Hi guys,
So as promised, this week we are following on from last week and we are focusing on trying to live in the here and now. As simple as living in the now seems, many people (including myself) find it a extremely difficult thing to do. Living in the now is a way of living that takes months and months of practice, and sometimes things that take time and effort just seem not worth it as we are constantly in a hurry to get to our next destination asap, we want to find a 'quick and easy' solution as to why we are feeling so low. Unfortunately, anything worth having takes time, effort and patience! And I have learn't this the hard way. It is only very very recently that I have decided to try something new, to live in the moment. Like many of you reading this, I thought it would a very simple and easy task, and that it is once you have done some research and practiced this way of living over and over again. To live in the moment means that you are completely focused on the here and now. You are not worrying about the past or the future, and as a result you are more aware as to what is happening around you right this second. When you live in the present you are living where life is happening. The past and future do not exist. A few weeks ago when i was explaining this to someone, they looked at me as if I had ten heads. They said, "well of course you are living now." However there is a difference to being physically present and mentally present. Imagine this, you are having a conversation with a friend and they mention the word presents. I don't know about you but one too many times my mind has skipped through the whole year to December 25th and i mentally make up a list of who I have to buy for and how I am going to afford it. It is one thing being organised and picking up a few bits here and there but it is not healthy lying awake at night worrying about something that is four months away!! Or if you are having a conversation with someone and but your mind is thinking about something that happened four months ago. You are not really living and enjoying life as it is happening, you are too busy focusing on things that really don't matter right now when you think of it. Imagine having a conversation and actually being 100% focused and mentally present for the entire thing??? It's hard to imagine, but once you have one you will wonder why you didn't try to live in the moment years ago! So how do you try to live in the moment? Things like mindfulness and meditation are a great way to bring you into the present, however they are things that will come to you at a later stage. It is like if someone is learning how to swim, you don't put them in the deep end and expect them to do 400 meters do you? Like swimming, you need to take baby steps when learning something different and especially with learning how to live in the moment you have to take each minute as it comes and not try to race to the deep end from day one. What I love about this practice is that there is no real right or wrong way, you live in the moment the way you want to. The way to start your journey is just learn how to give your mind a break for even five minutes. Learn how to take in what is happening around you right now, taking in the smells, noises, what you see etc. Although it is important to note these things, it is more important to not judge them, to just note that they are happening. If you feel your thoughts drifting off topic and to the past or the future, simply let these thoughts happen and then when the thoughts have finished slowly bring your attention back to what is happening now. So imagine you are on your way into work on the bus. Turn off your music, put your phone in your pocket or in your bag and just be. For some people it is easier for them to close their eyes so that they are not distracted. If you are too embarrassed to close your eyes on the bus (lets face it many people have even fallen asleep on the bus), then just sit up straight and look out the window. Notice what is going on, what you can see, what your can hear but don't force these thoughts and most of all try not to judge them. As simple and easy as this seems, the first few times you try it, it will be quite difficult as thoughts will try to force their way into your head while you are trying to focus on the now you may get quite frustrated as your brain will wander form time to time. It is natural for the brain to wander, so don't give up. The ore you let the thoughts pass and re- focus on the now, the less frequent your mind will wander the next time you take a minute to experience what is happening now. So for the next few days, try to live in the moment. What is happening now, right this moment? After the first few tries, this will start to become a natural thing to do and I can promise you that your head will feel a lot lighter and not so bogged down with thoughts running through your mind. Good luck lovelies! Love as always Em XX
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The past four days I have been going back to this very blog post, trying to write about my anxiety, what causes it and why it got so bad. Each time I go to write or add on to it I get what I thought was writer's block, I couldn't think of what to say or if I did I would go back 5 seconds later and delete it. I'm no J.K Rowling, but it is rare that I have no words to say, well in this case type. I couldn't understand why I was finding it so difficult to talk about my anxiety. As you all know by now, it is something I talk about so openly to anyone who asks. I have no problem sharing past experiences, not because I love the sound of my own voice but I would like to think that one person's difficult past will help another person in the future. usually I can find some sort of words to try to explain my story, what happened and my past emotions. It was getting so difficult to type up a sentence that I got so angry and nearly deleted the blog, it was really bothering me, why could I not write about my story? Why could I not put it in to words how my anxiety was?
