HI everyone and happy Wednesday!
I hope you are all having a good week so far, we are half way there, weekend here we come! Although I posted last week saying I'm back, I have been notability quiet and the reason is that I was too busy sunning myself in the 30 degree heat in Portugal. To be honest, before I went away I had every intention of blogging while away, I had even written posts and had them ready to go, however, when I went to publish them, the blog posts weren't relevant to me or represented my views as such anymore. As each day passed, the more relaxed I became, which I know is the reason why we go away, to relax and try to escape the craziness of our everyday lives. However, the last three years or so, any time I went away especially on a sun holiday, I just physically could not sit still for more than five minutes, so it was so nice this time around to not want to do anything but just sit back, relax and enjoy thinking about nothing and not worrying about anything. Although I enjoyed sitting back and watching the world go by, I decided that I would try to work on 'me' while I was away, and by that I don't only mean working on my tan but on trying to sort out my big mush! This wasn't something I decided before I went away that I was going to do, it was on the first day that I started to think about the past 6 months and at how crazy busy they have been. I felt like I was watching a movie, I was sitting back with the popcorn viewing the ups and (many) downs of the past few months. As the film was coming to an end, it was only then when I realised just how much has happened this year. I also noticed how as each scene played out, the more I fell out of my new found self, i.e. I lost touch with who I had become in recent months, I fell out of mindfulness practice and I stopped putting my mental health first, I fell back into old bad habits which ended up in a very physically and emotionally drained version of myself. All summer I was clinging onto the smell of sun cream, the heat of the sun and the light sea breeze, my sister vacay was the only thing keeping me going. In all honestly, I felt so lost and so out of control this summer that I never thought the 1st of September would come quick enough, however despite that, it wasn't until the rolling credits of my movie were playing that I realised just how much I was struggling, that was also the moment that I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to let myself get back into that tiring and, what could be, a very dark place. That's when I started reading A Mindfulness Guide For The Frazzled, by Ruby Wax ( a review coming soon!), listened to my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for dummies cd and pulled out the Buddihify App on my phone, it was time to get back to basics, to try to retrain myself into the things, that for some time, were like second nature to me. The new found ways of coping that for a long time were my lifeline. Since coming home however, living the calm and balance lifestyle I enjoyed on holidays has been almost impossible. Within two days, I quickly realised that it wasn't going to be as easy has I had originally thought, all of the sudden I was overcome with fear and even tears, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress of everyday life, I was afraid that I was going backwards and that the chilled vibes I experienced on holidays were non existent at home. It's scary how quickly your mind can just jump to negative thinking and bad habits in about ten seconds, and this really freaked me out. I started to fear that no matter how much I practiced mindfulness or read books on this practice that I would never find the ( not to sound cheesy) inner peace that I have been in search for. My thoughts started to sprint around my head, like a race dog making it's way around the track. All of the negative thoughts multiplying by the second, not giving me a chance to make sense of any of them. Within two minutes, I let those negative thoughts block out all of the positivity I had found while away, and indeed any logic in my head. It wasn't until I was in counselling on Monday when I realised that living a stressful and busy life is EXACTLY why concepts like Mindfulness and CBT were developed, to make hectic lifestyles a little bit easier to deal with. If life was always like a holiday, well then we wouldn't need these things and to be honest, life would be quite boring. It's when you develop the ability to step away from a stressful situation, take a deep breathe and not let the stress and your emotions, in that moment have a huge impact on you, that even the stressful moments in life start to become enjoyable. So after all of that, what does it mean to be 24? To be honest, the next year is going to be the most stressful yet most important and magical years of my life. Despite the fact that so many incredible moments are going to happen, I know that those moments will also come with some not so easy times, however I am determined to not let those handful of down moments take away from the incredibly high moments that the next year has to offer. I feel like turning 24 has finally allowed me to have that light bulb moment that I have been waiting for. I now know that it is possible to go through stressful times without being in a constant state of upset, angry and indeed stress, but it is up to me to make sure I don't allow the slightly difficult times to build up and take over my space in my head. SO the plan for this year.... it's simple, just be the best version of me that I can be, oh and most importantly, live in the moment! Love as always, Em XXX
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Well hello everyone!!
It's been a very very long time since my last post, I actually can't remember when was the last time I posted! It's been so long that people have been asking if I have stopped blogging, and the answer is a definite NO!! The truth is is that this summer has been so monumental for me in so many ways. Although it has brought about amazing so many changes for me, it has also been a very tough and testing few months. Although i have and still intend to write about how I get through both the ups and downs in my life, one thing that has really shook me is my Nana falling ill, which although it breaks my heart every time i think about how she was in comparison to how she is now, I'm not the only one who is effected by her being poorly, therefore it isn't my lace to talk about the situation. All I will say is that it has been a very difficult few months trying to adjust to lots of change regarding my Nana, a change which is taking us all some time to get used to. However, each day is a new day, she has some bad days but she has her good days too, and it's these days that we as a family are trying to enjoy every single minute. That's all I will say about the situation for now, I just wanted you guys to know that I haven't been quiet because I wasn't bothered, it was simply because the things that were causing me anxiety and pain weren't only my situations to deal with, but I am trying to deal with them the best I can. Although the past few months have proven to be some of the most difficult we as a family have dealt with, they have also been some of the most exciting times we have experienced, especially for myself and Mark. As you guys probably seen, we have moved into our own little home. Although we have been engaged for over 18 months and are planning our wedding, it took us some time to find a place that was not only affordable but that we could really imagine as ours. To say it is an exciting time is a huge understatement, however with huge change comes high stress and anxiety levels. It wasn't just the move itself that I found stressful, it's been the daily things like going to work while cooking, cleaning and making time to enjoy it all at the same time, it's the things that we both 100% took for granted when we were living with our parents that we almost expect to be done and forget to do. The first week was like a holiday, the next week was hard to adjust and this week