Happy Monday guys! I hope you all had a good weekend and that Monday has been good to you so far! It's two weeks today since my crazy episode when I had to go back to the doctors. I have to admit it has not been easy. I am 30% more myself now than I was two weeks ago but I am not completely back to normal. After going to the doctors and speaking with my counselor I looked back at the past few weeks to try and find what could have triggered my really bad panic attack. I have been taking my medication everyday, I have been eating healthy, exercising, practicing mindfulness techniques and attending counselling. What more could I possibly do? Other than doing too much and adding pressure on myself I couldn't pin point what major thing I had been doing differently to set me back five steps. It was only when I looked on the past few weekends that I started to realise where I had gone wrong. I have been out to night clubs and drinking at least once a week, there was my mistake. While on antidepressants it is highly recommended that you do not drink alcohol while taking these tablets as alcohol is a depressant in itself, by mixing the tablets you are prescribed by your GP with alcohol the effects can be dangerous and life treating depending on the type of mental health issue the individual has. If you are having a bad day, if you are drinking on top of that, everything can seem ten times worse and unfortunately can lead to rash decisions or give someone the 'courage' they have not had to self harm or commit suicide. I am very aware of the dangerous affects that alcohol and medication mixed together can have, so with this in mind I bet you are all wondering how I could be so stupid to go out every weekend drinking ridiculous amounts of drink, while mixing spirits, shots and beers throughout the night? The answer is simple, to get away from it all. When I am well and in a good mood I don't need a drink to have fun and enjoy myself. For those of you who know me, I absolutely love going out and meeting up with friends, I love going out to dance, I love getting dressed up and I love listening to music. When I am in good form and myself I barely drink because I like to remember the night. When I am really down and not myself all I am focused on is getting drunk and forgetting the night, forgetting the horrible emotions and feelings running through my head and how much I hate myself. I don't have a problem with drink, I don't drink every night or anything like that, but when I am not well I drink way more then I know I should. The truth is I am embarrassed, embarrassed that I am 21 years old and that I shouldn't be drinking and that the thought of a packed nightclub gives me panic attacks to last a week. I am so angry with myself and I blame myself for it. On the other hand, I know that I shouldn't be drinking while on tablets and that I should give myself a fighting chance to get better and that is way more important than a night out, but at the time I think that by drinking I can escape and that everything bad that happened that week will just go away. It doesn't, if anything while I am drunk my paranoia hits overdrive and everything that is said to me, or the way someone looks at me is magnified by at least 20 and I end up in tears. It is not only the night that is ruined but the rest of my week is spent hating myself and thinking horrible and dark thoughts. It is an absolute horrible feeling, in a crowded room I feel so claustrophobic but so alone at the same time. I feel like everyone is against me and that everyone is talking about me. I feel like I have upset someone or done something to annoy my friends even if I haven't seen them in days, it is just constant worry and agony, I wouldn't wish it one anyone. So we are back to the same question, why do I do it to myself? I just want to feel normal, it's as simple as that. I want to feel comfortable at a crowded concert or nightclub like I used to, I want to feel comfortable in what in what I wear, I want to feel like no one is talking about me and if they are that it is good things, I want to feel like I can go up and start a conversation with an old friend without feeling like a burden and most of all I want to have fun! So when I went to the doctors that eventful Monday, I sat down with my mam and dad and decided I had to put my health first, I have to give myself a fighting chance otherwise all of the hard work that myself, my family and friends are doing to try to get me back to myself is wasted. For the past two weeks I have cut out alcohol out completely. Last week I didn't go out as I didn't feel up to it but this weekend my sister won a competition in Buzz Nightclub on the Friday night and on Saturday night my best friend was having a Caribbean themed party which I had been looking forward to for weeks. My friends and family are so understanding and told me not to worry about nights out and parties that my health is more important but I was never going to miss the party on Saturday night or say no to free entry in a nightclub for that matter! By saying no or only going for an hour I knew I would be giving into my anxiety and letting it win. The truth is I didn't need alcohol for either of the nights. I had a ball both nights, especially on Saturday as I had already experienced Friday night without drink and knew I could still have fun. It is much easier when you have such supportive and understanding people around you, there are no questions as to why you are sober and there