It's a dull November day in 2016. The rain is heavy, the wind would cut you in half and in case you didn't believe me my shoes are absolutely soaked from running to and from the car with the Christmas shopping. The only saving grace is that I am spending most of my day in Blanchardstown Shopping Centre, at least I am warm for a little while until the wheelchair handles are overloaded once again with bags from every single shop! Between the shopping bags, a dodgy wheelchair and a bossy Nana perched in it in a similar position to how the queen sits, it is by no means an easy task, especially when the sweat is pouring off me from pushing the chair but she still likes to declare at the top of her lungs "Are you trying to kill me?? I think you need a licence to push this!!" Despite her heckling and telling the shop assistants in EVERY shop that I am fighting with her ( as if, no one could ever fight with my Nana, you would lose before you even started!) I loved every single minute of it. The smile on her face when we went out together was priceless, it reminded me of a little girl who had been told they could stay up late, it was that sort of innocent and fun giggle that she always had, as if we were let out to run wild for a day. Of course shopping was the main objective of the trip, however we would always go for lunch and then, no matter what the weather she always, ALWAYS had a 99 Ice Cream cone! No matter where we were, or what the weather was doing outside, she would sit in her wheelchair, wrapped in a blanket, with a cone in one hand, a tissue to wipe the ice cream from her face in the other and a big grin to show her delight, she could never hide her feelings! Thankfully, that isn't the only memory I have of my beautiful Nana, I have tons! However, it wasn't until she passed until I realised just how many I had, so much so that every shopping centre I go into, every Mannings Bakery I walk past and anything blue that I see, I think of her. Exactly a month after she past, the local priest said something to me which has not left my mind "When you loss someone, life seems so cruel. You feel like the whole world should just stop, you think 'how can the world still go on?' it doesn't seem fair. But it does go on." As he said that I sobbed, he was right. Since Nana passed I have been so angry with the world, how can everything go on? How can people be happy? How can I be happy? I felt guilty for enjoying things, for smiling. How can I laugh when the one person who made me laugh by just pulling a face is gone? It wasn't until last Saturday when I realised that being happy in a place that reminded me of my Nana was not a bad thing, making new memories does not mean that you have forgotten the old ones, if anything it helps keep the old memories and traditions alive. However, up until Saturday, this guilt of having fun and indeed the pain of losing her was causing so much anxiety and as each day went by I could feel my mood declining bit by bit, before I knew it I was back in the rut which I permanently lived in a few years ago. To be frank, if it wasn't for the excitement of the wedding and the endless list of things to do, I honestly don't think I would be able to get on with life. However as Fr Des said to me and as a close friend recently reminded me, life DOES go on and I can't feel guilty about it. I can either sit in a corner and sulk or I can take control and live life to the full. Don't get me wrong, my anxiety and mood is definitely not something I can 'snap out of', but these are things in which I have dealt with before and will continue to do so. It was the priest's words that encouraged me to drive down to Court Town on Saturday with Mark. I know, February isn't exactly the ideal time to head to Wexford, but we both had the day off and wanted to do something, and although I was missing my Nana so much last week, Wexford was her second (and favourite) home, so what a better way to remember her, feel close to her and to make more memories with Mark. Believe it or not I only shed ONE tear on Saturday when we arrived in Court town! The rest of the day was filled with laughter! We had an incredible day. We didn't do anything too crazy other than just have fun, and I haven't laughed as much in ages as I did last weekend. However the one thing that we did do in honour of Lily was have a 99 cone while sitting on her bench that she always sat on by the harbour and in that moment I felt content. I felt content with life, with where I was in that moment and also grateful for the memories that I have there too. Although I spent the day telling Mark some stories of the summers I spent down there with my grandparents, there was nothing but happiness shared and I honestly believe that it was that bit of closure that I needed. It sounds so crazy, but I felt so calm, content and relaxed as I drove out of Wexford. In that moment, my anxiety and low mood was suddenly lifted, I felt so free. Of course, that doesn't mean that I will never ever feel sadness or anxiety again, however I no longer feel sad about the memories that I have of my Nana, if anything I feel grateful and proud to have called her my Nana. Of course I know that I am not the first person to have lost a loved one nor am I the last and I am 100% aware that there is always someone worse off, however what I have learned is this: don't ever let someone tell you how you should/ shouldn't feel and/ react. Don't ever feel guilty for your feelings. Don't ever feel that you should 'get over' the loss of a loved one by a certain time period, we are all different, which means we all grieve differently. And last but certainly not least, do not feel guilty or angry at yourself for feeling anxious, depressed etc. As I have said before, it doesn't matter who you are or what you are going through with regards to your mental health. Sometimes life seems great but for some reason you are having panic attacks every day, so of course a life changing event like losing a job, friend, partner or a loved one will effect you hugely. Just give yourself time. Don't rush yourself and do not put pressure on yourself. Yes life does go on, but it doesn't mean that you have to be singing and dancing with a big smile on your face every day. Take each day as it comes, remember to mind yourself and to encourage yourself every single day. You are the only person who knows your limits, so don't compare yourself to others. Life is a mystery, we never know what is going to happen from one day to the next, so live life to the fullest, have a lie on if you want, tell your family you love them as much as you can, love yourself and most of all, have a 99 cone now and again! Love as always, Em X #grateful #loss #lifegoeson #mentalhealth #courtown #Wexford #funtimes #love #mentalhealthblog #holdonthepainends
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