was a lot easier to deal with. Although we are both so happy and we really feel like home already, my anxiety the past few days has been creeping back in. Although it isn't extremely bad, I know myself when it is creeping back into my life. At first I presumed it was because I wasn't at home and despite how much we really wanted to move out and start our own life together, I miss mam, dad and Katie. However, it was only the other night when mam came over for tea and chats, when I realised that I was feeling anxious because everything is new and I almost didn't know how I should be or what the hell I was doing. In every house, each person, without realising has their place and role in it so to speak. For 23 years i lived in the same house, with the same people and without realising, I had my own place and role. Despite the fact that I am so happy to be moving on with my life, for a minute i doubted myself. It was all new to me, I didn't know how I should be or what I should do. Things that I knew how to do, I started to doubt myself. I freaked out and panicked, but when mam was over and we were sitting down and catching up, I felt so relaxed, content and comfortable, I knew I was exactly where I need to be right now. I realised that for once that anxious feeling isn't so bad, if anything it's a mixture of nerves and excitement. For once, instead of fighting the anxiety, I am going to embrace it and try to channel it into each day. As well as that, I have fallen back into bad habits and fallen out of the good ones that I have picked up over the past few years, instead of beating myself up about it, I am just going to take each days as it comes, and try to find the right balance between my old life, my new life and living in the moment. It's not going to happen over night, but I'm not in any rush, it will all one day come together, and for once i truly believe that! SO guys, that's all from me for now. I know it's short and sweet, I just wanted to touch base with you all and let you know that I am BACKKK and I'm certainly not going anywhere! ON that note, happy Friday and we will talk real soon, I promise not to wait as long to blog ext time! Love as always, Em XX Lately, this question has been playing on my mind. I'm usually not a competitive person, well not extremely competitive. I think it is healthy to have a hint of competitiveness along with a hint of the green eyed monster fro time to time, as long as it encourages you to be the best version of you that you can be. However, recently I've faced a few challenges that have required me to show just how competitive I am and have made me wonder what does it truly mean to win something? Is it a big medal? An expensive car? The latest designer handbag? A 1st place trophy? Some people would probably say, well it depends what you are competing for? Is it a sports competition? Is it a happy life? Is it a healthy life? What if it is all of the above? What if you are trying your best to succeed in every aspect of your life, both professional and personal? Is it even possible to achieve this balance? Up until today, I really thought that the answer was no. I have had many hobbies in the past, karate, piano, guitar, swimming, dancing etc. What is the one thing which all of those things have in common? The answer is simple, they are all in the past, most of which I haven't participated in in years, however the one or two hobbies I do now and again are just that, something I pick back up now and again, nothing stable, sure where would I have the time? Time. That's always our excuse isn't it? Time. A good excuse at that. As the very wonderful yet blunt mother of mine says on a daily basis, you need at least 36 hours in a day to get everything done, and I'm sure she is only talking about the mundane day to day tasks which have to be done, not the fun yet essential things like doing something for you, which most of us, once we hit our "adult years" ( for some people it's 18 for others it's 30!), we almost dismiss the concept of having a hobby as adult life takes over and sure, why would you go to a guitar lesson for an hour when you could have the dinner on and the two bathrooms cleaned in that time? Some would say that the latter is the correct answer, as when you hit a certain chapter of your life, you have to put certain things first. What about putting yourself first? Your own needs and wants, your own desires and indeed spending some time on the thing or things that make you happy. It always comes back to not having enough time, however we tend to forget that we all have the same amount of hours in the day, some of us just know how to manage it to suit both our needs and wants. Technically as I'm writing it's the 7th of July, well 7 minutes into the day. Not a sound in the house (well except a few snores from a certain person's room, hint hint sis!), however there is this feeling of excitement and nerves which is just floating in the air. Although the two emotions, excitement and nervous almost contradict one another, the atmosphere is quite soothing, for the first time in a long time, it feels like everything is ok, like everyone went to bed feeling settled yet eager for the next day to start. The energy is almost like a familiar song playing in the distance, you can here the beat but can't make out the words, you know you recognise the tune but need to be closer to the source of the music to truly identify the song the is playing. ************************************************************************* The emotions and energy in the house last night were the song which I recognise but I don't truly understand why it was here or where it was coming from. The rhythm entered my body and almost forced me to find where the tune was coming from. I listened closely to the beat, allowing my heart to listen and my feet to take me to the direction where this tune is coming from. It took me to the top of my stairs, however my back was to the staircase and I faced the first door on the landing. My hand was almost forced to reach out and push open to see where this energy was coming from and just like that, there she was, my little (taller) sister, snoring her brains out. It was almost like you could see a colourful mist surrounding her, she was oozing with excitement and indeed nerves, and just like that the 20 year old vanished from my eyes, and I was transported back about 14 years ago to a sweaty hall on a cool Autumn Tuesday evening. There she is, Katie running out of her usual drama class hall, however this time, it was different. She was smiling from ear to ear, the excitement almost lifting her from the ground. She has just completed her first Irish dancing class, something which she has begged mam and dad to let her do for a very long time, something which they tried on numerous occasions to talk her out of it, little did they know that where she did drama class hosted an Irish dancing class in the exact hall during the week. Something which they really tried to avoid, only took one class to impact all of our lives for 14 years. I don't know why Katie fell in love with dancing so much, I really don't know because she wasn't a natural. I really don't mean that in a bad way, but seriously, for a woman who can solve the most complicated maths equations known to man she really doesn't have natural rhythm, well at least she didn't at the beginning. Some girls and boys are natural dancers, just like someone who is naturally good at school or at sports, they don't know why or how they just have this gift, something which Katie for years really focused on the fact that she didn't have, she wasn't a natural dancer, however no matter how many times she was told this, she never ever gave up. Don't get me wrong, like any relationship in life, Katie and her love of dancing had many many ups and downs. There was many a time where Katie threatened to give up because she couldn't get a step, or the times where she sulked off the stage and hid in a corner because she didn't feel like she got the result she deserved, and whether she deserved first place or last place isn't the