Hi everyone and happy Monday!
I hope you all had a good weekend. Halloween is over and already the Christmas ads are on the TV, advent calendars are on display and soon the Christmas songs will be playing everywhere. I don't know about you, but I will happily sing Christmas Carols for two months straight, after all I am writing this post in my Christmas pjs, 'tis the season' and all that! October was a hectic month for me, although I did enjoy it for the most part between the U Magazine Style awards, friend's and families birthdays and starting yoga, I am quite happy to say goodbye to this hectic month and welcome a new chapter. October was an eye opener for me. When I was on holiday's in September I felt so refreshed and relaxed for the first time in a year, I felt like I was back to the old me. For the first time in a long time, the thought's of crowds didn't scare me, I had a lot of energy and I was eager to go home, but I was eager to get home and start a new chapter. When I was away, I expressed to my family how I thought about going back to work. I was so excited at the idea of going back to being 'normal', to earning and to starting a new chapter in my life. I was so excited that I started looking at jobs while I was away, it felt like the time was right. However being home, away from the relaxing sound of the waves at the beach replaced by lanes of traffic and everyday normal life, my anxiety was back in full swing, which bothered me more than usual. Before I went away, I had learned how to deal with panic attacks, how to let these feelings and emotions happen and to not fight them, they are just feelings and by fighting them you are giving them power over you. However, I was so annoyed with myself for feeling anxious. I couldn't understand how I felt so free on holidays and then when I was home, it was as if a ball of panic hit me and took over my body. I know everyone feels relaxed on holidays and stress free, that is what makes a holiday a holiday, because you have to eventually go back home and face the music of real life. However, I felt a sense of freedom, like a bit of the old me, the more relaxed me was coming back on holidays and surely that should of stayed with me once I was home? Instead of dealing with my anxiety, I was battling it once again. How dare my inner demons ruin this new happiness I found? I pressed on, ignored how I was feeling inside. I applied for jobs, any jobs I didn't care what they were I just wanted to start the next chapter in my life. I ignored my heart, if i had a bad feeling about a job I just ignored this instinct and still applied for it. I don't know about you, but I always follow my instincts because 9 times out of 10, they are right. By applying for any job, I was breaking the promise I made to myself back in April. When I left work, I promised myself that I would do anything to get better, to deal with my anxiety and depression and that I would take no short cuts, I would take as long as I needed to get better. I also promised myself, that when the time was right to go back to work I would be picky and only apply for something that would not be too much for me, something that would not make my anxiety worse. I managed to break all of these promises, as I was determined to get back to work despite the fact that I am still on my journey to get to the bottom of my personality disorder. While applying for jobs, I had an appointment at Clondalkin Mental Health Centre (which I recently posted a blog post on that), I was still attending counselling and I was still trying to understand my personality disorder. All of that alone is a lot to deal with without the added pressure of interviews for jobs that I really didn't want. I went to some interviews, did a trial or two and I had interviews lined up, but all of that came with at a price. I wasn't sleeping at all, my anxiety was getting worse and I was starting to feel extremely beat up. I felt like I was letting my parents down. When I told them I was ready to start looking for a job, they were so proud and happy for me, that I had felt that I had dealt with my demons, but the more I looked for jobs the more I realised I definitely was not ready. I was stressing days before an interview, I couldn't go to the interviews by myself, either my boyfriend or my dad brought me to the interviews, I was petrified of the crowds which lead to panic attacks during my interviews or trials. This was definitely a sign that I was not as ready as I thought I was. My paranoia was uncontrollable, what was the point of going back to work if I was making myself worse? I realised why I felt like I had to go back to work, to keep up appearances. I hate meeting people on the street and they say "so what are you up to? Are you working? Are you still living at home?", the look of pity when I say "No I'm not working due to health reasons and I am still living at home!" I was letting what other's think get to me and force me to get better quicker. What do they know? They don't know what I go through everyday, how it is a struggle to get out of bed and face the world. They don't feel the self hatred I feel on a day to day basis, so why should I justify myself for people who don't matter. Why should I push myself for them? They don't care how i am doing, not really, so why should I care about what they may think. The chances are the minute I say bye to them, they will forget the conversation and carry on with their day, why can't I do the same? Although I am not 100% ready to go back to work, I am ready to move to the next chapter of my life and do something. I wasn't sure how else I could move on other than look for a job, however I discovered the CE Scheme. The Community Employment Scheme, is for people who are unemployed for a long time and for other disadvantaged people, to allow them to get back to work. The CE scheme offers part-time and temporary work in jobs in local communities. I can apply for the CE scheme as I am receiving the Illness Benefit for over 6 months. When I realised I was qualified for the scheme, I was delighted as I feel this is exactly what I need. Hopefully it will help me get back on my feet and back into the world of work but in a way that is ideal for someone who has been out of work for a while. I met my case officer and i have applied for one or two schemes so far that I would be really interested in. When I left school over four years ago, I really thought I would be sorted by now. That I would have the perfect job or I would be travelling the world. Although I am not where I thought I would be, I am getting to a place where I can see myself being happy, and that is ok with me. I miss being happy, feeling safe in myself and feeling confident, but this past month has taught me that I am the only one who knows how I am, what I am capable of and what makes me happy, and once I listen to myself I will soon be on the right track. Now it is a waiting game as I wait to hear from the schemes I applied for, but I am looking forward to my new adventure, but I have learned the hard way that all good things come to those to wait, by rushing things and trying to make things happen before they are mean't to, I will undo all of my hard work over the past 7 months and I will be back to square one, anxious and depressed. So I am waving goodbye to a stressful yet eye opening month of October and I am welcoming November with open arms as I can't wait to see what will happen next. I cant wait to see what this adventure brings! I have never been patient, but I am learning to trust myself and what is mean't for me won't pass me by! Love Em X
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
What is this page?
This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
Categories |