Wednesday was basically a check up to see how I am getting on by myself and to discharge me from the service. For two weeks before the appointment, I was extremely anxious, I had no idea why and to be honest I still don't know why I was so on edge. Even at my lowest I don't think I have ever had so many panic attacks in the space of two weeks. Every five minutes I was starting to panic, in the middle of a panic attack or crying with the constant feeling that I was about to explode. I was bursting into tears for no reason sometimes, all it would take would be for someone to say hi to me or look at me funny, for my mind to jump to conclusions, go into panic mode and my heart to skip several beats. I was barely sleeping, I couldn't relax, even driving became almost impossible, I was worried about every possible thing that could go wrong on the road, as nervous as I am, I have never been that bad with regards to being nervous driving. My anxiety was making me feel crazy and more paranoid than ever, it was becoming all too familiar for my liking, like history repeating itself. It turns out I'm not ready to be fully discharged from their services. Isn't it amazing how our minds work? Especially how we remember certain things, how we link certain emotions and feelings with the simplest of things like a certain smell, song, a colour, a taste, even down to the weather, like a day out with the family, an exam, a birthday etc. any of these big moments (or even not so defining moments) can all flood back to us in just a split second with the help of one of our senses acting as a sort of an auto-cue for a play back of a scene in each of our individual movie's titled "My Life". For me, I tend to relive each aspect of each scene in my mind, from the plot, the supporting actors, the script, even as far as the emotions which may cause 'real life' goosebumps and maybe even a tear as I remember moments of both joy, but mainly, hurt, pain and anxiety. Just like a scene in a well known film, we know the outcome of the scene, we even know how we will be left feeling by the end of this showing, but we carry on watching, we carry on reliving a memory, no matter how painful it may be, because we are suckers for a good and heart wrenching drama, and lets face it what story is more heart wrenching, drama filled yet safe and familiar to us than our own? When a feeling of anxiety or panic starts to creep back into my life, I automatically think back to last year, that dreadful, horrible and draining year. It sounds so sad and stupid but when I am starting to feel anxious, a song from last year or a year old picture of myself allows me to skip straight past the anxiety build up and straight to the panic attack, no warning, no big reason, just the fact that I associate a lot of things from last year with my health and I instantly remember how devastating that year was, for everyone involved. Memory is a powerful thing, also is the art of remembering and associating things with past events, but it can also be a bitch to live with as all it seems to want to do is just drag you back ten steps while your feet are trying to continue forward. What are the things I associate with last year? Anything, anything at all. Certain songs, certain places, certain people, certain books, even certain clothes, how ridiculous is that?? Don't get me wrong, it isn't every time I hear a certain song that I break down, most of the time these things, although they bring back horrible memories, more often than not I soon remember that that was last year, and I remind myself to take a look in the mirror because I am not who I was last year. But having said that, all it takes is for a minor feeling of anxiety or panic and that is when these memories actually take over my mind and body, and make me feel as if I am back 12 months, as if I never got out of that dark hole I lived in. So what is causing my anxiety in the first place? To be honest, nothing major, nothing other than the fact that I am busy 24/7, I am constantly thinking, worrying and over analyzing something. I am not giving myself a chance to catch my breathe, I am running around, almost splitting myself into three parts, trying to keep everyone happy except myself. Don't get me wrong I like being busy, but burning the candle at both ends isn't good for anyone, especially someone who really doesn't need much help in the art of panicking. This month has also included a lot of crowds with concerts, matches and parties and the past two weeks I have been back to having a few drinks which I know neither help my health especially when I am feeling tired and drained. So where do I go from here? Unfortunately, anxiety is something that many people all over the world will experience at some stage in their life, and you know what? It is NATURAL to feel anxious at some point. What makes us human is how we react to life experiences, to stressful situation, to tough times etc., it is what separates us from robots, we have emotions and we let them take over us sometimes and that is OK! So I am facing up to the fact I am feeling a bit nervous and anxious while remembering that it won't last long if I don't allow it to. I am back trying to get a decent night's sleep, having chamomile tea, cutting down on alcohol and allowing myself to have some all important me time, something which tends to go out the window when I am trying to fit in so many things. However it is how we deal with our anxiety on a day to day basis and how we see our previous experiences with anxiety that determines how we see anxiety and if we allow it to be the protagonist in our individual movies. If you are feeling anxious or going through a difficult time, remember this, you are not alone, everyone goes through tough times but you will get through it, tough times is what makes us who we are. Love as always, Em x
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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