Since I was a little girl, I have always been obsessed with my weight and the way I look. It is something that I have and still do struggle with on a daily basis. Growing up I was always aware that I was not a stick insect, I never have been and I never will be either. Don't get me wrong, as a kid I was never ever over weight either, nor did I have a bad diet. To be fair I have always preferred salads and proper dinners to take outs, that being said, I do love a take away and a treat now and again, who doesn't! The point is that I was never particularly unhealthy, in fact as a child I was quite healthy. I remember when I was about 10 or 11, Katie and I were on some sort of midterm from school. We were out with Nana and Grandad on one of our many shopping trips in Nutgrove. When it came to lunch time we went into our usual cafe. I remember on this one occasion, I ordered my usual, a salad, however Nana commented to the girl at the till, " we are all eating sausages and she is eating a salad, she is putting us to shame! " I have always loved a nice fresh salad, however taste wasn't necessarily the only factor in my food choices. Even then I was always conscious of the food I was eating and what impact it would have on my body. However, no matter how many salads I had or what weight I was, I never felt comfortable in my body and I certainly was never body confident. It didn't help that although I was always the smallest height wise in my class, my body started to change a lot earlier than my friends. I will never forget the shame I felt one day in Penny's with my mam as we shopped for a outfit for me for Easter. To my horror, I had to shop in the women's section for jeans. Looking back at photos it certainly was not because I was over weight, it was simply due to my figure and curves, which until very recently, I never liked or accepted them as a positive, in my eyes, my hips made me look and feel overweight. I remember thinking, if I could just shred them down or cut them in some way then I would be happy. I just wanted to be like everyone else in school at that age. Little did I know, that my friends were going through exactly the same thing as me, however nobody talked about it. Although I tend to go for the healthier options in regards to my daily meals, this certainly does not mean that I have a healthy relationship with food, it is far from. Since I was a young teen, binge eating has been a big part of my life. I very rarely ate lots of bad things in front of people, however that didn't stop me from bringing up 3 or 4 bars up to my rooms and stuffing my face with them before anyone could see what I was doing. I always thought it was the taste I liked, however I would almost inhale the binge food of choice, I never really had a minute to even taste the food. I can only describe the feeling I would get as an adrenaline rush. This was created by sneaking downstairs, raiding the fridge, sneaking back upstairs with the food of choice and then inhaling it within seconds. I always thought no one knew what i was doing, however there are only so many hiding place for sweet wrappers in your room before your mam starts to realise what is going on. Mam and dad always allowed us to have treats, everything in moderation was the motto in our house, so it wasn't that it was hidden from me, I just enjoyed the rush and buzz I got. It wasn't only junk food that I would sneak upstairs with, even fruit was a pick sometimes, the problem isn't necessarily the food I pick to eat, it is the fact that I don't know when to stop which is the issue, and I use the present tense because it is something I still struggle with. I am an emotional eater. I also eat out of boredom. I don't necessarily need to be hungry, I just constantly think of food, and what my next meal is going to be. My relationship with food hasn't changed over the years, the only difference is that I am fully aware of it now as of very recently. It is something I am learning about and willing to work on. It is something that scares me, and unless you have ever experienced this sort of relationship with food, you wouldn't understand it. Yes I could be described as greedy and making a big out of myself, and although that part of it is true on some level, it isn't the only truth. My mind just wanders to food, even as I am sitting here in my mam's kitchen writing this, I notice my mind wander and think about food in the fridge, although I am far from hungry! This part of my personality is something I very rarely share with people as it is something I am so embarrassed about. I always keep it close to my chest, to be fair it is probably the only thing about myself that I don't openly discuss, until now that is. So why now? The simple answer is that I am tired of being ashamed of myself. Not just my eating habits but the way I look, my weight and my figure. I have never ever been happy with how I look until fairly recently when I lost almost a stone. Although I have well and truly fallen of the wagon, I can personally still see a huge difference in my body, my clothes and even my confidence in the past few months. This isn't only due to the fact I have lost some weight and the difference to my appearance as a result, but also due to the fact that I lost the weight. No one else could do it for me, I had to do it. That took time, patience and discipline, discipline with food, something which I have never been able to master. It was only in the lats few weeks when I truly fell off the wagon that I noticed just how much I eat, how much I think about food and how much of a negative relationship I have with food. I know this may sound funny, but it truly isn't, it is something that I find so difficult at times to handle. I never realised how much of a negative impact my weight and how I am with food had on my mental well being until very recently. I can't pass a mirror without judging myself, judging the way I look, judging the way I treat my body, judging how much I eat etc. It is a constant torture. That is one of the main reasons why I have been so quiet her lately because yes life is good at the moment, but the one thing that I still struggle with is my relationship with my body and I guess I thought it was nothing really to talk about. Of course I know by eating lost of snacks and bad things isn't going to give my the toned body I want, but at the same time it is something I find extremely difficult to control. That being said, even when I was at my slimmest, which was a slender size 10,at the time I didn't see curves, I just saw it as fat. Looking back, I had a fantastic figure, however my mind always led me to believe that my eyes were deceitful, that I was not that size. As a result I have never truly loved my body, my figure or my appearance. Of course not everyone feels like this however the past few weeks I have been talking to so many people about this topic and it is unbelievable how many people are so insecure regarding their looks. We put so much pressure on ourselves these days to look a certain way and to be"Instagram worthy" that it is no wonder that some people, like me, have an unhealthy and even dangerous relationship with food and as a result our mental well being suffers hugely because of it. We are obsessed with weight and looks when in actual fact we need to face reality, we are all different shapes and sizes AND THAT IS OK!!!! We all look different, sure wouldn't it be a very boring world if we were all the same?!?! We all, men and women, young and not so young, allow society to put pressure on us to be a certain size, to dress a certain way, the only thing that really matters is that we are happy and healthy. I am not saying that dieting and eating right is bad for you and that you shouldn't do it because the best thing I did was lose weight, just do what is right for you and not what people tell you is right. For many people, the amount of weight I lost was tiny in comparison to their journey, however it is all relative, what may be a small weight loss and change for one person may be a huge success for someone else, we need to stop comparing ourselves to those around us, we need to stop thinking that our achievements are not good enough, we are good enough! Losing weight and being on the Weight Watchers opened my eyes to see just how little I valued myself, how little self worth I had and how low my self esteem is. It opened my eyes to see how bad my relationship with my appearance and food was, I definitely have not completely changed this however I now recognise the problem and I am working on it! Rome was not built in a day! It is definitely a challenge, to try to see myself as beautiful and worthy however I am willing to work on it, I'm doing it for me, no one else, and I'll let you in on a little secret, there is no better feeling than doing something purely for yourself!! As today is Monday, let's start as we mean to go on for this week and let's try to look in the mirror every morning and say " hello beautiful"! Whether you say it to yourself or out loud, be proud and confident in who you are! You are beautiful! Love as always! Em X
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April 2018
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