Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all well. First off, I just want to say a massive thank you for everyone's support, the feedback has been brilliant and it has made us even more determined to help people every day! I suppose you are all wondering what a bubbly, outgoing and chatty lady like myself has to be worried, depressed and anxious about. For the past three years I have been suffering with depression, anxiety and constant panic attacks. At the start, I thought there was a quick fix, that I could just go to some counselling and I would be back to normal. I was in college and working part time so I didn't really put my all into getting help. At the time I thought this was the sensible thing to do, I just did not want my issues to consume my life. Looking back on it now, I was afraid. I was afraid of admitting I had Mental Health issues, that I had to go on medication and that I was not OK. I was afraid what people would think of me, how people would react. I went to Pieta House, which is a free counselling service for people who are self harming or who are suicidal. I went here for eight weeks and it really helped me. I explored issues and events in the past that I never knew had affected me so much. I was given exercises and new ways to try to approach daily tasks and conflict with people. At the time I felt that the eight weeks was enough. However, shortly after this period I stopped using the new techniques, tips and tricks that I had learned. Four months later I found myself in the same position again. This pattern continued for about two years. I would go back to my normal life, focus on work and studying but at some point I just could not take it all anymore and it felt like the walls would crash down around me. I felt like it was never ending, I didn't know what else to do and I had really hit rock bottom. Suicidal thoughts filled my head way too often than I would like to admit and it really seemed like the only choice I had. I felt cheated, like I had been dealt a tough hand. I had worked and studied so hard, I had overcome so many bad times in my life and I know that people think that many 21 year olds shouldn't have much to deal with, but for me I have seen a lot. Even when nothing extremely bad happened, when I was low the slightest thing would set me off and I would feel so alone in a crowded room. I had been working in and out of the Hotel business, which did not help my anxiety as some of you may know, it is an extremely tough industry, one that you almost have to have a thick steel wall around you to not let anything bother you. I moved to a sales and marketing role in a computer training company in October, and I absolutely loved it. I loved my job and I thought this would change everything, that I was just in the wrong industry all along. Unfortunately, shortly after I started my new adventure I started to fall back into my old bad habits. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I stayed in my room hours on end, I had panic attacks on the way to work, in the middle of the night thinking about the trip to work and in work. It got to the point where my mam had to ring me every morning on the luas to work to calm me down and on my last day of work she had to leave work early, go into town and collect me from work. I couldn't live like this anymore. I bottled my feelings for way too long that it just all came to a head in March. I came to the decision that I had to leave work for now. I was terrified of telling my colleagues, however I was honest and they were all so supportive and helpful. It was just a relief to not have to bottle my feelings and to be me. It was so exhausting pretending I was happy for so long, that I was drained. I went to my GP and decided to try new medication. It took three trials of different medication to find the right one that seems to work for me. I know I won't need medication forever and I don't rely on it but it does help, especially when I was at rock bottom it helped me to see the brighter side of things. I went to a private counsellor for eight weeks and she helped me so much. I found out so much about myself and about things that have bothered me since I was three years old!! I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that events when I was only a kid bothered me so much and had affected my adult life, but I soon realized there is nothing to be ashamed of. If something is bothering you then it is important to you, it does not matter what age you were or what it exactly is, it obviously impacted you hugely, you just have to learn how to deal with what happened, and that's what these counselling sessions helped me to explore. I was introduced to Mindfulness, which is a new way of looking at life and dealing with my thoughts and panic attacks. I am still very new to the technique but I am reading up on it and looking into doing a course on it as I feel it is the right thing for me and it has already helped me so much(check our mindfulness section for my daily progress on using this technique). We came to the conclusion that I needed long term counselling. I am still on this journey. Right now, I am facing new obstacles every day. I am currently on the waiting list at PCI Counselling and I am looking forward to getting started. I used to dread starting counselling but this time I feel I am more aware of myself, of the situation and I am looking forward to understanding myself a little bit better. Whether I attend counselling for one year, five years or the rest of my life, I have nothing to be ashamed of and it has taken me so long to realize that, and that is something I really want people to understand. It takes a strong person to realize that something needs to