is no pressure. Saturday night proved to me that I am loved not only by my family and my boyfriend but by other's too as I walked in to my very own non alcoholic cocktail. I couldn't believe it that Ciara and her family had thought of me and I was made to feel like a guest of honor. I felt so comfortable that I was up dancing to the Macarena song and I was singing to my hearts content, I didn't need any fake help from alcohol I had all the real support and help I needed. It was one of the best night's I have had in a long time and I really have gained confidence from that night, I felt like I had regained a huge part of myself which I hadn't seen in a long time. Best of all I skipped the hangover and I haven't hit rock bottom as a result of having fun! I have tried non- alcoholic wine and non-alcoholic beers which are all ok but I am trying to watch my weight (slightly) as I have to fit into a bikini in a week!! So I headed to Marks & Spencer for something, what I was looking for I couldn't tell you but what I found is my ultimate star buy! I LOVE fizzy drink like Fanta orange, club lemon, lemonades etc., but there is rarely a nice diet option. However I found that Marks & Spencer's own range have a wide variety of Diet drinks which taste absolutely amazing with unusual flavours including Diet Pink Cranberry Lemonade, Diet Bitter Lemon, Diet Sparkling Mango &Passion Fruit etc. Not only do they taste amazing but the price is even better at each priced under 99 cents individually! Bargain! So not only am I helping myself get better, I am saving myself a fortune!! I am not going to say I am not going to drink ever again, I would be lying and that is not what this blog is about. My birthday is next week and I am going on holidays too, so I will be having a few drinks between a night out this Wednesday for a movie preview, Saturday night for my birthday and a few cocktails on holidays, but I am going to be sensible. I am going to limit myself to a few light drinks like WKD and avoid wine as much as I can as I have noticed wine knocks me back something fierce. I am going to listen to both my head and body, if I have one drink and feel myself getting down I will stop and order a diet coke, or if I am having a bad day already I won't try to perk myself up with a cocktail instead I will go for a nice long walk. It is all about balance and that is something that I am trying to learn and bring into my life, I am not there yet but it is a marathon not a sprint. I will be keeping a truthful account of how each event goes and how I feel the few days after a few drinks, I will keep you all posted and let you know how the few drinks affect me at each event. Wish me luck! Love, Em X
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Happy Wednesday everyone!!
As promised, here is an update on my weight loss journey! So last weeks meeting was a very successful one with another pound gone making it a total of 8.5 pounds gone and they are NEVER coming back!!! I was over the moon as I had a crazy week with the Ed Sheeran concert on the Saturday and a sleepover with my younger cousin. I was so shocked when the lovely Andrea told me I lost a pound, but then I looked back over my tracker and I really did stick to the plan as much as possible! On the Saturday night, instead of heading out for food, we decided to have a nice BBQ at home before heading in for drinks. It was a lot easier having food at home as it meant I could calorie count everything and it wasn't a guessing game! Having the BBQ was a lovely treat but it wasn't cutting into the treats and drink calories too much! It is all about making healthy choices and adapting your lifestyle to the plan. The fact that I was able to lose weight and still have a few treats and drinks on the Saturday shows just how adaptable the plan is and that it works!!! The only time of day I found difficult at the start of the plan was lunch time. As bread is in your step four, you can only have it once a day, so if I have bread for breakfast I would have to count the calories if I have it for lunch!! Before starting the plan, I used to have a tiny sandwich, fruit and then a little chocolate bar. I would still be hungry!! Lately I have started making a small stir fry for lunch instead as I can eat as much noodles, vegetables and meet as I like. With some soy sauce the entire meal is free on the plan and you feel like you are having a really bold treat!! Don't get me wrong, it is a lot more work than making a sandwich, but it is way more satisfying and well worth it! You are probably looking at the third picture and thinking I am off plan, well no I was the lucky winner of last week's raffle at the morning meeting! Each week the raffle prize is different and last week's prize couldn't of suited me better. I love chocolate and crisps and these have been the things I have been missing a lot during this plan!! The raffle prize contained goodies which each are under 100 calories!!! Let's just say I was extremely happy walking home on Thursday!! I am really happy with this plan and i feel like it is the first one I have tried that makes losing weight while still enjoying food so easy!! I am heading away today for two nights, so I will let you know how well I stick to plan!!! Fingers crossed!! Em xx |
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This is where I share parts of lifestyle which I feel help or hinder my mental health. Archives
January 2018
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