As you can guess from the picture, as of yesterday I am another year older and feeling it! I am still absolutely shattered from Saturday night's antics and I never want to see another jelly shot again! For many people, once you get past the big birthdays like 18, 21, 30, 40, 50 etc., the birthdays in between don't seem so special. They are just a regular day with a few nice gifts and maybe (just maybe) a slice of cake if you're lucky. In my family, no matter what age you are birthdays are always celebrated in some small way, which I usually love but coming up to this year's birthday I really dreaded it. Since I turned 13 I always remember myself and my friends nearly counting down the days until we turned 21, it seemed like such an amazing age. We would be finished school and college, have a secure job, traveled the world, be driving a convertible car and had a family all by the age of 21. It seemed like we would never turn 21, that it was so out of our reach. Now that I am officially an old person( in the eyes of my 13 year old self) at the age of 22, I look back at the past year with great disappointed and disgust. So much for the year where everything amazing and wonderful would happen, so much for having my life sorted and stress free. Of course I know that a 13 year old's fantasy is fair from anyone's reality, I can't help but feel cheated of the past year. Your early twenties are the years that are supposed to bring you joy, adventure and happiness. They should be the years were you discover yourself, let loose, travel the world and make life long friends. Although I have the most fantastic family, an amazing boyfriend and a handful of friends who will always be there for me, I feel like the rest has been taken away fro me, that the year following my 21st birthday was not how it should have been. I had so many plans one of which was to travel across Europe and eventually settle broad, but for reasons which you all are aware of those plans are put on hold. I have had my toughest year yet where I have reached breaking point numerous of times and wanted to give up far too many times. I could sit here and list all of the reasons why I should not celebrate being another year older as I could argue the fact that it could quite possibly be another year of heart break and disappointment. But I am not. Instead I am celebrating this year even more than my 21st birthday. So many obstacles have been thrown in my way, I have left work, I have lost friends, I have had many break downs but here I am a year later and still facing a new challenge as each day comes. Each day that passes I feel stronger and stronger, and I look back at the past year and smile because I am proud of myself. I am so proud of how much I have achieved and of how much I have grown as a person. I am finally in touch with my metal health, I finally know how to handle my feelings and with my new diagnosis this is just the beginning! I may have lost some friends but I have also gained so many true friends and I haven built so many fantastic relationships with people who understand me and care for me even more than I a=have ever imagined. I have learned that with joy there can come sadness and vice versa, but that each emotion you experience there is a reason behind it, and that without these experiences how can we ever expect to grow and develop? Yesterday was the start of a new chapter in my life. I am so excited for what is to come, and although I am still going to take each day as it comes, I am looking forward to next year's birthday to see how much further I have come ! I know this is cheesy and I don't do cheesy, but if this year has taught me anything it is that life is what you make of it, and that everything happens for a reason, we just have to figure out what that reason is, learn from it, smile and move on! Love, Em X
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Hi guys! I hope you all had a good weekend. I have had a very tough yet exciting week. As some of you may know from my Snapchat, I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday morning. This appointment was so I could tell my GP about my crazy episode three weeks ago and ask him where we should go from here. Myself and my mam went to this appointment as I can not remember much of what happened the night I had a bad episode, so my mam was there to fill in the blanks. My doctor was very taken aback from what we told him and he could only describe it as if I had gone back to the age of five for one evening. Although he had heard of people experiencing this sort of behaviour and going back to the behaviour of a child, that he had never dealt with it first hand. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have an appointment with another psychiatrist in October so my doctor recommended that we tell the psychiatrist about the 'Monday episode' and try to look into it further. Over the past few months I felt like there is more to my depression than I was told. I felt like I couldn't move on and get back to myself without figuring out what exactly I was suffering from. Two months ago I was referred to Clondalkin Mental health by my GP and after twenty minutes of talking to the psychiatrist I was told that although my depression was not normal depression that with long term counselling and coming off my medication that I would be ok. I felt that the psychiatrist was so dismissive towards me, everything I said was wrong and when my mam came in to talk with her she was so rude to the both of us basically saying that I was just depressed and I would soon be ok!!! So after this meeting I went to my GP to report back. He had received a copy of the psychiatrist's report, which stated the complete opposite to what we were told at