I am my own worst enemy. I never give myself a chance, regarding anything. I may know how to give advice but I haven't mastered the skill of listening to my own advice. I sit here and tell you all to give yourselves a chance, that a peaceful and happy mind won't happen overnight and that you have to look after number one. Anyone who asks for advice I always tell them those three things before giving them other individual pieces of advice as I tell them that you can't do anything without knowing those three things. Don't get me wrong I 100% believe that these three things are so important to know and that you can't move on without knowing them, but for some weird reason I think that those things don't apply to me. I am invincible, nothing can touch me, or so I think. I seem to think that although depression and anxiety knocked me down once, it won't the second time. Then I quickly remember that it hasn't been just once, it has knocked me off my high horse 3 or 4 times. That's when I quickly wave my hands as if to wipe away these dark grey clouds filled with these horrible memories so I can go back to my invincible thoughts quick enough, dishing out my advice but not truly taking any of it in myself. So it is no surprise that when I go to write about my anxiety I get stage fright, terrified that I am going to drop this "confident stage presence" that people say they see, that I only allow some 'lucky' people to see. It is no wonder that when I give myself a chance to relax and take a deep breathe that my anxiety comes flooding through and usually hits like a ton of bricks, it's because it is usually swept under the carpet, where no one can see it. However, when it get's too much it just burst's through, no matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing, I just can't control it. I usually blame it on having a few drinks at the weekend, or not sleeping great the night before or missing out on my medication the day before, which to be fair none of these factors help at all, however picture that drawer in your bedroom, you know the one that closes 'perfectly' when you lift it slight, press your body weight on it and push as hard as you can? The one that you can never find anything in it because everything and anything is forced into it including your first ever birthday card that your dad's mam's cousin's friend gave you on your 1st birthday, one of the various people whom you never heard from again? At some point that drawer door will weaken, it physically won't be able to close anymore, it can't fit anymore, At some stage, it will burst open. Why do we think our brain's are any different? There are only so many emotions and fears that our brains can cope with, sooner rather than later all of these emotions will just be too much leading us to explode, and in my case this leads to an anxiety attack. I wish you could buy a memory card for your brain so you didn't have to go through them all in other to clear some space!! But sadly we can't, we need to experience each emotion that we feel, whether we feel it now, when it occurs or later is a different story. So what has this all got to do with this week's blog theme, with anxiety and living in the now?? My point is, I was so focused on telling the story about my anxiety in the past that I never realised I wasn't living in the now. I wanted the blog post to be perfect, to show you all that everything will be ok and that it will, I am a firm believer in that, what's mean't for ya won't pass ya by as every Irish mammy says like a broken record, but it is the truth. However, I am also a believer that if you are going to put yourself out there and talk about a topic such as mental health, you have to be honest, not just with your readers but with yourself. Yes I am ten times better than this time last year and yes I have come a long way and yes I have a busy yet exciting two years ahead and yes I hope I progress even more and further in my career. However none of these phrases focus on the now, none of them focus on what is happening for me right this second. Instead of cleaning the mess that is my room ( I am sitting on my bed which is piled up with books, clothes, bags etc., if you follow me on Snapchat you will see the disaster that is my room!!), I am too busy worrying about tomorrow, about money, about next week, trying to balance out money for Christmas presents etc. I was so focused on telling all of you guys on my past story and experiences when the one that it is important is the one that I am writing right this second, the one where right now I am anxious, sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings fearful of the day ahead and then sometimes I am terrified to go to bed because I am terrified that I will feel down, anxious and stressed tomorrow. I am constantly fearful of tomorrow, actually never mind tomorrow, I am terrified of what the next second has to offer. This story, the current one, is the one that matters because it is the one that is unfolding now, the one that yes it will effect tomorrow, but it has to happen before tomorrow can. I know I am probably not making sense and at this point you are probably pulling your hair out trying to figure out what this idiot is trying to say, but THAT is my point. We are always so focused on the next thing, the next event, our next destination that we don't let time, events, days, conversations just flow, we want to know what is happening next, we want to control it to a certain degree because the thought of not knowing what is next terrifies us, it terrifies us so much that this leaves a nice big space for anxiety to step in and help us jump to more worries and conclusions (as if we need any help), it helps us make up the end to the story that we are still