change and to recognize that you need help, it takes an even stronger person to talk about it. My one regret in this process was not talking about my feelings or what was on my mind much sooner. As I said, I am still very much at a cross roads at the moment and I am still very much newly exploring my depression and anxiety, so I will keep you all updated on what is going on for me, how I am getting on and hopefully my experience will help people speak up and talk to people. Don't worry what other people think, your health is your wealth! I would love to hear from some of you, what your experience has been, if you know someone dealing with it or if that someone is you. Feel free to comment underneath or if you prefer feel free to email me any questions and I will try my best to answer them . Enough about me, I will leave you all on a happy and funny note now... "In a mad world, only the mad are sane"- Akira Kurosawa. So everyone, it is OK to feel slightly bonkers, it definitely helps me get through this crazy roller-coaster that is life! Peace, Em x
2 Comments
For those who are suffering from panic attacks you have probably been on every site on the internet and followed every page about anxiety on Facebook, like I have. Everything I read and watched all seemed to be helpless for me, or in my eyes I would think that the advice given was very silly, as though if it was that simple to stop the panic attacks nobody would suffer from them. In college after my first semester exams I started to suffer really bad with panic attacks, doctors and friends would ask me did anything happen or was I thinking about something that happened in the past a lot, I honestly can say I was doing fine, nothing was bothering me, the panic attacks just dropped back into my life for no reason as if to say "you may have thought we were gone but were not". The first couple of weeks suffering really bad with panic attacks was hard, as the longer I was having the attacks the more classes I was missing, I was falling behind more and more every day which increased my stress/anxiety levels. Noticing myself and personality changing I started to get worried about myself, nobody can make you do anything but yourself, I knew I was the only one who could get myself help and make myself better.
I decided to go to my General practitioner and told her all the thought and feelings I was having, don’t get me wrong this is not an easy thing to do. My doctor prescribe me some medication to see if it would relax me, I believe in anti-anxiety medication as when I was suffering from anxiety before I did find a big difference from when I was on them to when I was off them, a lot of people look at medication as a placebo but if the "placebo" works then why not give them a go. However I recommend you go to your GP first if you are thinking about going down the medication route. It is not for everyone, but it can work for a short period of time for some people. My doctor also referred me to a Councillor. After a few weeks on the tablets and going to the Councillor I was able to manage better, studying at home was possible, and I was able to stay longer and longer in each lecture, starting off with only 5 minutes to reaching a half an hour, one thing I will always say is never stop trying, even though I knew I would have to leave the lectures early I would always make my long journey into college every day because then I couldn’t tell myself that I didn’t try. By doing this you also learn what works better for you and what actually makes you worse, for example, I felt panicky and sweaty when lecture started, bringing in a cold drink to put on the back of my neck really helped and wearing low cut sleeveless tops rather than jumpers ( typical college kids would wear) by doing this I learnt from my own body that getting cooled down would stop the sweating which would act like a knocking affect on all the other symptoms of the panic attacks. I found that concentrating on the lecture whilst in a panic attack actually makes things worse, acknowledging that you are having an attack and you should follow the steps that YOU know help YOUR body, not what your doctors thinks or any other person suffering from attacks, every person is different, therefore every person will have different rituals/steps that will help their body to calm down. After a while realizing that my steps were helping and I was actually able to listen to lectures again rather than only hearing my own voice in my head, I started to feel in control, feeling in control is the best feeling ever, because panicky attacks really do feel like someone is holding you down, and you having the strength to be able to push that person off you and say "I am control of my body not you" brings strength into your body/mind/soul, which lessens your fear, you will no longer fear to go the cinema or to go to Starbucks to have tea and chats with your friends because you have the power in yourself to know when and what you need to do, may it be that you need to bring a bottle of iced water and wear low cut sleeveless tops everywhere you go or put your head in-between your legs and take deep breaths, you know what to do now, and that’s what we are all asking for isn’t it, the main thing about panic attacks is that there is no "cure" well you are the cure, you just need to find your cure by trial and error, easier said than done I know, but it worked for me. Give it a go, like I said only you can make yourself better, I could sit here and write away to you for a whole year and never make you feel any better only you can go out and get the help on what you need. Ni x |
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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