our appointment. The report stated that I should stay on my medication although she said to my mam and I that I had to come off my medication. She also advised us to go back to Pieta House although I explained to her how the second time I went back to Pieta House, the service did not fit my needs at the time. She also said we should go to Jigsaw for help as they are a support group that provides long term counselling, however when I contacted them I found out that they do not offer long term counselling! If I was not confuse before this appointment I certainly was after it. It broke my heart as I felt that I was right back where I started, I was no better off. I really felt like that was my only hope to uncovering what was going on and how I could start to get back to myself. Since then I have been attending PCI Counselling which the staff are 100% amazing and so attentive, however throughout the process I felt like i have gained all I could from counselling and then the sessions were a waste, I knew it was something deeper than just talking through my issues. Just when I thought we were getting no where with the doctor on Thursday, he started talking about my diagnosis at which point myself and my mam roared out, 'What diagnosis?!?'. apparently the psychiatrist at Clondalkin Mental health diagnosed me with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder at our appointment two months ago. My first reaction was when did this happen? Both myself and my mam were there when she spoke about what she thought about my Mental Health issues and not once did she mention that diagnosis. Also when I went back to talk to my GP after that appointment he did not mention it once!!! My second question was what on earth is this diagnosis? To which my doctor's reply included him intensely googling what it was and how to treat it! He mentioned that it was from the personality disorder that my anxiety came from which then led to the depression. After explaining this he then went on to suggest that I should up the strength on my medication, which makes no sense as it was being in the unknown about my diagnosis that caused me to feel depressed in recent weeks. This was the final straw for me! When I got home I couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling. On one hand I was so relieved that we finally were given a diagnosis. After almost 5 years of wondering and worrying I finally knew what was going on inside of me and this diagnosis is the first one that seemed to fit me perfectly ( from what we know about it anyway). For all of those times I exploded, cried, started an argument or did something so impulsive and out of character for me, we finally had a reason behind it all. Also I was so relieved that it was not a more severe Mental health issue, that I could learn to manage this and hopefully move on with my life. On the other hand I was so angry. Two months they had this diagnosis, TWO MONTHS!! The past two months have been the hardest for me because every day I thought to myself there is something not right there is another reason as to why I am feeling like this. If I had of been given this diagnosis straight away when they realized what it was, then all of stress that not only I have been through but my parents, family, my boyfriend and my friends have been through could have been avoided. We have had the toughest time the past few months and we really were about to give up, we didn't know what else we could go, we have tried absolutely everything but nothing seemed to work. How dare the psychiatrist and the GP keep this from us, we have finally reached the result that we wanted but we felt so lost and confused because we were really in the dark about what we are facing and how I can learn how to deal with this. After some research we realized that the best type of therapy for my diagnosis is called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Unfortunately the prices for this kind of therapy is ridiculous money. My mam found a place called Cluain Mhuire Community Mental Health Service which offers therapy for at no cost, however due to my catchment area I will not be able to receive this treatment. I think it is absolutely disgraceful that where I live determines what help I receive from the HSE. What does that alone tell you about how they see people's needs regarding Mental Health issues? The answer is that unless you fit perfectly into a neat labelled box like Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia etc, then doctors or psychiatrist's just don't know how to treat people suffering with the illnesses in between. I am absolutely horrified, shocked and appalled that we do not have the resources for people out there who need help. i am one of the lucky ones, I have such a supportive family behind me and I am not suffering half as bad as others out there, so what happens if someone is suffering all of the above illnesses, where do they turn to? Are they told that they just have an 'unusual case of depression'?!?! At the minute I am so confused as to where the next chapter of my journey is going to take me and although I am so scared as I really do not know what is ahead of me I am so excited to go forward and hopefully find who I am once again. However I am so disgusted that there is no support and a huge lack of knowledge out there as to what my diagnosis actually is. I am determined to get to the bottom of my illness, but I am also determined to document absolutely everything I encounter and discover about my personality disorder throughout my journey so that other people do not have to live in the dark. I really believe that no matter who we are, where we live, where we are from etc. that we should all receive help from the HSE or at least