Hi Everyone and happy Wednesday! Haven't we been so lucky with the weather the last weeks or so? Long may it last! Just remember, whether you are stuck in work or out enjoying the sun for the day, drink lots of water and wear sun cream, yes this weather is glorious, however as our bodies aren't used to it, it can be extremely dangerous! As you may have noticed, the last few months I haven't been online or blogging half as much as before, that's not to say that before then I was blogging every day, I would never call myself a consistent blogger, however I wrote when I could and when I felt like I had something worth while sharing. One lesson I learn't early on when I set up this blog was to only write when you had something worth while to blog about, otherwise it is obvious to your readers that your heart is not in it. Yes I would love to have something to talk about every day but with a topic like mental health, especially when you are speaking about your own journey, it can be extremely difficult and draining to talk about everything so openly, that it is hard to come up with content (worth reading) every day. However, the difference this year is that I have have been finding it difficult to just be online in general. Yes I have been on Instagram and Facebook, but more in a social way and no where near as much as in previous years. As I have mentioned many times in the few posts I have written this year, 2018 has been one of the toughest years my family and I have faced. Between one thing and another we have really had some awful and low points, too many to count. Having said that, this is is also the happiest year of my life so far as I get to marry my best friend this coming September. As a result of the most emotion filled year that you could imagine, my priorities have changed. When I have time off from my full time job, I have been spending as much time with my loved ones and friends as possible because if there is one thing that I have realised over the last 12 months is that the only time you regret is the time lost, the time when you didn't get up an hour earlier to meet up with a friend for coffee. We can't get back time, and although we think we have all of the time in the world, sadly that is far from true, and we need to remember that everyone around us is in different stages of their lives too. Although I have been even more busy than usual this year, I have tried to write posts, believe me I have. I have at least 30 drafts in this section alone, however none of them have been posted, why? To be honest, anytime I sit down to write a blog post, it ends up in frustration and tears, lots of tears! I would start a post and I would get half way through and then delete it all again. This process would continue for hours until I finally would just give up. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a writer, but it was definitely a case of "writer's block". It is so frustrating because when I set this blog up I almost had too much to say, and now I feel like as my life has changed so much in the past 5 years, so have my thoughts and my circumstances that, up until recently, I was afraid to post anything too different from my original posts. I also think, I have developed a (very little) bit of a filter and I am scared of being honest. I am terrified of opening up to the world of social media, which lately has become a nasty space where the only people who benefit are the online trolls. Once you share something, it is here forever and of course I always knew that, however now that I am that bit older and more aware of everything I am a little more conscious of what I write and what I say. The other side of it is that although the year has been extremely challenging, mental health wise - I have been doing extremely well. I have had a few rough patches but all in all, I have been on a level if that makes sense? No extreme highs nor no extreme lows either. The fact I have been doing well has been preventing me from writing, what would I write about? I found it difficult to write about certain topics because I was afraid it would bring up old feelings and, selfishly, I didn't want to go back to how I felt before. I felt a bit like a hypocrite to be honest, and I know when I was extremely down, I wouldn't want to read about how someone else's life was perfect, because no one's life is perfect. You want to read about someone who is relate-able and I suppose, I felt that because I had turned a corner and doing so well, that I wasn't that person anymore. I was out for a friend's birthday on Saturday and one of my longest friends said something that really made me cope on. I can't remember her exact words, however I remember saying to her exactly what I am writing about now, and she said that I should be proud of myself for everything I have done and that it is amazing that I can be so open about my mental health and the struggles I have gone through. She also told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for not writing, as I have to look after myself also. As I said, I can't remember word for word what was said but it was something I needed to hear. I am so hard on myself and I guess I always put myself in someone else's shoes, as in what would I like to read? What did I need to read when I was depressed? Yes it is a good thing but I can also be my own worst enemy as a result of it. Yes it is great that I can talk about my dark times but I also want to start writing about how my mental health is now, on a day to day basis. Yes I get anxious, yes I can feel down, but I have worked so hard over the past 5- 6 years that I know what my triggers are, and also sometimes I can't fully stop a bad day, but I know what I need to do to prevent the one bad day from escalating into a bad week. It is stuff like this that I want to share more and as before, it won't be every day but it will as often as I can and with (hopefully) a lot more on social media. These days, one of the main battles I am trying to fight is my lack of self confidence and my body image. It is something I have spoken about before and something I have struggled with a lot and it does indeed impact my mental health hugely. I have been afraid to speak too much about it but it is something that going forward I plan on speaking more and more about. It is a trigger for mental health which we do not acknowledge half as much as we should and I have to say I feel that some people in the public eye and some well known bloggers, do in turn put pressure on normal women and indeed men to look a certain way and to look Instagram ready every single minute of every single day. It is something that I have become extremely passionate about, about speaking out and saying it is ok to be a size 14 and it is ok to be a size 6, it all depends on the person you are and your natural body shape. It is ok to be short and it is ok to be tall. You are beautiful inside and out, and it is something going forward I plan on talking more and more about. Other topics I plan on writing about include regulars such as general mental health, fashion, beauty, mindfulness etc. as well as exercise, healthy eating and wedding planning, and the effects this all has on our mental well beings. I know this has been a bit of a 'random' blog post, however I just wanted to let you know that I still do care about writing. I still do care about speaking out about mental health and sharing my journey. I still want to help people and change the way we see mental health, however I also am changing, my circumstances are also changing and that doesn't mean that I don't want to continue blogging, I just want the blog to grow with me, instead of it dying off. So guys, that is it for the moment. I hope you stick around and carry on this 'new' journey with me. I am planning (not promising) to blog more and if you have any requests or anything you would like to see please comment below I would love to hear from you guys, and please note this, although my posts have changed, I still care as much, if not more, than I did 5 years ago when I started this journey. I just think as my life changes, why shouldn't the blog? I have been stuck in a rut because I was afraid to change the content of the blog, but I am no longer afraid, I am excited! A big thank you to my friend who convinced me not to give up and to all of you who read my posts and who have stuck by me since day one. There may only be a few hundred of you who are read, comment and have an interest in Holdonthepainends, however together we are a community, a community that can get through the darkest days and enjoy the better days together! Until next time! Love as always, Em x
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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