Hi everyone and happy Thursday!
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, so much so that you had one too many drinks and that you have stuffed yourselves with boxes of Roses and pringles! To say I have indulged a little bit this Christmas would be a huge understatement... but I suppose that means I enjoyed myself! Last night the five of us headed down to my Nana and Grandad's house. It is a tradition, every year around the Christmas season we head down for a few drinks and to my Nana trying to off load all of her left over food and chocolate on us, as if we don't have shelves still full at home! We sit around and have the same conversations every year, but it won't be Christmas if we didn't, it is a great night full of laughter and jokes. No matter how much we all kill each other throughout the year, at the end of the year we come together and keep the tradition alive and have fun doing it! Last night as the cocktail sausages were being passed around, RTÉ was showing a program of Gay Byrne's greatest moments when he was a presenter for the Late Late Show. One reason they were showing this program last night is it is probably a cheap program to have on during the craziest time of year. However the other reason and probably the main one is because once St. Stephen's Day has past, we all become nostalgic on what has happened during the past year, the year before that and so on. We talk fondly of the good times, laugh about the funny ones and look back with a sensitive heart on the not so good times. For some people, New Years Eve and New Year's Day bring about feelings of regret for what we have done or have not done in the past year, for others, they look back at the past twelve months proud at what they have achieved. No matter what the past 12 months brought we can all look at the next 12 months as a clean slate, a fresh start. The next 12 months have not been touched or marked. Imagine looking at a new calender for 2016. There are a few dates marked such as bank holidays and maybe you have added in the family birthdays, your annual holiday or a big event like a wedding, but on the most part, the next 366 days(It is a leap year!) are empty days which have not been planned out yet. It is a chance for each and every single one of us to decide what happens in those days, for us to write our own story for the next 366 days and decide what kind of year we will be looking back on this time next year. For me, when I think of the past 12 months I am overcome with so many mixed emotions. Firstly I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. It sounds silly but I know they are not all tears of sadness. I think each tear represents a different emotion, one of sadness, one of regret, one of hurt but there are happy tears too, one of pure happiness, one of relief, one feeling proud and one of love. It has been a whirlwind of a year for me, in some ways I am so happy that this year if finally coming to an end, it has been what I can only describe as a changeling year, one that I never thought I would get through. On the other hand, I can't believe it is over, although it has been a crazy year so much has changed that it is so hard to believe the year is coming to an end. I'm not going to list what has happened in the past year mainly because I don't want to bore you all! Another reason is because we spend way too much time as humans dwelling on the past, what happened, what didn't happen and what couldn't of happened. What is the point in that? It brings nothing but more negativity and putting yourself down. Instead, step in front of a mirror and take a good look at the person starring back at you. Yes it is you but is it the same person that started 2015 off?Try to look past the physical reflection and visualize the emotions and thoughts of the person starring back at you covering the outside of the reflection. What do you see? Do you see pain, hurt, anger, love, happiness etc.? I like to think of these as our scars, the scars of the past year. Each scar tells a different story however when they are all put together they tell the story of the past year. Each scar has a different effect on us, as individuals, as family members, as wife's, as husbands, as partners, as mothers, as fathers, as daughters and sons etc. These scars, although we try to suppress some of them, they have a huge impact on our feelings, emotions, our actions and in turn they can alter our journey in life. You see, it is just as important to have a scar of pain as it is to have one that represents love, because each one helps to shape us into the people we are. Close your eyes and look back at your reflection, I bet that now that you are aware of the scars that this person is holding that you will respect them a lot more, you have less hatred towards them and even manage to give a tiny smile. You understand them more, you understand where they have come from and what they have had to endure as well as how far they have come. Now pat your arms gently, then your shoulders and around your neck to pat away these scars. These scars may represent the past year but they have carried out their purpose and it is now time to put them where they belong, in the past. If you hold onto these scars, you are hindering yourself from starting a fresh year, from letting go of the old and embracing the new, after all what is the point of a fresh start if you don't go into it fresh yourself? So enough of this soppy stuff and let's enjoy the last few hours of 2015. Remember that you can leave behind whatever emotions, memories and thoughts you want but don't leave behind the lessons that the past year has taught you. Tomorrow is the start of a whole new adventure and in my eyes the best way to spend it is by forgiving those who have hurt you, letting go of any negativity and most of all by spending tonight with the people who you love the most, who support you through everything and you who intend on spending most of your adventures with in the next year. Happy New Year everyone, and remember make 2016 your year whatever that may entail for you! Lots of love as always, Em X
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Hi Guys!!
