Hi Guys! I hope you are enjoying this amazing weather, can you believe it? I am actually wearing sun cream in Ireland!! I am not complaining!I am sorry I haven't been blogging in a while. As you, know from my recent posts I have not been great the past couple of weeks. I can't pin point at what particular point I started to feel down again but it all came to a head on Monday afternoon. I don't really know what happened, I can't really remember much of it to be honest. I went to Avoca on Monday for lunch with my aunt, cousins and my sister. The food was amazing, the coffee was good and the sun was shining. Once we stood up to leave I started to feel really weak and disorientated. I was really confused as to where I was and all I could think of that I was so thirsty, it felt like I hadn't had water in weeks. Once we got home, the worst of it happened. I started to get this tight pain in my chest, it felt like I was trapped in a small space and I was clinging to my chest to try to get some air. At the start it felt like a panic attack, but it just escalated from there, I never felt anything like it before. I won't go into detail because it was not a pretty sight from what I can remember. From the way my boyfriend and family have described my behavior it was as if a mad woman was trapped inside and was finally released. I started talking nonsense, I was not making any sense. I went from giggling like someone possessed at absolutely nothing, to crying like a banshee. I had pulled my hair out from a neat and tidy bun and by Monday night it looked like I had back combed my hair! As I said, I don't remember much, but I remember feeling terrified, terrified of what was happening to me. I could't stop myself from crying, laughing, screaming, crawling on the floor and acting like a three year old. I have never ever felt like that in my life. I went from spinning around on the floor to playing the piano, after three years of not playing it. For those of you who have watched Pretty Little Liars, I was exactly like Mona when she is admitted to Radley, as I said scary! My family were petrified they didn't know what was happening to me. I had been experiencing really bad mood swings a few days previous, going from extremely giddy to non stop crying, but nothing to the extent of what happened on Monday. We went to the doctors in Park West as the surgery around the corner fro me was already closed, the doctor was absolutely amazing! She was on the ball with absolutely everything. We got to the surgery at six p.m just as it is closing and she saw us with no hesitation. If I hadn't of gotten to the doctor then I really don't know what would of happened that night, I am just blessed that we caught the doctor before she left the surgery. As I have mentioned previously, I have seen a psychiatrist, who was not much help. She was very dismissive and said the only way for me to get better was continuous counselling, which she also gave me incorrect information about local counselling services. Although that particular psychiatrist did not think I had to see her again, the doctor I saw on Monday referred me to another psychiatrist. Although she reckons I will be ok, she does think that maybe a deeper look into my depression is necessary, it might help me to get the correct medication and/ or diagnosis. I have not had a sleep past five hours in at least six months which I reckon is the main source of my mood swings and this recent episode. I also think that I started to see that I was coping better and feeling more myself, so I piled the pressure on myself. I started to doubt myself with every decision I made no matter how big or small it was. I blame myself for getting sick in the first place, that I had to leave work. I feel lazy and worthless. I am paranoid at the best of times but I am so paranoid now that at the weekend I was sitting on top of the stairs making sure my family weren't talking about me. I was trying to keep busy by meeting up to four different people every day, keep on top of house work, apply for jobs and exercise at least four times a week. I know for some people this is an average week, but at the minute it has all proved to be too much for me. I am not ready yet for all of that and I have to learn to accept that. The doctor prescribed sleeping tablets for a week to get my sleeping pattern more consistent and also prescribed tablets to keep down the hyperness and mood swings, as well as staying on my normal medication( I am terrible with remembering medical terms!!) I was reluctant to go on sleeping tablets, but I have not slept in months so I will try these until the end of the week to try and gain some hours of sleep back. I have my new referral for the psychiatrist already, as I said the doctor was on the ball and I owe her a lot! It was agreed that I am better sticking with my regular GP and going back to him in a week or so to see if I am to stick on the new tablets. We also agreed that I should continue attending counselling. At the start of this journey I was so embarrassed to admit I was on medication and attending counselling. I thought it made me weak. I need to try to stop thinking like this. I have no self belief and my main problem is that I am an actress at heart, I can act that everything is ok. However my family, boyfriend and best friend know me better than I know myself and they knew I needed help, to them I am so grateful and apologetic. The last thing I want is to be a burden, but I am trying to stop thinking like that. They are there for me like I would be for them and that is true love. I am sorry if I do not blog as much as I have been, it is going to take awhile for me to get back to how I was four weeks ago, but I will get there and I will carry you with me every step of the way. Love Em X
1 Comment
xxxcxxx
8/13/2015 04:11:21 pm
Beautifully written Emma. You are not and never will be a burden. We all love you so much. Stay strong wonderful lady, you will soon be back to yourself.
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