Hi Guys! As you all know a month ago I was finally told my diagnosis, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I didn't and still don't know what it is! It didn't help that my doctor had to google it while I was sitting there! With no medical help or advice as to where I go from here, I felt so lost and confused. Doctor's are supposed to give us answers and provide help and support. I left with none of that, I had no other choice then to go home and google myself. Imagine, these days having to go home and find out what my own diagnosis is and how I can help it. Both myself and my mam spent the morning on the laptop trying to figure out what exactly it is and how to treat it. As I have mentioned previously, I have another appointment with a psychiatrist this Thursday so we are not making any drastic changes to my counselling or medication at the moment until we go to this appointment, however I refuse to sit back and wait until then to try and help myself understand this illness and learn how to manage it. So in order to hopefully help others who are in the same situation as me, here is what I have found out so far, how I intend on managing my personality disorder and I will keep you all updated, hopefully you won't be sent to doctor google! What is borderline personality disorder? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, borderline personality disorder, otherwise known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is a 'mental illness marked by unstable moods, behaviours and relationships.' According to the HSE, Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of moods and how a person interacts with other people. People are usually diagnosed with BPD when they are adolescents or in their early twenties. This is due to the fact that BPD is usually diagnosed after a number of years of the person experiencing a pattern of instability in relationships, inter-acting with others, self-image and emotions. People who are diagnosed with BPD experience may a range of emotions on a daily basis (mood swings). These emotions can be extremely intense negative emotions ranging from rage, sorrow, shame, panic, terror etc. Many people with BPD can experience long- term feelings of emptiness and loneliness. What are the symptoms of BPD? BPD can be identified in a person that has a pattern of instability in relationships, inter-acting with others, self image and emotions. If a person has BPD, it is common that a pattern of instability and distress would have continued and escalated over many years before they were diagnosed with BPD. As well as people with BPD experiencing mood swings and negative thoughts regarding their self-image, the following are other symptoms of BPD: 1. Anxiety, stress, anger and feeling worthless 2. Impulsive/ reckless behaviour 3. Unstable relationships 4. Difficulty in managing emotions and thoughts Although many people are not as aware of Borderline Personality Disorders as they are of other mental illness such as Bi-polar and Depression, Borderline personality Disorder can be extremely severe and dangerous as many people who suffer with BPD may turn to self- harm and suicide as a way of release. People with BPD may also experience other mental related illness such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders etc. Although these symptoms can be seen in many people with BPD, each case is different and it depends on the person and their personality completely which determines how this illness affects them. What are the causes of BPD? According to the Health Service Executive, BPD can be due to: 1. Genes: The genes you inherit may make you more likely to develop this condition. 2. Social/ cultural factors: The environment you live and work in may affect you as well as your past, friends and family. 3. Neurotransmitters: These are like 'messenger chemicals' which are used by your brain to transmit signals between brain cells. If there are changes to the level of certain neurotransmitters, this can have a huge effect on our mood and behaviour. 4. Neurobiology: this is the structure of your brain and nervous system. People with BPD may have an abnormal structure and function in some areas of the brain. How to treat it? Although I would love to be able to tell you step by step how to treat it, I am still unsure myself of how to do tthis. However, I have researched treatments such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). Both of these forms of therapy try to teach you how to control your emotions in another way and use other forms of practices to help this such as Mindfulness ( I will be posting up another blog post very soon on both of these treatments). Unfortunately both of these forms of therapy are extremely expensive and they are mostly private practices as public treatment is not available for everyone, it depends on your catchment area. Unfortunately this treatment is not available for me publicly and it is far too expensive. So I have decided to practice CBT at home by using books and a CD (information will be in a blog post very soon), which I am finding o=so far is really helping me to manage my emotions in another way. As well as therapy there are other ways in which someone with BPD can try to manage it. It is all about making small steps that will make a big difference in the long term such as exercise, a healthy diet, good sleep etc. Some people find that regular counselling and talking through their emotions and feelings works for them just as good as the above therapy,the way in which you treat your BPD completely depends on the person. Unfortunately, there is no medication that helps with BPD however medication is often taken to help other mental health illness that are linked to someones BPD. For example, I am on medication for my depression and anxiety which we now know is due to my BPD, however this medication helps keep my depression at bay so I am still taking this. Unfortunately, I am still learning about my diagnosis and how to treat it. As you can see it is such a big diagnosis however there is not a lot of public help out there for it. Although I am happy I finally know what it is, I wish I had a set plan as to where to go from here. I advise that if you have this mental health illness or know someone who does, please go to your GP and ask them for their recommendations first before your make any changes to your therapy or medication. The more I learn the more you will know. I am currently under self changes to try and manage my BPD, some are working and some are not however I will keep you updated with my progress and with my tips and tricks that help me. As I mentioned above, as this is such a big yet unknown condition, unfortunately it is not as black and white as some other conditions or illnesses, it is one that is still being researched and therapy's are still being tested so much so that many doctor's and counselor's may not be 100% how to treat it. Therefore there is a lot to cover and I have many more blog posts to come to help you. So I hope you now know what this illness is and how to identify it and I will keep youb updated on my treatment and what I do to try to manage it. Em X