writing, we want the end before we have written the middle of the book. When I was writing this post, I wanted a beginning and an end, I didn't care much for the bulk of the post. I wanted the start to tell the story, my story, my past story. I then wanted a perfect ending, the one where everything is ok and I am at peace with the world. The only thing is I couldn't write it because although the first few lines were my story up until now the end just, well it just didn't flow. This is my story, right now : I am tired, tense and anxious, but that is now. I don't know how I will feel in five minutes, nor should I guess. Fear is a powerful yet dangerous thing, if we let it, it can rule us, take over and be the end of us, however it can be an exciting thing. It is like when you are on a rollarcoster for the first time. You have seen the loops and bumps but you don't know the exact pattern. Just as you sink into your chair you can feel the nerves kick in as you really don't know what to expect, but you are excited. This is a new experience, you are excited to see what happens, how the rollarcoster is and how many times you go upside down. Life is a book. The title of mine? The Rollarcoster that is my life. First chapter, The Excitement of Fear. The synopsis on the back cover, live in the present and just let the life flow. Love as always, Em X This week, I am tackling one of the demons that I feel is the only thing that still has the ability to spark up my anxiety tendencies at any time, if I let it. That demon is what I refer to it as, my fear of living in the moment. For as long as I can remember, I have never ever liked not knowing what has or what will happen and I especially didn't like missing out, on anything. As a kid, when I was given the option to stay in a friend's house, I always jumped at the chance to spend some time with my friend whether it was painting our nails or eating way too much junk food. However about 5 minutes after I accepted the invite, the fear part of my brain would immediately kick in and I would start to regret my decision, why? It was nothing to do with being nervous in a friend's house or missing my parents, I am definitely not a home bird, I never have been. It was the fear of not knowing what was going on at home or on missing out on something at home, that was what I didn't like. Once I got over that thought and went to the sleep over, if I came home to the news that my family did something fun without me I would not be happy, it would actually ruin the sleepover I just had and I would dread any time I stayed away from home for that reason alone, "what will happen the next time I am not here?". As I'm writing about this and listening to myself I know it can come across as if I was just acting like a spoiled child, and to a certain extent you are probably right, but as I look back on my anxiety and how it has been over the past two years, I can actually see that there is a pattern in my anxiety which has been recurring since I was that little girl fearing what I would miss out. I am not saying that my anxiety over the past two years is due to me fearing on what I have or could possibly miss out on, because that would be the time that you all shout at the laptop screen and say Emma get a life! The older I have gotten, naturally the deeper my thoughts and indeed my anxieties in general have become. Of course I am not anxious about what others are doing without me, however it is the same idea, that I can not enjoy the moment that I am in that is the same pattern I am talking about. I am constantly worrying, worrying about the past, what has been, what should have been or what could have been or my brain is fast forwarding to the future, sometimes as far in advance as 10 years from now, worrying what might happen, instead of enjoying what is happening right now, right this second. Of course I am not the only one in the world who thinks like this, I think it is fair to say that most people let their brains run away with themselves from time to time, however it is the people, like myself, who let this chatter in our brains take over to the extent that we don't give ourselves a moment to stop thinking and to just be, to just live and enjoy life that really need to change the way we think and live, because life is too short to not enjoy every single second, instead we are letting life pass us by and at the end of the day, the only person missing out is ourselves. As so many people experience this on a day to day basis this is why I feel it is so important to share my story with you guys, to let you all in on my journey to try to train my brain to give myself a minute, to not jump to conclusions every single second and to try and allow myself to find some sort of peace because at the end of the day it isn't healthy for someone to be living on a maximum of 5 to 6 hours broken sleep or someone who is fretting about how they will afford something in two years time. So I'm hoping, that by sharing my story with you guys and the journey that I am still very much on, that you guys can take something away from it and hopefully find something useful to prevent your anxiety from getting worse and hopefully learn how to train your brain to give yourself a minute to meditate or to even enjoy that first cup of coffee in the morning without worrying about tonight's dinner. As anxiety and worry is such a huge area and one I feel that many people can and will relate to, I have decided that one week isn't enough to fully cover this topic. Over the next few weeks, I am going to blog about living in the moment, why it is important to live in the moment, how not living in the moment can cause huge levels of stress and most of all how we can tackle different aspects of our day