point, the point is this, no matter how tough things got or how down in herself she felt, she never ever gave up. For some people this may seem a little dramatic, and it may be difficult for some people to get their heads around, but those people don't realise the love, blood, sweat and indeed tears that goes into dancing. Just like any sport which Irish dancing is, and believe you me if you saw Katie's calf muscles you would agree, it is like a full time job. They train at least 3 times a week, they have to work out on top of that and healthy eating is crucial, meaning Katie has had many an affair with a 3 in 1 curry and diet coke! It is something that although I begged my mam and dad for years to let me try, looking back now I wouldn't have the commitment nor the endurance for something so tough because believe you me it isn't for the faint hearted. Like everything else in life, dancers face quite a lot of knock backs in regards to no placing as high as they would like to. As well as that, they face a lot of injuries, both in training and even on the stage during a competition, something which Katie unfortunately is all too familiar with. She has had many injuries over the last 14 years, but it was never the injury itself that affected her, it was always the struggle afterwards, training and fighting to get back into shape and to get back the fitness levels that are required, while learning new steps and catching up on the other dancers who have been carrying on on center stage while Katie was watching from the side lines with an injury. When people meet my blonde partner in crime, they see an incredibly out going, out spoken and indeed beautiful human being, both inside and out. She walks with her head held high in a confident manner and never shy's away from the opportunity to make new friends. Rewind 14 years ago when she starting dancing, she always walked in and out of the dance class with her head to the ground, minding her own business, and struggling to make friends. No she has just completed her second year of her Teacher's degree, with an overall first and is the most popular girl I know, watching her work the competition room today is a real proud moment for me. I remember her first day of primary school, we were in the same school but on two different yards. I remember as the first lunch bell rang I ran to the yard line to see if I could catch a glimpse of her, to see if she was ok. She wasn't crying or upset, I was because I knew how shy and quiet she was, I didn't want her to be alone. Although she said she was ok, I now know that she wasn't, she was quite nervous, however now you could put Katie in the middle of the world and never worry about her, and that is all down to dancing. It has been the thing that has allowed Katie to grow and become the incredible person she is. Although we have are fights and by the end of this wedding I will be shocked if neither of us kill each other, she really is an inspiration to me. Seeing how far she has come, both in her dancing ability and personally makes me so proud of her. I have learned so much from her, some of which being never ever give up. If you love something and work at it, it really doesn't matter what the outcome is, as long as you enjoy what you do and do what it takes to improve your skills or/ability is all that matters. When I have had my down day, I mean my really really low days where I have felt enough is enough, she is honestly the person I look to for strength, she says it as it is and sometimes I hate her for it but it is also what I absolutely adore about her, she is quite to the point and sometimes a bit harsh, but don't underestimate just how much this girl has been through. She has a certain level of strength and composure which at 23 I still don't have and I truly believe it comes mainly from her experience as a top Irish dance Competitor. She always said that she would never leave dancing until she won her Open Championship. For those of you who haven't a clue what that means, it is the highest level of competition you can get to. She has always maintained that she wasn't going to leave before she got her chance on top of the podium, something which I truly believe she is capable of. That's why when she came to me last week and said that today would be her last day competing as a solo dancer, I was completely shocked. It's not that she is leaving because she feels she will never win, because believe you me she is more than capable of doing it, I am clearly not an expert but there is nothing better than watching her perform in her hard shoes, it's absolutely breathtaking. Of course I wouldn't really have a clue if the steps are all perfect or if her feet are pointing enough, but her face lights up, it's her happy place and she truly shines. So why give it up? Although she may be finished competing, she is planning to do her teachers exam to pass on her own skills and knowledge to others, and between her own studies, work and indeed her own life, she has been struggling both mentally and physically to fit it all in, Katie has never done anything if she can't put 150% into it, and by her recent exam results, it's clear she has been putting her all into college and of course dancing, but there is only so many hours in the day. She has had an exceptional year, dancing wise, and I think it's the perfect time to start her next chapter. However, no matter how much she has to do or how much she felt like she couldn't physically fit everything in, for 14 years she has done a pretty good job at keeping everything up, and to be honest, that really motivates me to put my all into my work, blogging, studies etc. Sometimes I feel working part time is too much, and yes we are all different with how we deal with things, however looking at Katie almost pushes me that little bit extra, because no matter what personal battles Katie has faced regarding dancing, and there has been a few over the years, she never never NEVER gave up. She always believed in herself and indeed her passion for dancing. Last year she got a new dancing dress. I was very touched that she got Bambelela on the back of it. Some of you know that I have that tattooed on my foot, it translates to never give up. Yes it was a meaning for her too but it really touched me as I was going through a difficult time. Little did we know when she was designing the dress that it was her last one, how fitting? Over the past 5 years our family has hit many low times, some of which due to my mental health. I can't help feel guilty as I know my health has taking up a lot of my mam and dad's time, and at times it even threatened to take away from some big milestones in Katie's life. Well sis, this is for you. This weekend is yours, no one elses, but yours. I hope you enjoy yourself, no matter what the results are because let's face it, you and mam will be one big tear drop this evening! All that matters is that when you put those hard shoes on and go on the stage for one last time, you just enjoy every single second of it. You have worked hard and have become the most beautoful dancer and person, we are all so proud of you sis, you have no idea how much. So to answer my question, what does it truly mean to be a winner? It means to have worked hard at something, enjoyed every minute of it even when it seemed impossible and most of all you have become a stronger and better person for it, so Katie you are my winner. Love as always, Envelope(sister joke!) Em XX Hi Guys! I hope you're all having a good week so far! As some of you may know, I was away for a weekend in the fabulous Newcastle in the UK celebrating Mark's birthday! As we are saving for the wedding and getting our own place, we decided not to go on a big holiday together this year. There are a lot of family celebrations coming up this year so we decided to try to just focus on saving as much as possible. As easy as that sounds, it hasn't exactly been an easy couple of months for us including my Mental Health among other things, so when it came to his birthday I decided that it was time for a little city break, just the two