Hi Everyone, I hope you're all well. It's been a long time since I have published a blog post. I have typed out the first few sentences about 5 times, no exaggeration. Each time, I go back and delete everything, start over and then go back and delete it all again. For some reason, it's been so hard to write to you guys. I have tried so much but any topic I try to talk about I just seem to have (for a lack of a better term) "writer's block". For week's I couldn't think of what was stopping me from writing, why I couldn't get past the first paragrapgh without deleting everything and starting over again. It's only as I'm writing this, that I finally relaise what has been the problem. The past few weeks my brain has been working over time, between studying for my exams, working extra hours coming up to Christmas, trying to balance about 10 things at once etc., I haven't been able to sleep great with several things racing through my mind. What has been mainly taking up space in my head is self doubt and paranoia. I am the most paranoid person in the world and to top things off I have no self belief at all. I am always doubting myself. I don't mean the normal doubts you may have before heading into an interview for a promotion or when you are sitting exams, I am CONSTANTLY doubting myself down to what I am wearing, do I look fat? What will people think of my outfit? Is it ok for the occassion? My paranoia is so bad that I even doubt the way I talk, if I said something offensive, if a text I sent has offended anyone, even a simple text telling someone I can't meet up or something silly like that. My mind just spins out of control and jumps far ahead, I make up little scenarios in my head all centered around this text. What if they are angry? What if they don't talk to me? What if I have upset them? I know it sounds absolutely blown out of porportion and I know these thoughts do seem rediculous but these thoughts that I have explained are REAL thoughts that I have. They are constantly racing through my mind, once one crazy thought leaves another fills it's space. It just feels like it will never stop. Although these thoughts are bizzare, I have always experienced this. I remember being a little kid in primary school, playing in the school yard. The yard was divided similarly to that of a "typical" cosmopolitin high school, just the inner city Dublin version: You had the girls sporting the football boots in one cornor, the girls imagining they were the next Katie Price strutting their stuff on the cobbled runway while the majorettes practiced their latest routines and the nerds brushed up on their studies. Then there was me, and my little gang of friends. I was never one to have more than a handful of close friends, looking back now that's all you ever need, just one or two close friends. However, as a 9 year old, one or two friends was a sign of being unpopular, to me it felt like I had something wrong with me. As a paranoid and sensitive child, it mean't that I was prepared to do almost anything any one wanted me to do in order to be their friend, this was and still to this day, is a major flaw of mine. If anything, it made people want to be my friend but only on their terms, sometimes it made me an easy target. Although I had a handful of friends in primary school, those handful were amazing friends and I'm not saying I was always lonely, but my desire to be loved and the paranoia that always consumed me never allowed me to be happy with what I had. Lately, I have felt like that 9 year old again, I've been afraid of what everyone and anyone thinks of me, especially those closest to me. It has gone to the extreme of thinking that someone glancing at me mean't something much more, even a stranger. It has been so bad that my paranoia and anxiety mixed together have made me confront people who I feel are looking at me in a weird way or who I feel are talking about me, something comes over me and I just can't stop it. This 9 year old has had more control over me than the 23 year old me has ever had. I have felt so paranoid, lonely, sensitive and so out of of control that I almost feel paralyised in these emotions. What annoys me more is that I know I am extremely paranoid lately, I know I'm sensitive about being sensitive and I know I'm being so irrational but the most annoying thing is, is that I felt like I can't do anything about it, I feel like I am the passenger of an out of control car, you know that something is wrong, you know what you would do if you were in the driver seat but all of that doesn't matter because you are not in control. For the past few weeks I have been that passenger in the tumbling car, I have known what is wrong I just haven't had the power to stop it. It has stopped me from meeting friends, texting friends, talking to people in coffee shops, going out, meeting with family, blogging, meditating and even writing in my diary. Everything I did was a challenge, I couldn't hide the fact that I was feeling so anxious and paranoid. To be honest, I'm still not feeling 100% but I know that I'm feeling these things and I know that it's not right to feel these things all of the time so I am working on it. The reason why I haven't posted a blog post or even written an entire one in a while is because of the self doubt, or that voice in my head saying "no one will read it, it's total rubbish". It has made me doubt everything I do, and that's still the case today but I have decided that I need to at least TRY and take control. The first step is always admitting that something is wrong or not the way it should be, and that's what this post is, it's admitting to myself and to eveyrone that I haven't been myself lately, but that's ok. I have realsied what's going on and I am determined to figure out how to fix it or how to at least deal with it. I may look like I have everything under control on the outside but inside I am freaking out, but I want to share this with you all to show you that these feelings are normal, the most important thing is that you listen to your emotions, because they will always be honest with you and tell you truely how you are. I Promise to keep in touch more often no matter how I feel. Love as always, Em XX
1 Comment
12/16/2016 07:16:59 am
Dear, Emma I've just read your blog post and i found it really eye opening because how you feel at the moment is exactly how i feel with my rage moments!! I found the section on the Primary school, really catching because i found it the same way I felt only having a small number of friends, and feeling the uncontrollable need to conform to societies model of the ideal person!! Also this feeling carried over into secondary school for a year and a bit of sheer hell!! So when i found at the age of 7 that i could do an really good impression of a t-rex roar, i thought that i had something which no one else could do in the world!. This i used at both primary and secondary level to make my friend list a bit larger!. So now i have to battle my own demons of self-doubt as well, but i do know that the good lord as made me who I am for a reason, and that gives me a huge boost of courage and resilience!! Also don't forget that your part of a small but very powerful group called the j-rex legend group, which the lord as also chosen through me!! to be great!! :) So never doubt your ability and please don't give up because your great to him and me! :) All the best Emma!! from j-rex.
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