Why me? Have I done something wrong? Did I say something inappropriate? Did I hurt them? Was I rude? Did I smile too much? Did I look like I would rather be elsewhere? What is the problem? Why do people ignore me? Why am I left alone so much? Why do people act differently towards me then they do to others? Am I strange? Am I boring? Do people hate me? Am I irritating? I know what the problem is, its me. I am the problem.
Anyone else every felt like this? For those of you who haven't this is exactly how one may feel right before their head explodes and they fall into sheer panic mode. The hundreds of questions pushing off one another in your head, screaming at you making sure you hear them, searching for the one that is the answer. Maybe they all are? All of these questions, flying in and out of your head in the space of 30 seconds, leaving you with a day, if not a week, full of worry, stress, hurt, pain and confusion. Self doubt is one of the main triggers and killers where self harm and suicide are concerned. Self doubt turns into self hatred and anger, which quickly turns into self loathing, which can consume some people to the point were they feel like there is no point to go on. The thing is, these thoughts and feelings of self hatred can stem from what to others may seem like nothing, such as an angry text, a small argument, a dirty look, ignoring someone etc., but it is important to that one person who can't forget about it for whatever reason. Maybe it went against their core beliefs, maybe it reminded them of something hurtful that happened in their past, whatever it was, it was important enough to stick with them and taunt them to the point where they feel like they are the ones in the wrong, "maybe I am the problem?" Why am I so sure that this is what happens and that it can happen that easily? It's simple, that is how my self loath stays alive, by worry and paranoia on what others think of me. Like the world is kind to everyone else bar you, no one seems to understand or show you affection like they do to others. I am so paranoid, down to the way someone says a simple "hello". If they don't smile or hug me, both my heart and mind start to race and I come to the quick conclusion that I have done something wrong to upset them, even if I haven't seen them weeks previously. It is a constant cycle. Even though I am aware of my paranoia it is really difficult to control sometimes and I can't help but act on it. I always feel like someone is talking about me and then confront people about it which makes things ten times worse. I try to control it but the worry of people talking about me, being angry with me or ignoring me can consume me especially when my anxiety is extremely bad. Sometimes it feels like I have no control and fear, anxiety and adrenaline take over, it is the worst feeling in the world, and its one I experience everyday. Every day I remind myself that it is just a feeling, that it is just in my head, to think rationally but as I said sometimes fear consumes me, it is hard to think rationally, to separate what I think is happening from reality. I always regret confronting people about how I feel or asking if I have done something wrong, but if I don't my heart races like crazy and I feel so alone. If I kept it in, it would just lead to a panic attack, there is no easy option. I have been paranoid since I was a child. When I was little say, 5 or 6 if someone at school didn't let me play a game I would over analyse everything, like how I do now which isn't normal for a little kid. I would jump to the conclusion that I must have upset someone, or said the wrong thing or offended them, where as any other child that age would run off and cry and then find someone else to hang out with. Little fights in the yard at school would haunt me for days, even weeks. It definitely wasn't normal. Myself and my family just thought that I was too sensitive and that I had to toughen up, which is true I am very sensitive and I could do with not letting so much get to me. However now we know why I was always more emotionally aware as a child than others around me. I didn't just over analyse what people thought of me, I used to analyse how my parents talked to one another. Even if everything was ok I would think they are fighting and have them divorced and with new partners within seconds. Thankfully my mam and dad are still happily together, but I think back everyday at how hard and difficult i must of been on them, how difficult it must have been to raise a child who magnified a simple shy "hello" to something much bigger. Paranoia is the one thing I struggle with every single minute of every single day, it eats me alive. Some people don't understand, they think I am being ridiculous, that these feelings can easily be switched off, put aside. My brain is constantly worrying about everything that has ever happened, that I ever said, what people have said to me etc. It is my never ending hell. Apparently there is "no quick fix", I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. Some days I think of just not leaving my house because if I don't talk to people then I can't get paranoid, but the sad truth is that wouldn't do any good at all. It is so frustrating, if this disorder was found at an earlier stage would I have been able to control it from a younger age and avoid a lot of upset and pain? I am trying everything, EVERYTHING to try to learn how to deal with my emotions and control them. It is going to be a very very very long road, lately I have just thought of giving up. Sure what is the point in