Why me? Have I done something wrong? Did I say something inappropriate? Did I hurt them? Was I rude? Did I smile too much? Did I look like I would rather be elsewhere? What is the problem? Why do people ignore me? Why am I left alone so much? Why do people act differently towards me then they do to others? Am I strange? Am I boring? Do people hate me? Am I irritating? I know what the problem is, its me. I am the problem.
Anyone else every felt like this? For those of you who haven't this is exactly how one may feel right before their head explodes and they fall into sheer panic mode. The hundreds of questions pushing off one another in your head, screaming at you making sure you hear them, searching for the one that is the answer. Maybe they all are? All of these questions, flying in and out of your head in the space of 30 seconds, leaving you with a day, if not a week, full of worry, stress, hurt, pain and confusion. Self doubt is one of the main triggers and killers where self harm and suicide are concerned. Self doubt turns into self hatred and anger, which quickly turns into self loathing, which can consume some people to the point were they feel like there is no point to go on. The thing is, these thoughts and feelings of self hatred can stem from what to others may seem like nothing, such as an angry text, a small argument, a dirty look, ignoring someone etc., but it is important to that one person who can't forget about it for whatever reason. Maybe it went against their core beliefs, maybe it reminded them of something hurtful that happened in their past, whatever it was, it was important enough to stick with them and taunt them to the point where they feel like they are the ones in the wrong, "maybe I am the problem?" Why am I so sure that this is what happens and that it can happen that easily? It's simple, that is how my self loath stays alive, by worry and paranoia on what others think of me. Like the world is kind to everyone else bar you, no one seems to understand or show you affection like they do to others. I am so paranoid, down to the way someone says a simple "hello". If they don't smile or hug me, both my heart and mind start to race and I come to the quick conclusion that I have done something wrong to upset them, even if I haven't seen them weeks previously. It is a constant cycle. Even though I am aware of my paranoia it is really difficult to control sometimes and I can't help but act on it. I always feel like someone is talking about me and then confront people about it which makes things ten times worse. I try to control it but the worry of people talking about me, being angry with me or ignoring me can consume me especially when my anxiety is extremely bad. Sometimes it feels like I have no control and fear, anxiety and adrenaline take over, it is the worst feeling in the world, and its one I experience everyday. Every day I remind myself that it is just a feeling, that it is just in my head, to think rationally but as I said sometimes fear consumes me, it is hard to think rationally, to separate what I think is happening from reality. I always regret confronting people about how I feel or asking if I have done something wrong, but if I don't my heart races like crazy and I feel so alone. If I kept it in, it would just lead to a panic attack, there is no easy option. I have been paranoid since I was a child. When I was little say, 5 or 6 if someone at school didn't let me play a game I would over analyse everything, like how I do now which isn't normal for a little kid. I would jump to the conclusion that I must have upset someone, or said the wrong thing or offended them, where as any other child that age would run off and cry and then find someone else to hang out with. Little fights in the yard at school would haunt me for days, even weeks. It definitely wasn't normal. Myself and my family just thought that I was too sensitive and that I had to toughen up, which is true I am very sensitive and I could do with not letting so much get to me. However now we know why I was always more emotionally aware as a child than others around me. I didn't just over analyse what people thought of me, I used to analyse how my parents talked to one another. Even if everything was ok I would think they are fighting and have them divorced and with new partners within seconds. Thankfully my mam and dad are still happily together, but I think back everyday at how hard and difficult i must of been on them, how difficult it must have been to raise a child who magnified a simple shy "hello" to something much bigger. Paranoia is the one thing I struggle with every single minute of every single day, it eats me alive. Some people don't understand, they think I am being ridiculous, that these feelings can easily be switched off, put aside. My brain is constantly worrying about everything that has ever happened, that I ever said, what people have said to me etc. It is my never ending hell. Apparently there is "no quick fix", I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. Some days I think of just not leaving my house because if I don't talk to people then I can't get paranoid, but the sad truth is that wouldn't do any good at all. It is so frustrating, if this disorder was found at an earlier stage would I have been able to control it from a younger age and avoid a lot of upset and pain? I am trying everything, EVERYTHING to try to learn how to deal with my emotions and control them. It is going to be a very very very long road, lately I have just thought of giving up. Sure what is the point in carrying on with this upset? I am hurting myself yes but most of all the people I love, my family and friends. The truth is they are the reason I carry on, I want to show them that they were not wrong to believe in me, to put up with me and to support me in everything. If you know anyone who is in a similar situation, show them you care, support them, offer them a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or even a cup of tea. The truth is that half an hour chat could save their life as support and love are the two things that keep me going. Love and support makes us feel stronger, we feel that people believe in us and that drags us up when we fall, belief is an extremely powerful and uplifting thing. It will give them the strength to carry on, to fight their demons and it will give them the courage to face what is coming next. Keep believing in others, in love, in friendship and most of all yourself. It is not an easy road, but nothing worth having is easy. It is the view from the top after that long and tough road that is worth it, I promise. Love Em X
2 Comments
11/3/2015 04:47:01 am
I know how you feel, I am always asking myself these questions. I suffer from depression and anxiety too so like so many of us I understand exactly where you're coming from and I'm glad to read another blogger that is speaking out about mental health. I have found working on building a positive mindset is definitely helping to control my issues.
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Emma
11/3/2015 05:10:02 am
Hi Kayleigh, thank you for your lovely comment! I hope you are doing well! Thank you I just felt like there wasn't enough information or help for people to get through Mental Health on a day to day basis. I completely agree, I started focusing on changing how I look at mental health and my mindset and it has helped me so much! I am glad to hear you are finding ways of dealing with it ! xx
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