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Hi guys, happy Friday! I hope you have all had a great week so far, thank crunchie its the weekend! This week has been a crazy one for me. As you know myself and my family are just home from our holidays and my sister Katie went to her debs Tuesday night. So between unpacking, cleaning the house, organizing bits and pieces for the night of the debs and coping with a nasty dose of the flu, it has been one crazy week. However, yesterday was a day that I will never ever forget. About a month ago, I finally found out my diagnosis, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. At first, I was so confused. For the past three years I have had to get my head around the fact that I was suffering from anxiety and depression. I have changed my medication numerous times, I have seen various counselors and I have tried every breathing technique out there in order to control my anxiety. Now I had this different diagnosis to deal with, and it wasn't helped by the fact that my doctor didn't know much about it either. I felt so alone and so lost, at that moment I was so tempted to give up. After hours of going over the past three years in my head and reading up on this new diagnosis, I visited my dad in work. I didn't know what to say,other than the fact that I wanted this all to be over. Some people have said to me in the past few weeks "oh it could be worse, at least it isn't a more severe diagnosis". A part of me agrees, a part of me knows that yes this is something I can learn how to control and deal with, but the other part of me, the fed up and worn out part is thinking, no this is just another thing for me to cope with, another thing that is going to drain me. This same part is thinking three years of hell could have been avoided if we knew this diagnosis a long time ago. When I saw my dad, at first he said I should be happy that we finally know what it is but when he saw my face he knew just exactly how I was feeling without me having to try to find the words to describe it. Dad then pulled out his phone and started to look for something, which initially really annoyed me "how is this a time to be on your phone" I thought to myself. Then he told me the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, that he was going to get a tattoo of H.O.P.E and that he had already talked to a tattoo artist in the village about it. I had already been crying, but at this stage there were floods of tears. For years dad has said he would only get a tattoo if it meant something and the one he choose to get was for me. ME?!?!?! At first I couldn't understand why he would get something for me, I always thought that my Mental Health was a burden on my family. As you all know, H.O.P.E stands for Hold On Pain Ends, not only is it a world known saying for those fighting with depression and anxiety, but it is the name of my blog. When I asked him why he was getting it and why now, he said he is so proud of me, of how far I have come and of what I am trying to do with the blog, to try to encourage people to speak out and to talk about their problems. He said that I am so brave for being so open about what I am going through and that in years to come, when this is behind all of us that it will be there to remind me that I can talk to him about anything, that he is always here for me. The fact that dad was getting this tattoo now stopped me in my tracks. It showed me how much love and support I have around me, how far we have all come from not understanding this illness to having a full understanding of it, to over come it and to not be afraid of it anymore. Although dad said this tattoo was to show me how proud he was, it made me so proud of my family and so grateful that we are such a tight little unit. Nothing can bring us down, no matter what is thrown at us we get through it and are smiling at the other side. This showed me that I am not a burden (yes I am a little crazy and a headcase, the best people are), I am his daughter, no matter what happens he will always be there for me and I will be for him, my mam and my sister. It showed me that by blogging, talking about my feelings and trying to get better, that I have gained so much strength and that I can overcome anything, that I am never going to give up. While we were on holidays, Dad asked mark to book him in for his tattoo. One morning while I was sitting by the pool a song called Bambelela would not stop playing in my head. I learned this song in choir when I was in secondary school at an Emmanuel concert and this song is still a favourite of the Knockmitten Youth Choir that I am a member of. I love music, I can't sing but I love to try! This song is so beautiful, translated it mean's Never give up/ Hold on. I hadn't sang this song in a while, so why was it stuck in my head now? For months I had said to my friends that I would love to get another tattoo, a tattoo to symbolize what I have been through and I have thought of the word Bambelela a few times, but I never felt like it was the right time. Why was it the right time for dad to get such a beautiful and meaningful tattoo? The answer was easy, because I have never given up and I am a lot stronger now than I have been. I am slowly but surely getting back to myself and each day that passes I gain more confidence and get that little bit closer to the old me. Now was the perfect time. Although I am a lot further in my journey than I was a few months ago, I am not at the place I want to be at yet, but I am not giving up until I am there. So Mark was sent to book both of us in for tattoos! Yesterday, myself and my dad spent the morning in Red Dragon Tattoo studio.Dad got his tattoo first, along his arm and the I followed with the tattoo on my foot. Although both of our tattoos are very very different looking, they both have the same meaning behind them and in its own little way, these tattoos have brought me and my dad even more closer. I don't know how to describe it but the two of us getting these tattoos closed one chapter for us and opened a whole new one. Love Em X |
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April 2018
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