some information and guidance as to where we go form here and that all of the psychiatrists and doctors should be fully trained how to deal with this type of illness instead of keeping us in the dark and turning to google for the answers. It is definitely time for a change! love EM xx Hi guys, Unfortunately this is not going to be one of my most happy posts that I have ever written however this I feel is such a huge topic that I have to touch, however I will warn you that this may be a difficult post for anyone to read, especially those suffering with or who know someone who is or has suffered with depression. Today I heard someone say the most hurtful, disgusting and awful thing I have ever heard in my life, that people who claim to have depression, anxiety, bipolar and other mental health issues and people who have committed suicide or have expressed that they have considered suicide are selfish people. This person's argument was based on the fact that people choose to be depressed and sad all the time, that you can choose whether to be happy or to sulk around. They argued that people with depression make them angry because they are selfish as they crave attention. I don't know about you, but I let out a huge roar in the car when I heard this. It actually made my skin crawl, but do you know what the worst part is? It is that deep down I know that unfortunately it is not just this one person who thinks like this as it is not the first time this very speech has been said to me. Although my first reaction was to scream and slap this person ( I am not a violent person by the way), once I cooled down and thought about it for a while my anger turned into disgust and confusion. How dare someone think that people who suffer from any mental health illness chooses to suffer! I have been diagnosed with depression for three years and I have worked so hard trying to work through it and fight it. I have seen four different counselors including a psychiatrist, I have tried different Mindfulness and meditation techniques, I have tried keeping busy by working and studying throughout these years, I have tried leaving work and putting all my energy into getting better. I have tried regular exercise and a clean diet and I have tried not drinking alcohol. I think it is safe to say I have tried the lot at this stage, but the one thing I haven't done is give into it. I have worked so hard on trying to maintain a positive energy and trying to see the best in everything. There are two reason's why I haven't given in, and believe me there have been a handful of times were I came so close to just giving in and ending my story. The first reason is that I have the most support and amazing family around me. We are a small unit the five of us (including Mark) yet the support I receive on a daily basis is the same amount as if twenty people were there for me. Although they don't 100% understand what I am going through or how I am feeling, which is understandable as I don't understand it completely either, they try to understand and they provide the support that they can. It is only in the past few months were I have started to take their advice and put myself first, by doing so I have lost some friends and I am not as close with some family members but no matter what happens those four are always there for me, and I seriously would not be able to get through half of the stuff I have without them. The second reason why I have not given into the temptation of giving up is because of me. Although I am always the first to give up when exercise is too much for me or when a book is too long or when I am not good at something, when it comes to my mental health I have this determination inside me that wants to fight it until I am back to myself. I don't know how or where this determination has come from, but it is what keeps me going when I have a bad day, or when I think about self harming or the thought of just staying in bed all day and avoiding everyone comes to mind. I am not giving into my depression, and although I wake up every morning in the unknown as to how I am going to feel or whether I am going to have another crazy episode, I keep going. It is a constant battle, I have to keep fighting with myself but I know that one day I will look back on this experience and be so proud of how far I have come. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have either the support or the determination that I have to not give up. Although I feel alone 50% of the time, there are people out there who are 100% alone as they have no home support and therefore they give into the temptation to give up, they see no reason to carry on struggling, because it is a struggle. This is what people who have not suffered with depression or who haven't known someone really well who has gone through it don't know. Although everyone reaches a low point in their lives, the difference with depression is that there comes a point where you are fed up feeling low, you have tried everything in your power to get better and the only option is to give up. You feel so helpless at times, you hate yourself for everything you are putting those around you through. The difference between someone who has a bad day every once in a while to someone who has a bad hour every day is that the latter struggle to see the positive in even the biggest things, and it is so draining. So imagine how tough it must be for those who have no support, who are fighting this battle alone. In my opinion, the term "I am so depressed" is used way too lightly in today's society. Although some people would argue and say that this is a good thing that people are acknowledging depression, this is a completely different context. In my opinion this is almost mocking