Hi everyone! It seems like forever since I last published a blog post. I have written some but I haven't published them for a number of different reasons. The truth is that I haven't been feeling quite myself lately. I have been extremely anxious, even more so than usual so much so that simple every day tasks have become an issue. As well as my anxiety levels being through the roof, I have also been feeling quite down and I would even say at times depressed. That is not to say that I am back to the really bad place that I have been at before, but at times I can feel depression creeping it's way back in. The difference this time, is that I am very very self aware and I know my triggers, so when I see signs of depression and extreme anxiety reoccurring within myself, I have a better idea of how to act on it, Although that may be true, lately I have been slipping back into my old ways of thinking. Up until about a year ago I had an extremely negative relationship with myself. I would (and still ) do absolutely anything for anyone, but when it came to myself and my needs, well I simply did not care about myself enough to put myself first. However, I couldn't understand why, despite how far I would go for anyone else and I mean ANYONE, that the same wasn't always done for me. I pride myself on being a selfless person, which I used to think was a very good thing, however the more I attended counselling and the more I got to know myself, both the good and bad points, because let's face it nobody is perfect, I slowly realised that putting everyone else first all of the time and essentially treating myself like dirt was doing no one any good, and it particularly wasn't doing myself any good. However, the more I got into mindfulness and indeed therapy, I realised that by treating myself like dirt, how could I expect the people around me, whether they were family, close friends or strangers, to treat me as if I was worth something? Lets face it, if you don't treat yourself with respect, why will anyone else? If you constantly put yourself down and talk negatively about yourself, well then why will anyone else talk about you differently? That was the hardest thing for me to work on both inside and outside of therapy. Saying no to people is not a natural thing for me, but with practice I started to and it got easier for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I went from doing anything for anyone to becoming a selfish person, but I did learn that sometimes it is ok to say no to someone else in order to give yourself some time, space or some well deserved TLC. Although I found it difficult at first, and still do sometimes, it is something which I am slowly learning to be ok with. However, one thing that I have never really gotten my head around and I am still working on to this day, is how I talk about myself. It sounds ridiculous but I rarely have a good word to say about myself. I am always the first person to comment and point out my negative points and always the last to say anything romotely positive about myself. It has gotten so bad that if someone slags me I actually join in with them. I don't know why, I think a lot of it has to do with confidence while another part of it is wanting to please people and ironically wanting people to like me, weird tactic right?!? This is something which, surprise surprise, has led to a lot of upset. I put myself out there as a punching bag and of course people are going to constantly throw punches, even when I am so deflated and feel as though I have no more energy to go on, someone else says something so harsh that I feel as though I have gotten a punch to the gut. As a result of this, my confidence is non existent and I have gone back to my old habits of self - loathing, truth be told I don't think I ever stopped hating parts of myself, the hate was pushed to the side but unfortunately now it is back in full force. It got to the point that everything I said or did I was self critical and I would watch people's reactions, analyse them and then, no matter what anyone said or didn't say, I would automatically think I offended them. I know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense, to be honest I really don't understand it but that is how confusing my mind has been lately. Between being a bully to myself and not giving myself any time to do the things I enjoy, need or want to do, I was bound to explode at some point. Thankfully as I mentioned above, I have found ways of coping in the past which I have reverted back to now, however it is keeping on top of things and staying focused that I really need to work on. Although I am not making excuses for not writing or staying in touch with you all, I hope you can see why I was so quiet for so long. I simply did not think I was worthy enough to write to you all. Why would anyone want to hear from me? What good is it doing? Once again I was looking to delete the blog and pretend like I never started it, that was until this week just gone, when two people reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place... To share my story in order to help those who need it, to shine a light on the very small door that is at the end of what seems like a very long tunnel. Yes, if you put yourself out there there will be one negative Nancy giving out for the fun of it, but it doesn't mean that we have to listen or help them slag us does it? Be proud, stand tall ( even if you are fun sized like myself!) and be confident in who you are, not everyone is going to like us, nor are we going to gel with everyone we meet, however we are stuck with ourselves for a very long time, so let's start being nice to ourselves and building a good relationship with ourselves shall we? I am sorry for being quiet for so long but I do want to say a huge thank you to those of you who continue to support me, who write to me and stop me out on the street/ in a club and share really kind words, thank you all, from the bottom of my heart! I hope you are all good and I will be back, sooner rather than later! Love as always, Em X
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
What is this page?
This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
Categories |