carrying on with this upset? I am hurting myself yes but most of all the people I love, my family and friends. The truth is they are the reason I carry on, I want to show them that they were not wrong to believe in me, to put up with me and to support me in everything. If you know anyone who is in a similar situation, show them you care, support them, offer them a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or even a cup of tea. The truth is that half an hour chat could save their life as support and love are the two things that keep me going. Love and support makes us feel stronger, we feel that people believe in us and that drags us up when we fall, belief is an extremely powerful and uplifting thing. It will give them the strength to carry on, to fight their demons and it will give them the courage to face what is coming next. Keep believing in others, in love, in friendship and most of all yourself. It is not an easy road, but nothing worth having is easy. It is the view from the top after that long and tough road that is worth it, I promise. Love Em X
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Hi Guys! So as you know, two weeks ago I had another appointment in the Clondalkin Mental Health Centre. After my episode in August I was referred to Tallaght Hospital however they referred me straight away back to Clondalkin Mental Health Centre. At the beginning I was not happy about being referred back to there because the last time I was there I left feeling ten times worse then I felt going in. We recieved no help the last time and were sent packing with no help at all. Although they did find my diagnosis I wasn't told until four months later, so I had my doubts about heading back to them. Another reason why I felt unsure was because I didn't think there was any point going to it. When I was referred after my episode, I didn't know my diagnosis. However now I do and I have been working on it everyday and I am feeling myself get back to normal. However, myself and my mam decided to go because what did we have to lose? At first we met another doctor, she was so nice. I just described the episode, what happened and how I have been feeling since then. From there we headed into another consultant, who was the same person I saw the first time, to see where we could go from here. When I first sat down the doctor asked me what I wanted to achieve in this meeting which I replied with wanting to know more about my diagnosis, where I can go from here and if Borderline Personality Disorder is my correct diagnosis. Although from reading up on this diagnosis I feel it is the right one, I can't help but question it seeing as I wasn't told when the diagnosis was first found. However this time around it was completely different. The last time we were told that just long term counselling would help, however although I find counselling helpful, I feel like it isn't as helpful as it was before. I have tried different counselors but I feel I need another type of therapy or different approach to counselling. Maybe it is just that fact that I have a better understanding of what I am going through and how to deal with this illness. Maybe it is that I am too aware of the techniques in regular counselling that they have no effect anymore. Whatever it is, I need a change. I can't keep living in the dark and pretending that counselling is helping me. The doctor and psychiatrist both saw how desperate I was to find help and to try to end this constant circle of changing counselors and still not finding something that helps in a major way. I sat there and cried for a half an hour, explaining the hell myself and my family have been living. I don't know how I am going to be from one minute to the next never mind from one day to the next! I over analyse EVERYTHING from the way someone says hello, to the way they text and to the way they look at me. I am constantly worrying and causing myself to feel so ill and sick everyday. It is a struggle to leave my house most days and to tell you the truth I can barely shower when I am in the house by myself as I am afraid someone will break into the house! I know it sounds crazy but these are the things that go through my head. I think it was the flood of tears and the desperation in my voice that changed the tone of the psychiatrist. They said that they offer numerous types of therapy, however not DBT or CBT, that help people who suffer from Personality disorders. They said they would put my name down on the waiting list for an assessment to see if their therapy would help me. The waiting list is months long, so in order to make sure I am ok they have given me an appointment as an outpatient for November with their doctor to touch base. We left this appointment much more aware and content as we FINALLY felt like we had been listened to. It is going to be a long wait for the assessment but at least I am finally being treated like a person and not a number!! No one should have to ask for help twice, if they had of treated me as well the first time four months of hell and torture could have been avoided. However I have learned from this experience that everything happens for a reason and that what if's aren't going to help. What will help is to focus on the future. Take it from me, if you have a gut instinct like I did that it was not just depression I had, keep searching for the answer because it is there you just have to stay focused and determined, it is worth it!!! Love Em X |
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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