mental health issues, I know when people say it they don't mean to mock people but I think this term is what makes people think that depression is some sort of joke or that people who have it are using it as an excuse for just feeling down. Trust me if I could just 'decide' to be happy I would. I HATE feeling like this all of the time, I HATE putting my family through this and I HATE not being able to work and get on with my life. If there was a magic button that would just let me get better and forget about the past three years I would, but there isn't. The problem is is that people don't want to admit that depression is a real illness because it actually frightens people to think that everyday there are people out there who feel like this and want nothing more than it to end. Mental Health issues have to be viewed like any other terrible or fatal illness because the fact is that depression can be fatal if people have no support or do not get to the bottom of their depression quick enough. Although in many cases, people with depression can get to the bottom of what is causing their depression by attending counseling regularly and working through the issues that are causing them pain. Unfortunately for some people their depression is at a deeper level and may be due to other mental health issues underlining or a chemical imbalance. Although the theory of a chemical imbalance causing major depression is not 100% agreed upon by doctors and psychiatrists, for some people this is the underlining reason why some antidepressants or counseling just is not enough. The life of someone living with depression is completing misinterpreted. At the moment, I am not fit for work. Some people in the past few months have said how am I not fit for work? Surely it is just a matter of focusing on work and forgetting about your depression while in the work place? I really really wish that this was the case, that it was just as easy as forgetting about my depression, but unfortunately it isn't. I have worked through my depression for the past three years and as a result I never felt 100% better. This year I made the huge decision to stop working to try and get better. It is not just a case of leaving work and relaxing at home. Making that decision means that I was putting my life on hold. Myself and Mark were planning on travelling Europe in 2016 or moving abroad but due to both my mental health issues and not working we can't go. I have worked my bum off in college for two years and I had reached my perfect job as a result of hard work but everyday was a struggle. I couldn't go into work without having a panic attack. This decision was not just made one day, it was something that I had been thinking about for the past year. I have been in jobs were I have been openly bullied because I was honest about my depression and anxiety, so leaving work was a scary and big deal for me. Thankfully IACT were absolutely amazing, completely understanding and i have made some lifelong friends in there. Some people look at my Instagram or Snapchat and think I have a wonderful life, that I do nothing all day and that I lie in til 1 p.m everyday. Well I hate to break it to you but I don't. I attend counselling once a week, I practice Mindfulness everyday, I keep myself busy by visiting my grandparents, helping relatives out and doing stuff around the house. There is never a dull moment. I face obstacles EVERY SINGLE DAY which I get trough but sometimes it sets me back for weeks. Someone said to me recently you're lucky you don't have to be up early, having mental health issues is a full time job in itself and I really mean that. I barely sleep at night time, which leads me to sometimes having a sleep during the day. This is not because I have nothing to do but it is because my brain is constantly on the go and I can never switch off. I have to have a sleep during the day in order to function, which leads to a vicious cycle. In fact last night was the first sleep I have had in six months past 6 hours. I know that this is a major rant, but it is one that I think is vital in order for people lie me to get help and for others to understand depression that bit better. Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views but I think the problem is that there is a lack of awareness and education on mental health issues and just how hard life can be. Not everyone who suffers has the same story as me, and that is the thing you really don't know what way this illness will effect someone. People being judgmental and saying nasty things about those living with depression is what makes people afraid to speak out. Well I have had enough of staying quiet and keeping the peace. I urge you all if this is the only blog post of mine you read or share that you do so as I think it is the only way to spread awareness and to stop people thinking the way they do about Mental Health issues, trust me if we could we would sprinkle some of Tinkerbell's magic dust and just live a normal life, but the scary thing is that there is no magic cure, that a handful of people go thorough this for life. The only way to stop it is to provide support and awareness, which I think really hope this does. To anyone who has been on the receiving end of a horrible comment please don't give up, don't listen to those people and don't give them the satisfaction of winning. They are people who are ignorant to this illness and we should feel sorry for them, because we are stronger than they will ever ever know, and tat is something to live for. Lots of love, Em XXXX Hi Guys, Happy Friday eve!! In the 'Hello August' post, I spoke about how we never focus on our strengths but how we are more than capable of focusing on our weakness. Although I am trying