Hi Everyone! I hope you are having a good week so far and that you are all keeping a positive mind and kicking out the negative thoughts for our clear out month of August! As some of you may know from my last post, I have had a tough few weeks so I haven't been doing too well with the positive thoughts. However I am trying to get back on my feet. I have counselling every Tuesday, I didn't go last week as I was still a mess from the events on Monday so yesterday was my first session since my latest set back. At first I was so nervous and shaken. I really did not know what way the session was going to do. I was so tempted to skim over last weeks events and just sit in silence for an hour to avoid bringing up all the emotions from the past week up again. The thoughts of re-living everything seemed so unbearable, but I knew I would never be able to move on and learn from this experience if I couldn't talk about what had happened. So I started talking and a half an hour later I had re-lived the entire week, my emotions and how I feel about the whole thing. I was so shocked with myself, I really didn't think I would be able to explain what happened. Going through the whole thing made me realise that maybe I had just pushed a few things that were bothering me to the back of my head for the past three months, only dealing with a few things that had been bothering me. I was kidding myself, trying to tell myself that I was getting much better and that those things at the back of my head did not mean anything to me, that they weren't bothering me anymore. I realise now that I was kidding myself. I was trying to trick myself into believing that I was ok, that I could get back into work and start planning holidays and other things months in advance without taking each day as it comes. I once again was putting way too much pressure on myself to get better and get back to normal. I hate the situation I am in at the minute. In my session I realized that I feel let down, let down by myself. Growing up people said that your 20's are the best years of your life. Some of my friends are working full time, others are travelling, others are starting a family and some are studying, and look at me. I am not working, I am constantly in and out of the doctors, I am on anti-depressants and I am going to see another psychiatrist all before the age of 22!! I know everyone goes through rough patches and I am by NO means saying that everyone else has a perfect life at all or that I am the only person who is going through this, but I am so upset with myself. How could I let this illness take over my life. I spent the next ten minutes in counselling giving out about myself, calling myself every name under the sun and picking out all of my faults. When I finished my rant I felt like I had said all I wanted to say. I just wanted to crawl into a big deep hole and never come out. My head started filling with negative thoughts, I know running away from a problem or feeling isn't the best or bravest thing to do but the past few weeks it seems like the only thing that might slightly help. In that moment everything that I had ever done that was in any way negative popped in my head, which helped me to form a case against myself to prove that I am this horrible selfish person whose Mental health Issues consumes my life and the lives of people around me. My counselor asked me what I do in my spare time to which I replied with fashion and beauty mood boards, watching tv and doing stuff for the blog. I spoke about the blog for the remainder of the session. The mood in the room changed from low and negative to this burst of energy and joy in just seconds. I couldn't stop smiling and talking about the blog. My counselor said that the change in my body language, attitude, the sound of my voice and my facial expression when I talk about the blog is incredible, she said it was like a totally different person. She asked me why I like to do the blog and although 80% of the reason I started this blog was to help myself, to document my journey and to learn how to deal with my Mental Health Issues, at the minute that percentage has gone to 50% because the other 50% is to help other people, you guys. All everyone keeps telling me is that you have to look after number one which I 100% agree with, but the type of person I am, I find it so hard to think of just myself. I would rather help someone else through their tough day than talk about my own tough day, it is just the person I am. Don't get me wrong, throughout this journey I am trying to think of myself a little more and put my own needs first but the fact of the matter is that helping people has really boosted my confidence and has helped me try to get over the past week. The counselor then asked how do I know I am helping people, and this answer was the easiest answer of the entire session. I know because the amount of beautiful messages, support and feedback I am receiving from you all is unbelievable. I am so overwhelmed yet so happy and grateful with all of the texts and Facebook messages I am receiving. When I started this blog I really did not know what way the feedback would go. I hoped people would read it, share some posts and learn from my experiences and use my tips to help them. I feared that people would laugh, turn up their noses, think that it was embarrassing and take pity on me. Although some people have done this and that is up to them everyone is entitled to their own opinion, on the other hand the amount of support I have received is unbelievable, I never would have guessed that the blog would touch so many people as it has. A lot of the messages I am receiving are telling me how I am inspiring people to talk about their own mental health issues and times when they have felt low and that they are learning from my experiences. I really can not explain how happy I am to hear this and for the first time in a very very very long time how this feed back makes me proud. I sat in that counselling session and I realized that I have started something so special, even if the blog only helps a handful of people it is still doing what I set it up to do and that is to spread awareness of not only about mental health issues and how they affect different people but also how you can try to manage your mental health issues, how it does not have to ruin and consume your life. I had the idea of the blog for about a month before I actually started to do some work on it. There was always this little voice inside me saying that it was a stupid idea, that it wouldn't work and what would people think of me? I am so happy and relieved that my creative side won and that the blog is the outcome. I just want to help other people and it is doing even more than that. When I was in Portlaoise two weeks ago I said to Mark that I might stop doing the blog because I was paranoid that people might think its was ridiculous. He convinced me not to stop it and I am so thankful that he did. Just before I left my counselling session she asked me how does the blog make me feel? It makes me feel like I am a part of a little community, a community of people who understand each other and who support each other through dark times. Some of us know each other well, some of us just know each other from saying hi on a walk and some of us don't know each other at all, however we are a close community and I really think we are going to get stronger and stronger and not only spread the word about depression, anxiety and other mental health related illnesses, but to help each other overcome them. So I want to say a big thank you to every single one of you. You have all helped me so much by giving your feedback and support, I feel like I finally have a purpose again which is this blog. I am really enjoying every single minute of it and I am learning a lot about myself and you are all helping that by sharing my posts and liking stuff on Facebook. I am fed up if doubting myself, my talents and my thoughts because clearly this idea was a good one. From now on lets stop caring and worrying about what other people think, lets stop foreseeing that people will think only negative thoughts about us. Instead lets be brave and enjoy this huge roller coaster that is life, we determine how much we enjoy the ride! Love Em x
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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