of us and it was just what the doctor ordered! We had an amazing time, discovering the city, relaxing and slightly spoiling ourselves with fancy restaurants and of course shopping, but sure you have to treat yourself now and again right? Although I was looking forward to the break, the week leading up to it was quite a tough week for me personally and between one thing and another, I just felt like I had so much to do with such little time, which led to my stress level being a solid 15 out of 10! Once we got to the airport, I started to relax and by the time we were leaving Newcastle, I was quite relaxed and have been since. However, despite the fact that I was enjoying myself and starting to feel relaxed, I couldn't help but feel really low in myself regarding my body and image. No matter what I was wearing, no matter how much effort I put into my hair and makeup, each night I just felt awful. The funny thing was that once I was ready to go out, I felt well however as soon as a photo was taken I felt disgusting. There's no other word to describe how I felt because in every photo of myself that I was shown, from my head right down to my toes there wasn't one thing that I saw that I actually liked. It was the opposite, I picked out all of the things that I didn't like, which was a lot. As each night passed, Mark got very very annoyed with my. Not only was he angry that I was treating him almost like a photographer, but he was frustrated that after taking 40 photos of the exact same outfit and pose, that I still was upset, none of them were nice in my eyes. He kept saying that there was nothing wrong with the photos, that they were all perfect and that he didn't know what I wanted him to do because all he was doing was taking a picture of me, that's what I looked like. This made me even more upset because I really didn't like what I saw in the pictures, and to think that they show exactly what I look like, what the world sees, well I just felt disgusting. Since I was a kid, I always had low self esteem and barely any love for myself. I've always been on some sort of 'diet' to try to get a 'better' body. I've always put pressure on myself to try to look a certain way. I've always been jealous of my friends who are a smaller size than I am. The way I look, or more to the point the way I don't look, has always been a problem for me, especially in recent years with selfies and filters, the amount of pressure on everyone to take the "perfect picture" is multiplied by 100! I know for some people the thought of taking the perfect picture seems ridiculous, however it is something that I know it can really effect someone. When I'm on social media looking through posts, I often find myself comparing myself to others resulting in me feeling not good enough. No matter what I have tried in the past, I haven't been able to shake these negative feelings about myself, if anything I made myself feel even worse. After Newcastle, I decided that enough was enough, it's not healthy to constantly talk down about yourself or hate yourself. Of course this isn't something that will change overnight, there isn't a switch that you can flick and you will instantly love yourself. I'm on my own journey of finding myself and discovering who I am, which is really difficult to do if you are constantly comparing yourself to others. So I've decided to take each day as it comes and to tackle each of my insecurities one at a time. The first is how I feel about my appearance. I have decided to set myself a 40 Day Selfie Challenge; I am beautiful selfie challenge, which you can all join in. The challenge is to take a picture of yourself, no filters, just one picture, whether you are dressed up or just out of work. You have to pick one thing you like about yourself in this picture. I have already started my challenge and posted a few of them. I'm not going to lie, I am finding it difficult to do, but each day I take a picture and each day I have found something I like. You guys don't have to share your selfies on line however if you do don't forget to tag me and use the hashtags #40dayselfiechallenge #Iambeautifulselfie #holdonthepainends , I'd love to see them! As I mentioned above, it is a difficult thing to do especially at the start of the challenge because for me, I would usually take 40 selfies to get one half decent one. The idea behind this challenge is to realise your that it is ok to like yourself, it doesn't make you vain, however I truly believe that the more you start to respect and be kind to yourself,life in general starts to become that little bit easier. I posted my first few selfies, however I didn't want to keep posting them up everyday because I started this challenge for me, I want to keep some of them private. Although I took them every day, I wanted to put some up together so you can see that the way you see yourself can change every day, with each selfie, but that doesn't mean we have to be cruel to ourselves. If we even find one good thing in ourselves and in every day, it becomes easier to be yourself and to be truly happy. So guys, there's a few of my selfies which you haven't seen. I am still doing the challenge, and I will post a selfie now and again! Feel free to join in, it's never too late to start your journey to self acceptance and above all self love!
Love as always, Em xx Hi everyone, I hope you're all well and that your week is going well so far. Once again, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in Manchester. The last few months for me have been good, well very good. I have achieved goals which this time last year I never thought I would be close to achieving by now. I have also had close friends and family telling me that I look great, I'm glowing and that it's great to have me back, all of which is so nice to hear. I suppose on the outside looking in it looks like everything has come together nicely and I have finally reached a place where everything is ok. The only problem with this is that although that may be how it looks on the outside, the inside is a totally different story. Truth be told, things haven't been right for the past 4/ 5 months, and as each day passes, everything just seems to become worse. As I have mentioned a few times here, my anxiety recently has been at a 9 level constantly, 10 being unbearable. I haven't been able to sleep, especially the night before I'm in work because I am terrified I won't wake up on time. I'm anxious going into work because I'm afraid that I won't meet up to what is expected of me. Sometimes I'm even anxious when I'm getting the bus or luas, something which previously took me a long long time to learn to deal with. I'm anxious that I'm going to forget something, like meeting up with someone or forget to do something because I feel so swamped lately that I don't even know what day it is half of the time. Most of all I'm anxious when I'm talking to Mark, my family and my close friends because I am afraid of dropping this happy persona, that everything is ok. If I show them exactly how I am feeling, well the look of hurt, pain and worry on their faces is something which I haven't been able to face, until recently. A few weeks ago, I realised that it wasn't just my anxiety that was at an all time high, I started to have bad dreams and thoughts, the kind of ones that led me to Pieta House all those years ago. Although these thoughts aren't constant, the fact that they have returned absolutely terrifies me. I fought so long and hard to not feel worthless, to not feel that the world would be better off without me, so when they pushed their way back into my head it really upset me. I just didn't know if I could face it all again, if physically and mentally I was strong enough to fight it all again. When I confided in my loved ones that I felt I should go back to counselling a few weeks ago, the reaction I got made me realise that they don't feel strong enough either to face it all again. So I just kept it all to myself, until I couldn't no longer and I found myself driving to my best friend's house on two weeks ago, where I threw myself on the