not to focus on my weakness, I still do from time to time. In yesterday's post I spoke about how I have been blaming myself for what happened last Monday and that up until now I never seen the good in anything I do, but recently I have been acknowledging that with each day that passes I am getting stronger and stronger and I am starting to accept that I have both my strengths and weaknesses but that my strengths are a bigger part of who I am. In my last post I spoke about how I am proud of the blog and how much it is helping people as well as myself. In counselling, I was asked a very tough question, how do I think I am able to help people and why do I think the blog is helping people as much as it is? I was stuck for an answer. I couldn't think of an answer other than people have an interest in the issues that are addressed in the blog. I thought this was the correct answer, and although it is a huge factor in the reasons behind the popularity of the blog the counselor suggested that maybe it has something to do with me. A few weeks ago, my counselor gave me the following website:
This website allows you to do a character strength test in which you complete a series of questions and based on your answers they give you a list of your top character strengths. When I did the test my top five character strengths were:
At the time when I did the test I didn't think much of it or what the results meant. However, in my last counselling session, after we spoke about the blog and why do people like it, my counselor started talking about the results from that test. We spoke about each strength individually and how each strength has helped me create the blog, write posts and are some of the reasons why the blog is successful. After talking about my strengths individually it makes sense that they are what helps me work on the blog. Although I write about my weaknesses and about the tough times I have been through, the character traits of humility honesty and fairness allow me to write openly about my experiences but it is the creativity trait that helps me think of new posts and new ways of writing and creating posts. I am the type of person who if someone asks me a question about my Mental health Issues I will give them an honest answer, no matter what the answer may be. I don't hold back I just say it as it is what is the point of hiding the truth, we learn from the truth. By talking about these traits I was able to admit that I actually do have strengths and that these strengths are shown throughout the blog. The blog is helping these strengths to grow and develop, and these strengths will help me get better each day. I am not the type of person who boasts about themselves but after talking about my strengths with my counselor I was on such a high. I felt so good about myself and so confident in myself, I do have good points but it is so important that we acknowledge our strengths more than we do our weaknesses. Why do we pick out our downfalls and not the things that make us great? If I didn't have those strengths I probably would not have started the blog, I wouldn't be able to spread awareness of this topic and I wouldn't be able to help others, so I am thankful for these strengths. In order to do this test you must register but its doesn't take long and it is free of charge! So try this test and once you know your top strengths try to take a mental note at how and when your strengths are used. Be proud of your strengths and remember they help define you a lot more than your weaknesses do, so be proud of them and allow them to develop and grow. I bet you will be surprised, shocked and happy at how wonderful you are!! Let me know how you get on! Love Em X Hi Everyone! I hope you are having a good week so far and that you are all keeping a positive mind and kicking out the negative thoughts for our clear out month of August! As some of you may know from my last post, I have had a tough few weeks so I haven't been doing too well with the positive thoughts. However I am trying to get back on my feet. I have counselling every Tuesday, I didn't go last week as I was still a mess from the events on Monday so yesterday was my first session since my latest set back. At first I was so nervous and shaken. I really did not know what way the session was going to do. I was so tempted to skim over last weeks events and just sit in silence for an hour to avoid bringing up all the emotions from the past week up again. The thoughts of re-living everything seemed so unbearable, but I knew I would never be able to move on and learn from this experience if I couldn't talk about what had happened. So I started talking and a half an hour later I had re-lived the entire week, my emotions and how I feel about the whole thing. I was so shocked with myself, I really didn't think I would be able to explain what happened. Going through the whole thing made me realise that maybe I had just pushed a few things that were bothering me to the back of my head for the past three months, only dealing with a few things that had been bothering me. I was kidding myself, trying to tell myself that I was getting much better and that those things at the back of my head did not mean anything to me, that they weren't bothering me anymore. I realise now that I was kidding myself. I was trying to trick myself into believing that I was ok, that I could get back into work and start planning holidays and other things months in advance without taking each day as it comes. I once again was putting way too much pressure on myself to get better and get back to normal. I hate the situation I am in at the minute. In my session I realized that I feel let down, let down by myself. Growing up people said that your 20's are the best