Yesterday was the first day in 7 days that the idea of leaving the house didn't make me want to get sick. It was the first time that I wasn't freaked out in the car by myself in a few weeks. It was the first time in a few weeks that the dogs barking at nothing didn't send me into sheer panic. All in all yesterday was a very very good day, in fact it was the best in a long time. Nothing major happened, I didn't win the lotto or anything but it was the first time in two months that I woke up feeling happy.
The past two months, I could feel myself feeling more and more down in myself. I felt physically sick and even dizzy from the never ending emotional roller coaster that I was on. Every day it was harder and harder to get out of bed, to look at my phone, to meet up with friends and to go to work. Everything seemed a hundred times harder and bigger of a task than it actually was. Nothing was fun anymore, everything seemed like a chore. However, for two months I soldiered on, going back to basics and trying to perk myself up the best ways I knew how. However, last Monday I started to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It took me three hours to muster up the courage to get dressed and then a further hour to force myself out of the house. For the first time in a long time, it was my anxiety that was worse than depression. In fact I was only feeling low and down in myself because my anxiety was stopping me from doing things, because I felt too drained to fight it anymore. There is only so much fighting that you can do, there are only so many times you can force yourself to get up and carry on, to not let this monster win. Eventually you are tired of fighting, so tired that letting this monster take over seems like the only option. After three days of feeling anxious, not wanting to leave the house and really just feeling crap, I decided to pay the doctor a little visit. Enough was enough. yes I was tired of fighting but I was also tired of this monster winning, it wasn't getting the better of me this time. So I did what for many seems like an easy task, I paid my doctor a visit by myself. For those of you who have experienced panic attacks or anxiety, you will know that this is a HUGE step. Previously, anytime I had gone to the doctors I had no choice to go, my parents told me I had to go. For the past few years, someone would go with me, the thoughts of going around there and breaking down just terrified me more. However, last week I realised something that I never thought of before and that's this: That I am in control of whether or not I get through this. Unfortunately, we all have our highs and lows. Some days are good days but some are bad days, that's just the way of life. However, for me, my bad days seem to be ten times darker than some of those around me. That is not to say that their bad days aren't still bad days, but on a sale of 1 to 10, 10 being unbearable, I can go from 1 to 10 in a matter of minutes. The difference is, is that my bad days, like many others who suffer from any mental health illness, can be life threatening. Although I have always accepted the fact that I will have my bad days more often than some people I never realised that despite the fact that the potential for it to be life threatening is there, it will only reach that potential if I let it. I am in control of that potential! I have talked the ears off many counsellors, I have said all I need to say, sadly my mental health issues are't ones that talking will completely fix, I believe it's just something I will have to live with and deal with for the rest of my life. But I now realise, that I can control these bad days and I can stop them from getting to that point of no return. I used to think that if I went to the doctors or missed a day in school or college that I was admitting defeat, when in actual fact I am being pro active. I'm seeing the potential of these bad days and taking action to prevent them from being my last days. I used to think I didn't have any control of how bad things got regarding my mental health, but what I realised last week was that I have control as long as I am alive. As morbid as that sounds I believe in it 100%. Going to the doctors and asking for his opinion doesn't mean I am weak or that things are out of my control, in fact it means the opposite. I am not letting this demon get the better of me. Now I am not saying that the doctor waved a magic wand and everything was all better, no. It took a lot of work last week, work which I will have to do for the rest f my life. I went back to basics completely, took a few days off from my usual manic life and rested for the week. I didn't sit at home in bed all day no, but I worked on leaving the house. I worked on controlling my anxiety. I worked on how I see myself personally. To be honest, I stripped everything right back and started from the beginning again. Some things that used to work for me don't anymore, I took the week to discover what works for me now and put them into practice. Imagine you have a sore back. You tried a hot bath and some medication but nothing seemed to shift the pain so you go to the doctors or for some physio. You may need to take some time off work, a day or two, to prevent it from getting worse, to prevent straining it even further. It is exactly the same with regards to our mental health. IT IS AN ILLNESS!!!!!!!! But for some reason, we think we don't need to take time off to nurse it back to health. To be honest, it should be one of the top things we consider sick leave for because if our mental health isn't on top form, how can we function at all?? We can't. So why do we still ignore the signs?? Embarrassment, fear of the unknown or for many, the fear of the known maybe be some of the reasons why we don't act straight away. The reason why doesn't matter, all that does matter is that we act now!!! If you feel low or anxious, work on it instantly. I don't mean go to the doctors straight away but what I do mean is go back to basics. Have some me time, read up on it, spend time with some friends, go for a walk to clear your head etc., whatever calms you down or helps you cope, do it. I tried those things however what I needed was a break, a rest and time to heal, and I was the only one who could do that for me. I am in control of my situation, of my health and I may not believe in myself all of the time but I do believe that I am the only one who knows what's best for me. Not my family, not the doctor and certainly not the monster that is mental health illness. And that is the same for YOU. You are in control, YOU know how you truly feel and YOU know what will help you feel better. You just need to give yourself a minute and think "What do I need right now?" The reason why I started this blog in the first place is to help people who are going through what I am going through. There is not enough help for everyone who suffers from mental health illness in Ireland and there certainly isn't enough done to help people cope on a day to day basis. My aim is to help people try to come to terms with their mental health and learn how to deal with it on a day to day basis so that it doesn't reach boiling point, the point where you can't cope anymore, where no amount of help will work. I hope in some way this post helps you, at least one person. If anything I hope it encourages you to NOT GIVE UP and to show you that YOU are in control, YOU can change your life, it just takes time. Anxiety and depression may come back from time to time, but make them sorry they ever met you because WE can beat them together!!! Love as always, Em XX
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April 2018
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