One of the things I had difficulty working on throughout my mental health and counselling journey the past year was my relationships with others. By this I don't mean connecting with people or maintaining friendship or relationships with loved ones, what I had to work on was how I acted in a relationship, on not letting people taking advantage of me, standing up for myself and putting myself first at times. For as long as I can remember, a lot of my head space was taken over by what people think of me. Do they like me? Do they not like me? Have I offended them? What do they think of my appearance? Why did they not speak to me? The list of questions that would race through my head on a day to day basis is endless. This paranoia became routine and used to happen with almost every person I met everyday, from my parents, my partner, my friends, an old school mate, my neighbours and even as far as with a shop assistant in the local shop. Despite the fact that I have always been quite aware of this issue I have with my image and reputation with people, I never realised just how bad it was. It wasn't until I fell really ill with depression and anxiety earlier last year that I finally realised that obsessing over what people think of me 24/7 was far from healthy, and it turns out it is one of the things that led to many horrible, suicidal and self- harming thoughts which sometimes where followed by horrible actions. It got to the point that I couldn't just switch off from certain situations which often led me to not sleeping well and often acting on these feelings which as you can imagine made situations worse. Although the extreme only happens when my mood is extremely low, for the best part of my life I have been known as a people pleaser. My determination to be liked, to be friends with everyone and to not upset anyone has led me to want to make people happy all of the time, meaning that I have been known to put others before me time and time again, going out of my way to make someone happy no matter how I was or if it didn't suit me, I would always put them first. I know this sounds a bit boastful or self righteous but it is the truth and a constant pattern in my life. Yes it is a good thing to be self- less, I have grown up believing this and I still believe that it is important to be there for others, however if my journey has taught me one thing it is that if you don't look after yourself, who will? More to the point, if people see that you are abandoning your own needs and wants constantly, why would they stop to think about how you are and what your needs are? As mean and brutal as it sounds, it is the truth and it has taken me 20 years to realise this harsh truth. So have I dealt with these issues and if so how? It is still a work in progress and something I deal with EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!! From the moment I wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night, it is a constant battle, however despite the struggle, I am working hard on changing how I act in all of my relationships, looking for that balance that is key for any relationship to work. Although it is tough, I can see a huge change in my mood and my thought process when I am in good form and putting myself first in some situations. However it is tough, as those who I used to put first, don't like my new found love and respect for myself, they don't like hearing words like "no" or even worse "would you mind helping me with this", as before I would never ask for help. So how do you achieve this balance or try to achieve it? Over the next few days I will share my tips and tricks for putting yourself first, finding and maintaining that balance and how to cope when relationships break down due to your new attitude, while sharing my own experiences when I started to change my actions and how I act in relationships now. Yes I am not a doctor or counsellor, but I have been through one heck of a journey and I feel that sharing my journey and experiences is a good way for you guys to learn how to tweak the way you act in relationships, and find that balance. Keep an eye here for the blog posts to follow which will help you deal with your paranoia and having no self worth. Yes it isn't easy to change your thought process but trust me, if I can do it and already see a change in my life for the better, you can definitely do it and it will be worth it! Love as always, Em X
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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