years of your life. Some of my friends are working full time, others are travelling, others are starting a family and some are studying, and look at me. I am not working, I am constantly in and out of the doctors, I am on anti-depressants and I am going to see another psychiatrist all before the age of 22!! I know everyone goes through rough patches and I am by NO means saying that everyone else has a perfect life at all or that I am the only person who is going through this, but I am so upset with myself. How could I let this illness take over my life. I spent the next ten minutes in counselling giving out about myself, calling myself every name under the sun and picking out all of my faults. When I finished my rant I felt like I had said all I wanted to say. I just wanted to crawl into a big deep hole and never come out. My head started filling with negative thoughts, I know running away from a problem or feeling isn't the best or bravest thing to do but the past few weeks it seems like the only thing that might slightly help. In that moment everything that I had ever done that was in any way negative popped in my head, which helped me to form a case against myself to prove that I am this horrible selfish person whose Mental health Issues consumes my life and the lives of people around me. My counselor asked me what I do in my spare time to which I replied with fashion and beauty mood boards, watching tv and doing stuff for the blog. I spoke about the blog for the remainder of the session. The mood in the room changed from low and negative to this burst of energy and joy in just seconds. I couldn't stop smiling and talking about the blog. My counselor said that the change in my body language, attitude, the sound of my voice and my facial expression when I talk about the blog is incredible, she said it was like a totally different person. She asked me why I like to do the blog and although 80% of the reason I started this blog was to help myself, to document my journey and to learn how to deal with my Mental Health Issues, at the minute that percentage has gone to 50% because the other 50% is to help other people, you guys. All everyone keeps telling me is that you have to look after number one which I 100% agree with, but the type of person I am, I find it so hard to think of just myself. I would rather help someone else through their tough day than talk about my own tough day, it is just the person I am. Don't get me wrong, throughout this journey I am trying to think of myself a little more and put my own needs first but the fact of the matter is that helping people has really boosted my confidence and has helped me try to get over the past week. The counselor then asked how do I know I am helping people, and this answer was the easiest answer of the entire session. I know because the amount of beautiful messages, support and feedback I am receiving from you all is unbelievable. I am so overwhelmed yet so happy and grateful with all of the texts and Facebook messages I am receiving. When I started this blog I really did not know what way the feedback would go. I hoped people would read it, share some posts and learn from my experiences and use my tips to help them. I feared that people would laugh, turn up their noses, think that it was embarrassing and take pity on me. Although some people have done this and that is up to them everyone is entitled to their own opinion, on the other hand the amount of support I have received is unbelievable, I never would have guessed that the blog would touch so many people as it has. A lot of the messages I am receiving are telling me how I am inspiring people to talk about their own mental health issues and times when they have felt low and that they are learning from my experiences. I really can not explain how happy I am to hear this and for the first time in a very very very long time how this feed back makes me proud. I sat in that counselling session and I realized that I have started something so special, even if the blog only helps a handful of people it is still doing what I set it up to do and that is to spread awareness of not only about mental health issues and how they affect different people but also how you can try to manage your mental health issues, how it does not have to ruin and consume your life. I had the idea of the blog for about a month before I actually started to do some work on it. There was always this little voice inside me saying that it was a stupid idea, that it wouldn't work and what would people think of me? I am so happy and relieved that my creative side won and that the blog is the outcome. I just want to help other people and it is doing even more than that. When I was in Portlaoise two weeks ago I said to Mark that I might stop doing the blog because I was paranoid that people might think its was ridiculous. He convinced me not to stop it and I am so thankful that he did. Just before I left my counselling session she asked me how does the blog make me feel? It makes me feel like I am a part of a little community, a community of people who understand each other and who support each other through dark times. Some of us know each other well, some of us just know each other from saying hi on a walk and some of us don't know each other at all, however we are a close community and I really think we are going to get stronger and stronger and not only spread the word about depression, anxiety and other mental health related illnesses, but to help each other overcome them. So I want to say a big thank you to every single one of you. You have all helped me so much by giving your feedback and support, I feel like I finally have a purpose again which is this blog. I am really enjoying every single minute