Hi guys, happy Friday! I hope you have all had a great week so far, thank crunchie its the weekend! This week has been a crazy one for me. As you know myself and my family are just home from our holidays and my sister Katie went to her debs Tuesday night. So between unpacking, cleaning the house, organizing bits and pieces for the night of the debs and coping with a nasty dose of the flu, it has been one crazy week. However, yesterday was a day that I will never ever forget. About a month ago, I finally found out my diagnosis, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. At first, I was so confused. For the past three years I have had to get my head around the fact that I was suffering from anxiety and depression. I have changed my medication numerous times, I have seen various counselors and I have tried every breathing technique out there in order to control my anxiety. Now I had this different diagnosis to deal with, and it wasn't helped by the fact that my doctor didn't know much about it either. I felt so alone and so lost, at that moment I was so tempted to give up. After hours of going over the past three years in my head and reading up on this new diagnosis, I visited my dad in work. I didn't know what to say,other than the fact that I wanted this all to be over. Some people have said to me in the past few weeks "oh it could be worse, at least it isn't a more severe diagnosis". A part of me agrees, a part of me knows that yes this is something I can learn how to control and deal with, but the other part of me, the fed up and worn out part is thinking, no this is just another thing for me to cope with, another thing that is going to drain me. This same part is thinking three years of hell could have been avoided if we knew this diagnosis a long time ago. When I saw my dad, at first he said I should be happy that we finally know what it is but when he saw my face he knew just exactly how I was feeling without me having to try to find the words to describe it. Dad then pulled out his phone and started to look for something, which initially really annoyed me "how is this a time to be on your phone" I thought to myself. Then he told me the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, that he was going to get a tattoo of H.O.P.E and that he had already talked to a tattoo artist in the village about it. I had already been crying, but at this stage there were floods of tears. For years dad has said he would only get a tattoo if it meant something and the one he choose to get was for me. ME?!?!?! At first I couldn't understand why he would get something for me, I always thought that my Mental Health was a burden on my family. As you all know, H.O.P.E stands for Hold On Pain Ends, not only is it a world known saying for those fighting with depression and anxiety, but it is the name of my blog. When I asked him why he was getting it and why now, he said he is so proud of me, of how far I have come and of what I am trying to do with the blog, to try to encourage people to speak out and to talk about their problems. He said that I am so brave for being so open about what I am going through and that in years to come, when this is behind all of us that it will be there to remind me that I can talk to him about anything, that he is always here for me. The fact that dad was getting this tattoo now stopped me in my tracks. It showed me how much love and support I have around me, how far we have all come from not understanding this illness to having a full understanding of it, to over come it and to not be afraid of it anymore. Although dad said this tattoo was to show me how proud he was, it made me so proud of my family and so grateful that we are such a tight little unit. Nothing can bring us down, no matter what is thrown at us we get through it and are smiling at the other side. This showed me that I am not a burden (yes I am a little crazy and a headcase, the best people are), I am his daughter, no matter what happens he will always be there for me and I will be for him, my mam and my sister. It showed me that by blogging, talking about my feelings and trying to get better, that I have gained so much strength and that I can overcome anything, that I am never going to give up. While we were on holidays, Dad asked mark to book him in for his tattoo. One morning while I was sitting by the pool a song called Bambelela would not stop playing in my head. I learned this song in choir when I was in secondary school at an Emmanuel concert and this song is still a favourite of the Knockmitten Youth Choir that I am a member of. I love music, I can't sing but I love to try! This song is so beautiful, translated it mean's Never give up/ Hold on. I hadn't sang this song in a while, so why was it stuck in my head now? For months I had said to my friends that I would love to get another tattoo, a tattoo to symbolize what I have been through and I have thought of the word Bambelela a few times, but I never felt like it was the right time. Why was it the right time for dad to get such a beautiful and meaningful tattoo? The answer was easy, because I have never given up and I am a lot stronger now than I have been. I am slowly but surely getting back to myself and each day that passes I gain more confidence and get that little bit closer to the old me. Now was the perfect time. Although I am a lot further in my journey than I was a few months ago, I am not at the place I want to be at yet, but I am not giving up until I am there. So Mark was sent to book both of us in for tattoos! Yesterday, myself and my dad spent the morning in Red Dragon Tattoo studio.Dad got his tattoo first, along his arm and the I followed with the tattoo on my foot. Although both of our tattoos are very very different looking, they both have the same meaning behind them and in its own little way, these tattoos have brought me and my dad even more closer. I don't know how to describe it but the two of us getting these tattoos closed one chapter for us and opened a whole new one. Love Em X
2 Comments
Susan walker
9/18/2015 04:08:56 pm
Emma my daughter Rachel suffers from anxiety and depression it's sometimes crippling but medication has helped no end xx
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Emma
9/18/2015 05:07:23 pm
Hi Susan,
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April 2018
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