I hope you are all well and that you have your Christmas shopping all done, this month is flying in! As the year is coming to a close, I had my second last counselling session last Tuesday before Christmas and for once I actually came out of the place with a big grin on my face and a bounce in ,y step. The past month I felt as if I was in some sort of limbo. On one hand I feel so much stronger than I did just a couple of months ago, I have learned how to cope with my emotions, how to control feelings of panic before they escalate to big panic attacks, I am a lot better in certain situations such as dealing with crowded places, practicing mindfulness on a daily basis, etc. However on the other hand, the more I have my mental health under control, the more time I had to dwell on minor things and I had even more time to analyse every single thing I was doing. It got to the point were I was driving myself crazy about silly little things and allowing my brain to exaggerate a tiny situation into a massive issue. That is one of the reasons I stopped blogging so much, I was stuck in a rut. I felt like I had nothing to blog about because my life was finally falling into place, I felt like I couldn't help anyone and the truth is that I didn't want to bore people as for once I had nothing to say. Since March, I have been off work in order to finally understand my Mental Health issues, what makes them worse, what helps them, how I can control my emotions and get back to how I once was a long time ago, happy and enjoying life. As you all know it has been a roller coaster of a ride the past 9 months, with so many ups and downs with times that I felt like I was at a dead end and nothing would get better, at many times I felt like I would never be happy and in some really dark times I thought I would not be here for Christmas. The first thing my counselor asked me on Tuesday was to look back on the past year and try to understand how far I have come, did I think anything had changed, did I see a change within myself? For the first time for as long as I can remember, instead of criticising myself and putting myself down, I realised that yes I have seen a huge change in myself but a good one, one that without going through all of the horrible lows I would have never known I needed to make, I would never of made this change. With hard work, determination, lots of tears and a bucket load of support from my family, boyfriend and close friends, I realized on Tuesday when my counselor asked me to look back on the past year From the outside looking in, you might think that nothing has changed, I am still a 5f1 brunette with funky glasses who has a quirky style, but for me I see a massive difference. I see this bubbly girl who is slowly gaining more and more confidence each day, who is no longer being dragged down by negativity, who is learning about herself in a whole different light. Someone who is enjoying life once again and who, most importantly is learning to love herself. I have learned how to let go of things that have happened in the past, people in the present who have a negative impact my life and everyday that passes I am learning who I want to be and who I want to surround myself with in the future. Although I am learning how to let go of some of my downfalls and negativity, I am learning to embrace who I am and what I stand for, I am even learning how to embrace my flaws as much as my strengths. I am learning how to change myself and adapt to my new can-do attitude while learning to go back to my routes and remember what I used to enjoy doing, how I used to love playing music, following the latest fashion trends and exercising. Slowly but surely I am taking baby steps to getting back into my old interests and becoming a better more relaxed and mindful version of the old me. After talking for what felt like ages about the past year and what challenges I faced and how I have tackled them all, my counsellor sat back and smiled in silence for what felt like ages. After awkward silence and me starring into space, the silence was eventually broken as she asked one more final question, " Do you remember our very first meeting and I asked you did you know what it felt like to be your best friend? You said that you did not know what it was like, that to be someones best friend you care for them and love them so much, but you could never imagine loving yourself like you would a best friend, as at that moment all you felt was hatred towards yourself. Do you remember?" I starred at her, with wide eyes with shock. I do remember, I remember every single word like it was yesterday. I remember how I was shaking as I walked into the room for our first meeting I remember how I starred at the floor for the entire hour that I was there. As I thought about it I couldn't help but shiver as I remember how much hatred and sadness I had inside me, how empty. I shook myself as if to shake away these horrible memories, and I gathered my thoughts. Before I spoke I could feel myself smile a bright big smile, from ear to ear, and announcing "Yes I remember, I remember how much I despised myself. However, the past few months I have turned that hatred into tolerance and then into love. Love for life, love for everyone and everything around me and love for myself." I used to think putting yourself first automatically made you a selfish person. I could never understand how someone could put their own desires, needs and wants in front of others, no matter the cost. Although I still do and always will put others first, it is a huge part of my personality and I would never change it because it is who I am, it is what makes me good with people, maintain healthy relationships and have good values. However I have discovered that putting your needs first in some situations, isn't a bad thing. If it mean't doing something that may upset you, harm you or bring you down, then from experience, you are better off avoiding that situation and putting yourself first. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human, we care for people, we respect those we care about and cherish what is important to us, so it is natural to put ourselves first from time to time in order to care for ourselves. Therefore it is only a natural thing to love ourselves and to be our own best friend. If we don't treat ourselves with the highest respect then who will? I don't mean that I don't care about anyone else's needs, because as I said it is a huge part of who I am and I still worry about people 24/7, but I have discovered that I can care for people but care for myself and learn how to love myself at the same time. So I finally answered her first question "I have came a long way this year, I have lost many people along the way but I have gained one true friend, myself." Love, Em X |
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