of it and I am learning a lot about myself and you are all helping that by sharing my posts and liking stuff on Facebook. I am fed up if doubting myself, my talents and my thoughts because clearly this idea was a good one. From now on lets stop caring and worrying about what other people think, lets stop foreseeing that people will think only negative thoughts about us. Instead lets be brave and enjoy this huge roller coaster that is life, we determine how much we enjoy the ride! Love Em x Hi Guys! I hope you are enjoying this amazing weather, can you believe it? I am actually wearing sun cream in Ireland!! I am not complaining!I am sorry I haven't been blogging in a while. As you, know from my recent posts I have not been great the past couple of weeks. I can't pin point at what particular point I started to feel down again but it all came to a head on Monday afternoon. I don't really know what happened, I can't really remember much of it to be honest. I went to Avoca on Monday for lunch with my aunt, cousins and my sister. The food was amazing, the coffee was good and the sun was shining. Once we stood up to leave I started to feel really weak and disorientated. I was really confused as to where I was and all I could think of that I was so thirsty, it felt like I hadn't had water in weeks. Once we got home, the worst of it happened. I started to get this tight pain in my chest, it felt like I was trapped in a small space and I was clinging to my chest to try to get some air. At the start it felt like a panic attack, but it just escalated from there, I never felt anything like it before. I won't go into detail because it was not a pretty sight from what I can remember. From the way my boyfriend and family have described my behavior it was as if a mad woman was trapped inside and was finally released. I started talking nonsense, I was not making any sense. I went from giggling like someone possessed at absolutely nothing, to crying like a banshee. I had pulled my hair out from a neat and tidy bun and by Monday night it looked like I had back combed my hair! As I said, I don't remember much, but I remember feeling terrified, terrified of what was happening to me. I could't stop myself from crying, laughing, screaming, crawling on the floor and acting like a three year old. I have never ever felt like that in my life. I went from spinning around on the floor to playing the piano, after three years of not playing it. For those of you who have watched Pretty Little Liars, I was exactly like Mona when she is admitted to Radley, as I said scary! My family were petrified they didn't know what was happening to me. I had been experiencing really bad mood swings a few days previous, going from extremely giddy to non stop crying, but nothing to the extent of what happened on Monday. We went to the doctors in Park West as the surgery around the corner fro me was already closed, the doctor was absolutely amazing! She was on the ball with absolutely everything. We got to the surgery at six p.m just as it is closing and she saw us with no hesitation. If I hadn't of gotten to the doctor then I really don't know what would of happened that night, I am just blessed that we caught the doctor before she left the surgery. As I have mentioned previously, I have seen a psychiatrist, who was not much help. She was very dismissive and said the only way for me to get better was continuous counselling, which she also gave me incorrect information about local counselling services. Although that particular psychiatrist did not think I had to see her again, the doctor I saw on Monday referred me to another psychiatrist. Although she reckons I will be ok, she does think that maybe a deeper look into my depression is necessary, it might help me to get the correct medication and/ or diagnosis. I have not had a sleep past five hours in at least six months which I reckon is the main source of my mood swings and this recent episode. I also think that I started to see that I was coping better and feeling more myself, so I piled the pressure on myself. I started to doubt myself with every decision I made no matter how big or small it was. I blame myself for getting sick in the first place, that I had to leave work. I feel lazy and worthless. I am paranoid at the best of times but I am so paranoid now that at the weekend I was sitting on top of the stairs making sure my family weren't talking about me. I was trying to keep busy by meeting up to four different people every day, keep on top of house work, apply for jobs and exercise at least four times a week. I know for some people this is an average week, but at the minute it has all proved to be too much for me. I am not ready yet for all of that and I have to learn to accept that. The doctor prescribed sleeping tablets for a week to get my sleeping pattern more consistent and also prescribed tablets to keep down the hyperness and mood swings, as well as staying on my normal medication( I am terrible with remembering medical terms!!) I was reluctant to go on sleeping tablets, but I have not slept in months so I will try these until the end of the week to try and gain some hours of sleep back. I have my new referral for the psychiatrist already, as I said the doctor was on the ball and I owe her a lot! It was agreed that I am better sticking with my regular GP and going back to him in a week or so to see if I am to stick on the new tablets. We also agreed that I should continue attending counselling. At the start of this journey I was so embarrassed to admit I was on medication and attending counselling. I thought it made me weak. I need to try to stop thinking like this. I have no self belief and my main problem is that I am an actress at heart, I can act