sofa, a box of tissues in one had and a cup of tea (with no milk- She didn't realise she had no milk, "and I was doing so well Emz", she knows how to make me laugh even in the darkest moments!) crying and releasing all of my emotions and feelings. Enough was enough, I couldn't hold it all in anymore. Since that Friday it has been a weird few days. When my friend drove me home after our tea, that was the most difficult moment I had faced in a long time, telling my family what had been going on. Just as I thought, their first reaction was that they couldn't face this again, but after the initial shock, we sat down over another cuppa (this time with milk!) and for the first time in months I was 100% truthful as to how I was feeling. I explained that although the thoughts had resurfaced themselves, that they were no where near as bad as they were last time. After everything that has happened, I am so self aware, so I know when things aren't right from an early stage, and that's exactly what is happening now, I caught it on time. Once I explained everything, everyone around me has been absolutely amazing. I really don't want you to think that I don't have the best people around me because I truely do. I couldn't ask for better parents, sister, Fiance and friends, their initial reaction was simply one filled with fear and indeed their own anxieties, because we have been down this road so many times before, they can only relate to our past experiences, however the thing is, that this time I am a lot more self aware and every single one of us are better equipped to deal with it. As well as their own fears and anxieties taking over, they were disappointed but not disappointed in me, they were disappointed for me. They feel like I have been doing so well and things have been changing for the better, which they have and I am still doing well, I just have to take a step back and get back to doing what's best for me, something which I lost for a while. Although it was amazing hearing everyone's comment's that I was back to myself and glowing, it was almost like an added pressure. I knew that on the inside things weren't exactly 100%, but I didn't have the heart to admit that and let everyone down.I feel like I am almost two people, there's the happy Emma, the one who is almost like an act. Although I am happy with many aspects of my life, there are parts of it and times were I'm not happy, it is impossible for someone to be happy all of the time, however the people around me worry if I seem low or quiet, it's because they care so much. So in order to protect them, this "happy Emma", over compensates by being extra funny, extra bubbly and to be honest it's exhausting. This Emma is also the one who goes to work to give that "Disney performance" and don't get me wrong I'm enjoying my new job, I just think I jumped into 5 tours a day, 5 days a week a bit too soon so much so that it's exhausting keeping up this act in both work and at home. The other Emma, is like a lost puppy. She doesn't know how to be, how she should be. It's like she feels like she has to be the complete opposite from the extremely outgoing persona, which often then leads to quite a low and even depressed second persona. It's like a constant battle between the two and the struggle to conform to what everyone thinks I should be like to how I am actually feeling is almost happening 24/7. The best way to describe this is to use my favourite character of all time, Smurfette. Last week, myself and my godchild went to see the new Smurfs Movie. those of you who know me well know my love (and obsession) with smurfs, the night I met Mark I was dressed up for Halloween as a Smurf, enough said! I'm not going to give away the story line but the film focuses on Smurfette. As she was not a 'real smurf' as she was created by the evil wizard, she doesn't feel like she fits in as a smurf. Every other smurf is named after their personality, but she isn't so the question is who is Smurfette? Throughout the film she tries to find out who she is while trying to be who everyone around her wants to be. We went to see this movie just two days after I spoke to my family, so everything was still very raw and it sounds so silly but I did cry (like a baby) during the movie. I know it's essentially a children's movie but the story behind it felt real for me. At that moment, and every still now, I am unsure of who I am and just like Smurfette in the movie, I feel like I have to try to fit into this one persona, someone who everyone else wants me to be or believes I am, but at the same time, I am still unsure of who I am. For a while I was so focused on making everyone else happy that I just pushed my own needs and wants to the side, and have lost myself. Don't get me wrong, I obviously know that the movie wasn't real, but it's the easiest way for me to explain what's been going on for me, how I've been feeling. Isn't it funny how no matter how old we are, when we are sad, low or sick we relate back to things in our childhood like our favourite cartoons, characters etc.? They are still a source of comfort for us, no matter what our age. So that's where I'm at at the minute. I'll update you all on what I'm ding and what steps I'm taking to try and get myself back on track in the next few days, I just wanted to keep you all updated! Lots of love as always, Em xx Hi Everyone Well it's been a while since I've written to you all, but it has been a crazy few weeks. Between trying to adjust to the long hours in my new job, while balancing everything else and to top things off my anxiety has been through the roof, it has just been almost impossible to have two minutes to myself. For the first time in two years I am back to working five days a week. Although that is something which most people do without thinking twice about it, to go from not working at all, then to three short days a week and now to five long days, it is quite a big jump. So to say my head feels like it's about to explode is an understatement! Friday was the worst day in a long time. From the minute I got up I felt as if my chest was about to burst, my anxiety was just too much. When I got up I got a text from my mam, asking me how I was and I just replied telling her exactly how I felt. Within two minutes I had a reply, asking me what was wrong and at that time I really didn't know what it was. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realised what it was that had me in such a state. Although I definitely think the long hours and days in my new job is a huge factor on why I'm not sleeping or coping too well, it wasn't until I crossed the finish line for The Darkness into Light walk yesterday morning that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Although there is no denying that there are a number of things that are causing me to panic, I think that the thoughts of tyesterday's walk was definitely playing on my mind. I'm sure many of you have heard of and/or have taken part of The Darkness into Light Walk in aid of Pieta House. As you all know, Pieta House has been a huge part of my journey and I have spoken out so many times as to how much they really rely on sponsorship, fundraising and donations. This walk is a huge part of their yearly fundraising and with about 150 venues across Ireland this year, it is growing every single year. For the past five years I have wanted to do this walk, however I haven't been able to do it. The first few years, I couldn't get the time off work, but last year I decided I was going to do it however, I used having the flu as an excuse, I simply just wasn't strong enough, mentally. I couldn't face it. So this year, I had decided I wanted to do it, but for weeks I put registering to one side, so Mark decided to register for the two of us and I am so grateful that he did. Friday night I didn't sleep well at all, I think it was a mixture of excitement, nerves and fear that I wouldn't wake up on time. Once we got up and we were on our way to the Phoenix Park, it hadn't hit me what we were about to do, it wasn't until we reached the crowd in the park that it all suddenly