Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all well. First off, I just want to say a massive thank you for everyone's support, the feedback has been brilliant and it has made us even more determined to help people every day! I suppose you are all wondering what a bubbly, outgoing and chatty lady like myself has to be worried, depressed and anxious about. For the past three years I have been suffering with depression, anxiety and constant panic attacks. At the start, I thought there was a quick fix, that I could just go to some counselling and I would be back to normal. I was in college and working part time so I didn't really put my all into getting help. At the time I thought this was the sensible thing to do, I just did not want my issues to consume my life. Looking back on it now, I was afraid. I was afraid of admitting I had Mental Health issues, that I had to go on medication and that I was not OK. I was afraid what people would think of me, how people would react. I went to Pieta House, which is a free counselling service for people who are self harming or who are suicidal. I went here for eight weeks and it really helped me. I explored issues and events in the past that I never knew had affected me so much. I was given exercises and new ways to try to approach daily tasks and conflict with people. At the time I felt that the eight weeks was enough. However, shortly after this period I stopped using the new techniques, tips and tricks that I had learned. Four months later I found myself in the same position again. This pattern continued for about two years. I would go back to my normal life, focus on work and studying but at some point I just could not take it all anymore and it felt like the walls would crash down around me. I felt like it was never ending, I didn't know what else to do and I had really hit rock bottom. Suicidal thoughts filled my head way too often than I would like to admit and it really seemed like the only choice I had. I felt cheated, like I had been dealt a tough hand. I had worked and studied so hard, I had overcome so many bad times in my life and I know that people think that many 21 year olds shouldn't have much to deal with, but for me I have seen a lot. Even when nothing extremely bad happened, when I was low the slightest thing would set me off and I would feel so alone in a crowded room. I had been working in and out of the Hotel business, which did not help my anxiety as some of you may know, it is an extremely tough industry, one that you almost have to have a thick steel wall around you to not let anything bother you. I moved to a sales and marketing role in a computer training company in October, and I absolutely loved it. I loved my job and I thought this would change everything, that I was just in the wrong industry all along. Unfortunately, shortly after I started my new adventure I started to fall back into my old bad habits. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I stayed in my room hours on end, I had panic attacks on the way to work, in the middle of the night thinking about the trip to work and in work. It got to the point where my mam had to ring me every morning on the luas to work to calm me down and on my last day of work she had to leave work early, go into town and collect me from work. I couldn't live like this anymore. I bottled my feelings for way too long that it just all came to a head in March. I came to the decision that I had to leave work for now. I was terrified of telling my colleagues, however I was honest and they were all so supportive and helpful. It was just a relief to not have to bottle my feelings and to be me. It was so exhausting pretending I was happy for so long, that I was drained. I went to my GP and decided to try new medication. It took three trials of different medication to find the right one that seems to work for me. I know I won't need medication forever and I don't rely on it but it does help, especially when I was at rock bottom it helped me to see the brighter side of things. I went to a private counsellor for eight weeks and she helped me so much. I found out so much about myself and about things that have bothered me since I was three years old!! I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that events when I was only a kid bothered me so much and had affected my adult life, but I soon realized there is nothing to be ashamed of. If something is bothering you then it is important to you, it does not matter what age you were or what it exactly is, it obviously impacted you hugely, you just have to learn how to deal with what happened, and that's what these counselling sessions helped me to explore. I was introduced to Mindfulness, which is a new way of looking at life and dealing with my thoughts and panic attacks. I am still very new to the technique but I am reading up on it and looking into doing a course on it as I feel it is the right thing for me and it has already helped me so much(check our mindfulness section for my daily progress on using this technique). We came to the conclusion that I needed long term counselling. I am still on this journey. Right now, I am facing new obstacles every day. I am currently on the waiting list at PCI Counselling and I am looking forward to getting started. I used to dread starting counselling but this time I feel I am more aware of myself, of the situation and I am looking forward to understanding myself a little bit better. Whether I attend counselling for one year, five years or the rest of my life, I have nothing to be ashamed of and it has taken me so long to realize that, and that is something I really want people to understand. It takes a strong person to realize that something needs to change and to recognize that you need help, it takes an even stronger person to talk about it. My one regret in this process was not talking about my feelings or what was on my mind much sooner. As I said, I am still very much at a cross roads at the moment and I am still very much newly exploring my depression and anxiety, so I will keep you all updated on what is going on for me, how I am getting on and hopefully my experience will help people speak up and talk to people. Don't worry what other people think, your health is your wealth! I would love to hear from some of you, what your experience has been, if you know someone dealing with it or if that someone is you. Feel free to comment underneath or if you prefer feel free to email me any questions and I will try my best to answer them . Enough about me, I will leave you all on a happy and funny note now... "In a mad world, only the mad are sane"- Akira Kurosawa. So everyone, it is OK to feel slightly bonkers, it definitely helps me get through this crazy roller-coaster that is life! Peace, Em x
2 Comments
Rachel
6/3/2015 08:39:51 pm
you mentioned you have been to your GP and counsellors but have you been to see an actual psychiatrist to get your issues diagnosed? Maybe you went through so many pill trials because you weren't properly diagnosed ? May be something you could look into as only a psychiatrist can diagnose mental health issues ...Maybe they would find the best solution for you! I could recommend some really helpful psychiatrists I've been to if you want ? A lot of times GPs hand out prescriptions without fully understanding the underlying issues and without having experience& knowledge of what they are diagnosing...just thought it would be something you should consider xoxo
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Em
6/4/2015 12:36:47 am
Hiya Rachel, I hope you are well! Thank you for your suggestions. I have been to see a psychiatrist as I was referred by my doctor. The psychiatrist agreed with my GP (who specialize's in Mental Health Issues) that the medication I am on now is a good match for me so far and she also referred me to counselling. I feel confident that this is the right path for me now. Thank you for you advice :) x
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