that everything is ok. However my family, boyfriend and best friend know me better than I know myself and they knew I needed help, to them I am so grateful and apologetic. The last thing I want is to be a burden, but I am trying to stop thinking like that. They are there for me like I would be for them and that is true love. I am sorry if I do not blog as much as I have been, it is going to take awhile for me to get back to how I was four weeks ago, but I will get there and I will carry you with me every step of the way. Love Em X HI Guys! Here is a beautiful poem by my good friend Derek Tobin which really links in with our theme of self belief for August, please check it out! RAY OF LIGHT RAY OF LIGHT DRIVING TO WORK THE OTHER DAY A CLOUD PASSED OVER THE SUN, IT’S TRYING TO HIDE THE RAYS, I THOUGHT, AND ALL THE GOOD THEY HAVE DONE. IT HELPS US RISE EACH MORNING, BIRDS SING AND FLOWERS DANCE. RAYS ON OUR FACE BRING SMILES AS WE TAKE OUR DAILY CHANCE. BUT FOR SOME THEY DO NOT SEE THE LIGHT, THEY SEE ONLY DOOM AND GLOOM. IT’S THESE PEOPLE AROUND US, IN OUR LIFE, THAT WE MUST MAKE SOME ROOM. TO BE THERE WHEN TIMES ARE TROUBLED AND THINGS ARE QUITE UNPLEASANT. TO REMIND THEM OF THE GIFT OF LIFE AND WHY NOW IS CALLED THE PRESENT. THAT THE SUN WILL RISE EACH MORNING AND THE CLOUDS WILL DRIFT AWAY, THAT THEY HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE THIS WORLD EACH AND EVERYDAY. THAT THEY ARE WORTHWHILE PEOPLE NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS FEEL. THAT THEY ARE STRONG AND JUST AND MUST LIVE THEIR LIFE FOR REAL. SOME PEOPLE JUST APPEAR AT TIMES TO HELP THESE PEOPLE OUT , THERE IS A REASON THEY TURN UP , OF THIS I HAVE NO DOUBT . THEY’LL NEVER KNOW THE GOOD THEY DO, SOMETIMES THEIR NOT MEANT TOO. A WINK, A NOD, A SMILE, A HUG OR A SIMPLE HOW ARE YOU. FOR THERE THE RAY OF LIGHT I TALKED ABOUT, NOT THAT LONG AGO, WITH ALL THE GOOD THERE LIGHT DOES, MOST OF THEY’LL NEVER KNOW. IF THIS NOW SOUNDS FAMILIAR, THERE'S A REASON FOR THIS HUN. FOR YOU’RE THE RAYS I TALKED ABOUT COMING FROM THE SUN. YOU DON'T PICK WHERE YOUR LIGHT IS NEEDED, IT’S CHOSEN AHEAD FOR YOU. YOU HELP RELEASE THE PAIN FOR THEM AND SHOW A PATH THAT’S TRUE. THEY MUST CHOSE THIS PATH TO HELP, AND HEAL THEIR INNER PAIN. YOU DO THIS HUN, YOU ARE THE LIGHT THAT HELPS THEM LIVE AGAIN. DEREK TOBIN It's the 1st of August and with a fresh month comes a fresh start which means a big clear out is about to happen in my house. By this, I don't mean the typical clean out your wardrobes and bin all of your old clothes clear out, its time for a mind clear out! Why is it that we focus on the negatives about ourselves? Whether it is our looks, what we are wearing, the way we speak, what we say, our thoughts, the way we do things, whatever it may be we are quick to judge our own downfalls and mistakes, but the last one to pat ourselves on the back. For me, I am my worst critic. I always point out my own negatives and I am never kind to myself. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life and I tell myself I am going to fail at a task before I even do it. When I started back counselling earlier this year, the first question I was asked was how do I feel about myself? My answer shocked both myself and my counselor, I loathed myself. I always knew I didn't like myself and I always wanted to change who I was, but to hear the words come out of my mouth, it shocked me. During counselling, we explored the reasons behind my self-loathing, to my surprise it had stemmed from a very long time ago. I thought that it was just a case of changing my opinion on my self and suddenly love myself, but the thought of loving myself seemed crazy and selfish to me. It turns out in order to love yourself you have to understand yourself a lot better, why you hate yourself, what triggers these feelings and how can you change your feelings towards yourself. It is a journey I am still going through. I have learnt a lot more about myself in the past 4 months than I have in 21 years. So for the month of August I am asking you to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself how much do you actually know about yourself. I know it sounds crazy, you are your own person so how could you not know yourself? You will be surprised how many of us would rather skip getting to know ourselves and would rather learn more about another person.So as you are looking in the mirror, what thought comes into your head about yourself first? If it is negative like I don't look nice today, take that thought and ask yourself why do I not look nice today? Who said I don't? Break that sentence down again, did you pick out what you are wearing? Why did you pick it out? 9 times out of ten you will be surprised with the answer, it is more than likely I bought this for me and I picked it out because I like it. However we automatically knock ourselves down when asked about how me look. Now look at yourself again and change that first thought, For example: I picked out this top because I like the colour on me. How better does that thought make you feel compared to the original thought? I know it sounds like a silly exercise, but trust me by doing this once a day you will be surprised how powerful this exercise is to change your opinion of yourself. Each time try to let a different thought pop into your head and break it down like what how you did with the thought about how you looked. So think of August as a clear out of these negative thoughts, I will update you with how I am getting on and with other tips and tricks. The key to feeling loved is that you have to learn how to love yourself first! Hello August!! Em X |
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April 2018
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