felt real. It sounds so silly but for the past 3 years especially, I have dream't of the moment when I would take part in the walk, I dream't who I would do it with, how I would feel, how it would be, what the atmosphere would be like etc. The reason why I think I dream't about the walk so much is because for me, being able to complete the walk was like a victory for me, and that really hit me when I got off the bus in the park and read a message from my mam saying "this is your victory walk", something which I never told anyone. In that moment, for the first time in a long long long time I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. Every single person who takes part in the walk has their own personal reasons for taking part, each and every single one is as important as the next, which is what makes it an extremely emotional morning. You can feel love, support, loss and most of all hope in the air. The one thing that every single person had in common was the fact that we all want to show people that it's ok not to be ok, to speak up and that you're not alone. I'm not going to spend lots of time writing about the walk because as I said earlier the journey that each person took was different but the destination was the same. All I will say is that it was an incredible and eye opening experience for me personally. I always try to be honest with you guys, share the good and the bad times. However, despite how open and honest I am, I never realised how much I tried to shut out some of my past, in particular the months and even years that I spent self harming and thinking about suicide every hour of each day. Although it is more than normal to want to try and forget about some of the difficult times and try to move on, I underestimated how much those dark memories still haunt me. For the most part of the walk I was fine, not a tear in sight however it was about 3km in, and we came to these posts sticking out of the ground, each one had a different poster attached onto it, this was the one that really hit home for me: For the most part, the walk is a blurred memory already, however I remember how I felt. I felt scared, anxious and nervous yet at the same time I felt happy and proud. Although I shed a few tears, those tears were my way of saying goodbye to that long and difficult chapter of my life. Goodbye to the self hatred, goodbye to the self doubt, to the longing to end everything and most of all goodbye to the heartache and pain. Those tears were the release I was looking for for so long, my battle with suicide and self harm is finally over, however it doesn't mean the pain just disappears but it does mean that I can learn and grow from it. It is a part of my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, yet it is the part of my life that I felt changed me forever and as a result I wouldn't change it for the world.
Love as always, Em Hi guys and happy Tuesday! I hope you're all well, had a great weekend and had time to enjoy the sun too! I'm sorry I've been quiet the past two weeks. At first it was because I was so busy with studying and training to be a viking (ROARRRRR.... it's getting better!) Everytime I tried to blog, something else came up and I had to put it to the side. However last week was a different story. About half way through the week, my anxiety was unbearable. From the minute I got up, all through the day and even during the night, I was an absolute mess. Although my anxiety was no where near as bad as it was in the past, I hadn't experienced a panic attack in months, a day full of "minor" panic attacks felt like hell. Although I was anxious all day every day, and although it felt like I was having panic attacks, I (sadly) have a lot of experience with panic attacks to know that these "panic attacks" didn't completely happen. It's so difficult to explain, especially through writing, but just bare with me and I'll try my best to make some sort of sense. The best way to describe it is to tell you about mine and my family's trip to Miami a long (long long) time ago. The minute we got there the weather was far from the glorious sunshine which we imagined. The wind was so strong that it blew the sun loungers into the pool. The breeze was almost as cool as that on a sunny yet bitter spring evening in Dublin and it was so sharp that it cut through our pasty white skin. Each morning during our short trip, myself and Katie would wake up and run out to the balcony in hopes to see a bright clear sky. Although the skies were never fully dark or lightening struck, they threatened a storm each day. Despite that threat, each day we got up, put on our sun cream and swimming suits, ran out for breakfast and then down to the pool. We sat out by the pool every morning, whether the sky was dark blue, grey or practically black, waiting impatiently for the sun to break the clouds. Despite the weather forecast telling us that the weather wasn't going to get any better and despite the storm threats, every morning we still got up and prepared ourselves for the sun. However, with each day that passed, our excitement and hope for a nice sunny day, were lessening with each day that passed as we knew that a big storm was coming. I know that all sounds very dramatic but that's how it felt as a 14 year old who was in what felt like a magical land ( I watched a lot of MTV shows based in Miami), a land that had promised so many things but had failed to deliver on one of those promises, i.e fabulous sunshine. What I had imagined it as was slightly ruined by the fear of a big storm coming. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing holiday, but mam and dad couldn't relax because they were worried about the weather, about how all me and Katie wanted to do was to go into the pool, but each day the weather was getting worse and going to the pool wasn't the best option. In one way, that's (kind of) how my panic attacks have been the past week. I woke up each day feeling happy, excited and ready for the day ahead, however as each day passed, I felt more and more anxious. Throughout each day, my anxiety would build up and up and up until it got to a point where my heart was beating uncontrollably, my whole body was shaking and I would lose my breathe. When it got to this point each day, I would think "today is the day when I will have a full blown panic attack," however with a new job and exams to study for, I was determined not to let others see this side to me, so I would just try to hide it and ultimately stop my anxiety from blowing up. You may think this sounds like a good thing, I must have some sort of control over my anxiety so right? On one hand it is a good thing, however on the other I was just pushing my problems to one side, trying to put off these horrible feelings, however what I was actually doing was allowing them time to grow, develop and become a bigger problem than they already were. Although I would never ever wish a panic attack on someone because it is a horrible experience, you feel like your whole world is crumbing around you, like you can't breathe, I actually think sometimes you are better off to let the panic attack happen. The more you resist it, the stronger it becomes. You fear it and sadly that's what anxiety feeds off of, fear. As a result, I have been so jumpy and so on edge all week, even when I thought I was relaxed and happy, I could feel the anxiety just sitting on my chest, as if it was the 14 year old me, sitting on that sun lounger, waiting for the storm that I knew was going to happen. This week, I am trying to take each day as it comes. I am throwing myself back into mindfulness, back into meditation and back into exercise, in hopes that I can channel my nervous energy into these different things and perhaps turn it into good energy. I hope that all makes sense to you guys. Anxiety is a very tricky and tough topic to talk about, especially when talking about it makes me feel even more anxious. However from the start I promised you guys that I would be honest about everything, the good and the bad, in a bid to help those of you who are going through