to day lives in order reach a more calm and peaceful way of living and thinking in mundane areas such as sleeping, eating, exercising and even traveling to work in order to actually enjoy every part of our lives and to not let stress, worry and anxiety of the past, future and the unknown dictate our lives. So guys, as this is a such a big area that affects so many people and really can lead to terrible anxiety attacks and even other mental health issues such as OCD and Depression, please let me know if there are any areas you want me to talk about or if there are any questions you have on how to reduce your anxiety, on how to live in the moment. You can let me know my either commenting below, sending my a private message on Facebook at holdonthepainends or feel free to email me at [email protected]. Remember, this blog was set up not only to help me but to help you all get through life, even the most boring and mundane tasks, because lets face it, those are the ones that are important because they play a big part in our lives. So until the next blog post, just remember, tomorrow isn't here yet so you can live it when it arrives, but as for today you only have one chance to make the most of it. Love as always, Em X One of the things I had difficulty working on throughout my mental health and counselling journey the past year was my relationships with others. By this I don't mean connecting with people or maintaining friendship or relationships with loved ones, what I had to work on was how I acted in a relationship, on not letting people taking advantage of me, standing up for myself and putting myself first at times. For as long as I can remember, a lot of my head space was taken over by what people think of me. Do they like me? Do they not like me? Have I offended them? What do they think of my appearance? Why did they not speak to me? The list of questions that would race through my head on a day to day basis is endless. This paranoia became routine and used to happen with almost every person I met everyday, from my parents, my partner, my friends, an old school mate, my neighbours and even as far as with a shop assistant in the local shop. Despite the fact that I have always been quite aware of this issue I have with my image and reputation with people, I never realised just how bad it was. It wasn't until I fell really ill with depression and anxiety earlier last year that I finally realised that obsessing over what people think of me 24/7 was far from healthy, and it turns out it is one of the things that led to many horrible, suicidal and self- harming thoughts which sometimes where followed by horrible actions. It got to the point that I couldn't just switch off from certain situations which often led me to not sleeping well and often acting on these feelings which as you can imagine made situations worse. Although the extreme only happens when my mood is extremely low, for the best part of my life I have been known as a people pleaser. My determination to be liked, to be friends with everyone and to not upset anyone has led me to want to make people happy all of the time, meaning that I have been known to put others before me time and time again, going out of my way to make someone happy no matter how I was or if it didn't suit me, I would always put them first. I know this sounds a bit boastful or self righteous but it is the truth and a constant pattern in my life. Yes it is a good thing to be self- less, I have grown up believing this and I still believe that it is important to be there for others, however if my journey has taught me one thing it is that if you don't look after yourself, who will? More to the point, if people see that you are abandoning your own needs and wants constantly, why would they stop to think about how you are and what your needs are? As mean and brutal as it sounds, it is the truth and it has taken me 20 years to realise this harsh truth. So have I dealt with these issues and if so how? It is still a work in progress and something I deal with EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!! From the moment I wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night, it is a constant battle, however despite the struggle, I am working hard on changing how I act in all of my relationships, looking for that balance that is key for any relationship to work. Although it is tough, I can see a huge change in my mood and my thought process when I am in good form and putting myself first in some situations. However it is tough, as those who I used to put first, don't like my new found love and respect for myself, they don't like hearing words like "no" or even worse "would you mind helping me with this", as before I would never ask for help. So how do you achieve this balance or try to achieve it? Over the next few days I will share my tips and tricks for putting yourself first, finding and maintaining that balance and how to cope when relationships break down due to your new attitude, while sharing my own experiences when I started to change my actions and how I act in relationships now. Yes I am not a doctor or counsellor, but I have been through one heck of a journey and I feel that sharing my journey and experiences is a good way for you guys to learn how to tweak the way you act in relationships, and find that balance. Keep an eye here for the blog posts to follow which will help you deal with your paranoia and having no self worth. Yes it isn't easy to change your thought process but trust me, if I can do it and already see a change in my life for the better, you can definitely do it and it will be worth it! Love as always, Em X |
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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