what I am going through. Even if one of you finds something helpful in this post well then the extra anxiety is worth it! Love as always, Em X Hello March!! Is it just me, or did February fly in? It's so hard to believe that today is the first day of a brand new month, which means that it is a brand new fresh start. I love the month of March. It's when the nights start to brighten up, the days start to feel that bit longer, the weather starts to get better (well it's Irish weather so who knows what it's going to do!) and spring is definitely in full swing. Not only is it 1st of March, it is also the first day of Lent. Traditionally the 1st day of Lent represents the start of a 40 day period of penitence and fasting. Since I was a little girl in school, I remember having to pick one thing you had to give up for these (what would seem like a very long) 40 days. To be honest, I don't think it was until I was about 8 or 9 years of age that I realised why I was actually giving up some of my favourite treats for a few weeks. It has since then become a 'tradition' for me to 'give up' things during lent. Although I did eventually know why I was giving up cakes, chocolate etc., I still obeyed by my own little 'rules' that I developed over the years. these rules included the following: you had a 'day off' from Lent on St. Patrick's day, on birthdays and if you weren't feeling well, giving up chocolate did not mean you couldn't eat cakes and doughnuts with little bits of chocolate on them and it was ok to give up things that you didn't even like, that still counted! These rules I (shamefully) carried with me until the age of 18! However as the years have gone by, I haven't necessarily been strict when it comes to Lent. As time goes on and you leave school, it is so easy to fall out of these traditions that you carried on for as long as you can remember. To be honest, although I knew that Lent was starting, it totally slipped my mind that this marked the start of a fasting period, instead it helped me to work out when Easter is this year. It wasn't until last Sunday morning when I was at mass with the choir, that Fr. Des said something that changed my opinion on Lent. He spoke about how many people give up things for lent, how others take up exercise or a hobby. He also spoke about how people do things for others by raising money for charity or helping people who are in need of help. However it was the way he spoke about the season of Spring, how he spoke so fondly about the daffodils growing on the side of the roads, that really struck me. Something so simple as flowers growing and the season changing brought so much happiness and joy to this person, it was amazing, something which sadly many of us take for granted. The next two days I had Mark's heart broke as I pointed out the daffodils growing everywhere we went. I hadn't noticed them anywhere before Sunday's mass, however after it I saw them everywhere I went. The message in this post isn't to harp on about religion, it isn't for everyone and that's ok, however that doesn't mean that we each can't set ourselves a challenge or make a promise to ourselves for the next 40 days. It doesn't have to be giving up something it can be something as simple as thinking of a positive thing out of each day that you experienced or reaching out to a friend that you haven't spoken to in a while. Whatever you feel will benefit you, your life and your journey at the moment is the perfect choice for you, however be mindful not to take on too much. For me, I am setting myself a few small tasks, nothing major as I know I have a few busy months ahead, these are things that I should be able to do on a day to day basis without taking on too much. These are my tasks for the next 40 days: 1. Mind, Body and Soul: Continue to eat healthy and exercise regularly 2. Try to work on my sensitivity: This is something which I will always have to always work on, however I know my triggers and what sets me off more than others, so over the next while I will work on focusing on the bigger picture, for example if someone in work says something that I find upsetting or as if it is directed at my personally, I will take a few moments before I talk back, take a deep breathe, look at the situation, did the person mean it? Am I close to this person? Does this really affect me? Why does it? I will look at my reaction more so than just fighting back, if someone is going to purposely say something negative then do they really need to be in my life? 3. Be thankful and Grateful: This one is based on the daffodils!! Each day I am going to note one thing I am grateful and thankful for. It could be my family, friends, my job or even coffee! On a serious note, it will be something that I feel really lucky and blessed to have, something I feel I may have taken for granted before hand. This is something I will post on social media for the next 40 days, leading to a few blog posts possibly, so stay tuned! Although religion and the church is not for everyone, it doesn't mean that you can't take this opportunity to work on things in your life or focus on something specific for the next few weeks. So, a slightly different post than usual but I hope it inspired you to start a fresh, stay focused and stay positive. Life is a beautiful thing, something we are all very lucky to experience, so let's take full advantage of it and not take it for granted. Love as always, Em xxx Hi Everyone, Well it's been a long time since I have written a blog post, before Christmas was the last time to be exact! It's a bit too late (just a little bit!) to say Happy new Year so instead, I hope you are all well and that 2017 has been good to you all so far! So where have I been hiding and what's been going on? My New Year's resolution was to get back to myself, and that's exactly what I have been doing since Christmas, but what does that actually mean? Last year, as you all know was a big year for me. I got accepted on a CE Sheme which mean't I could get back into work. As a result, I found a job I absolutely love doing, that I am good at and that has helped build my confidence back up. It wasn't easy at first, I was terrified getting the bus into work, I couldn't give a tour without having a panic attack and I wasn't sleeping due to stress and worry around the job. To top things off, I wasn't in the museum long when I was put onto a course, which was a lot for me, going from not working to study and work. I never thought I was going to stick it out, I really wanted to give up, but that would have been going backwards, and I was not prepared to do that. One month later my life changed again as Mark asked me to marry him, within a week we had (almost) everything picked out and booked, it was a whirlwind but I wouldn't change it for the world. As the year went on, I had more good days than bad days, I was able to recognize when my mood was low and I knew exactly what I needed to do to prevent it from escalating into something bigger. During the summer I conquered more fears and went to concerts were the crowds would usually send me running, but I was in control and didn't let anything stop me. As the year came to a close, I finally got to do something that my illness had prevented be to do previously, which was to travel. Myself and Karma went to the land of Brussels to visit Emma, not to mention where chocolate and smurfs are both from. A week later, myself and Mark went to Amsterdam which rounded off what was overall a life changing year. Yes there were difficult times and times were my depression and anxiety were at a high but I got through it and that's all that matters. Since last November, my foot hasn't lifted from the pedal. I can honestly say, I haven't had five minutes to myself since the end of last year has started. This year has sort of started the same as last year, just on a much larger scale. I have been offered a new job, one which since I started the museum I knew I would love. I also got accepted as a volunteer Tour Guide for the New Clondalkin Round Tower Visitor Centre and I am already half way through the course for it. At the start of the year I promised myself that I would go back to weight watchers ( for the last time), lose weight and exercise more. This is something which I threw myself into and I'm so happy that I did. To top things off wedding preparations are well under way and the countdown is officially on. Although I am extremely busy, things are going really well, and I finally feel like I am back to who I used to be almost five years ago. I have rediscovered my love for swimming and Zumba, although I've only managed to go to two Zumba classes, I have remembered how much I love dancing and most importantly how happy it makes me. I have also rediscovered something which I thought was forever gone, and that's my confidence. Although losing weight and getting fit plays a big part in this, I am more confident in myself mentally. I no longer feel like my personality is something I should be ashamed of or change, in fact recently I have realised that I am lucky to have it! It is a blessing, it's who I am and most of all it makes me unique, it would be boring if everyone acted and felt the same, so why try to change who you are? I'm not saying my confidence level is 10 out of 10, at the moment it's at a 5, which is five times more than it was this time last year. I still have down days and days, like today, where I am anxious, but I just look at how far I have come since this time last year, and it makes me feel happy, proud and excited to see where I will be this time next year. So that's what I've been up to, I promise not to stay too quiet in the upcoming weeks and as always, I hope you are all doing ok. Remember, today might not be the day you achieve your goals, but it can be the day you decide to start to work towards them. Love as always, Em xxx Hi Everyone, I hope you're all well. It's been a long time since I have published a blog post. I have typed out the first few sentences about 5 times, no exaggeration. Each time, I go back and delete everything, start over and then go back and delete it all again. For some reason, it's been so hard to write to you guys. I have tried so much but any topic I try to talk about I just seem to have (for a lack of a better term) "writer's block". For week's I couldn't think of what was stopping me from writing, why I couldn't get past the first paragrapgh without deleting everything and starting over again. It's only as I'm writing this, that I finally relaise what has been the problem. The past few weeks my brain has been working over time, between studying for my exams, working extra hours coming up to Christmas, trying to balance about 10 things at once etc., I haven't been able to sleep great with several things racing through my mind. What has been mainly taking up space in my head is self doubt and paranoia. I am the most paranoid person in the world and to top things off I have no self belief at all. I am always doubting myself. I don't mean the normal doubts you may have before heading into an interview for a promotion or when you are sitting exams, I am CONSTANTLY doubting myself down to what I am wearing, do I look fat? What will people think of my outfit? Is it ok for the occassion? My paranoia is so bad that I even doubt the way I talk, if I said something offensive, if a text I sent has offended anyone, even a simple text telling someone I can't meet up or something silly like that. My mind just spins out of control and jumps far ahead, I make up little scenarios in my head all centered around this text. What if they are angry? What if they don't talk to me? What if I have upset them? I know it sounds absolutely blown out of porportion and I know these thoughts do seem rediculous but these thoughts that I have explained are REAL thoughts that I have. They are constantly racing through my mind, once one crazy thought leaves another fills it's space. It just feels like it will never stop. Although these thoughts are bizzare, I have always experienced this. I remember being a little kid in primary school, playing in the school yard. The yard was divided similarly to that of a "typical" cosmopolitin high school, just the inner city Dublin version: You had the girls sporting the football boots in one cornor, the girls imagining they were the next Katie Price strutting their stuff on the cobbled runway while the majorettes practiced their latest routines and the nerds brushed up on their studies. Then there was me, and my little gang of friends. I was never one to have more than a handful of close friends, looking back now that's all you ever need, just one or two close friends. However, as a 9 year old, one or two friends was a sign of being unpopular, to me it felt like I had something wrong with me. As a paranoid and sensitive child, it mean't that I was prepared to do almost anything any one wanted me to do in order to be their friend, this was and still to this day, is a major flaw of mine. If anything, it made people want to be my friend but only on their terms, sometimes it made me an easy target. Although I had a handful of friends in primary school, those handful were amazing friends and I'm not saying I was always lonely, but my desire to be loved and the paranoia that always consumed me never allowed me to be happy with what I had. Lately, I have felt like that 9 year old again, I've been afraid of what everyone and anyone thinks of me, especially those closest to me. It has gone to the extreme of thinking that someone glancing at me mean't something much more, even a stranger. It has been so bad that my paranoia and anxiety mixed together have made me confront people who I feel are looking at me in a weird way or who I feel are talking about me, something comes over me and I just can't stop it. This 9 year old has had more control over me than the 23 year old me has ever had. I have felt so paranoid, lonely, sensitive and so out of of control that I almost feel paralyised in these emotions. What annoys me more is that I know I am extremely paranoid lately, I know I'm sensitive about being sensitive and I know I'm being so irrational but the most annoying thing is, is that I felt like I can't do anything about it, I feel like I am the passenger of an out of control car, you know that something is wrong, you know what you would do if you were in the driver seat but all of that doesn't matter because you are not in control. For the past few weeks I have been that passenger in the tumbling car, I have known what is wrong I just haven't had the power to stop it. It has stopped me from meeting friends, texting friends, talking to people in coffee shops, going out, meeting with family, blogging, meditating and even writing in my diary. Everything I did was a challenge, I couldn't hide the fact that I was feeling so anxious and paranoid. To be honest, I'm still not feeling 100% but I know that I'm feeling these things and I know that it's not right to feel these things all of the time so I am working on it. The reason why I haven't posted a blog post or even written an entire one in a while is because of the self doubt, or that voice in my head saying "no one will read it, it's total rubbish". It has made me doubt everything I do, and that's still the case today but I have decided that I need to at least TRY and take control. The first step is always admitting that something is wrong or not the way it should be, and that's what this post is, it's admitting to myself and to eveyrone that I haven't been myself lately, but that's ok. I have realsied what's going on and I am determined to figure out how to fix it or how to at least deal with it. I may look like I have everything under control on the outside but inside I am freaking out, but I want to share this with you all to show you that these feelings are normal, the most important thing is that you listen to your emotions, because they will always be honest with you and tell you truely how you are. I Promise to keep in touch more often no matter how I feel. Love as always, Em XX |
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April 2018
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