Hi guys, Unfortunately this is not going to be one of my most happy posts that I have ever written however this I feel is such a huge topic that I have to touch, however I will warn you that this may be a difficult post for anyone to read, especially those suffering with or who know someone who is or has suffered with depression. Today I heard someone say the most hurtful, disgusting and awful thing I have ever heard in my life, that people who claim to have depression, anxiety, bipolar and other mental health issues and people who have committed suicide or have expressed that they have considered suicide are selfish people. This person's argument was based on the fact that people choose to be depressed and sad all the time, that you can choose whether to be happy or to sulk around. They argued that people with depression make them angry because they are selfish as they crave attention. I don't know about you, but I let out a huge roar in the car when I heard this. It actually made my skin crawl, but do you know what the worst part is? It is that deep down I know that unfortunately it is not just this one person who thinks like this as it is not the first time this very speech has been said to me. Although my first reaction was to scream and slap this person ( I am not a violent person by the way), once I cooled down and thought about it for a while my anger turned into disgust and confusion. How dare someone think that people who suffer from any mental health illness chooses to suffer! I have been diagnosed with depression for three years and I have worked so hard trying to work through it and fight it. I have seen four different counselors including a psychiatrist, I have tried different Mindfulness and meditation techniques, I have tried keeping busy by working and studying throughout these years, I have tried leaving work and putting all my energy into getting better. I have tried regular exercise and a clean diet and I have tried not drinking alcohol. I think it is safe to say I have tried the lot at this stage, but the one thing I haven't done is give into it. I have worked so hard on trying to maintain a positive energy and trying to see the best in everything. There are two reason's why I haven't given in, and believe me there have been a handful of times were I came so close to just giving in and ending my story. The first reason is that I have the most support and amazing family around me. We are a small unit the five of us (including Mark) yet the support I receive on a daily basis is the same amount as if twenty people were there for me. Although they don't 100% understand what I am going through or how I am feeling, which is understandable as I don't understand it completely either, they try to understand and they provide the support that they can. It is only in the past few months were I have started to take their advice and put myself first, by doing so I have lost some friends and I am not as close with some family members but no matter what happens those four are always there for me, and I seriously would not be able to get through half of the stuff I have without them. The second reason why I have not given into the temptation of giving up is because of me. Although I am always the first to give up when exercise is too much for me or when a book is too long or when I am not good at something, when it comes to my mental health I have this determination inside me that wants to fight it until I am back to myself. I don't know how or where this determination has come from, but it is what keeps me going when I have a bad day, or when I think about self harming or the thought of just staying in bed all day and avoiding everyone comes to mind. I am not giving into my depression, and although I wake up every morning in the unknown as to how I am going to feel or whether I am going to have another crazy episode, I keep going. It is a constant battle, I have to keep fighting with myself but I know that one day I will look back on this experience and be so proud of how far I have come. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have either the support or the determination that I have to not give up. Although I feel alone 50% of the time, there are people out there who are 100% alone as they have no home support and therefore they give into the temptation to give up, they see no reason to carry on struggling, because it is a struggle. This is what people who have not suffered with depression or who haven't known someone really well who has gone through it don't know. Although everyone reaches a low point in their lives, the difference with depression is that there comes a point where you are fed up feeling low, you have tried everything in your power to get better and the only option is to give up. You feel so helpless at times, you hate yourself for everything you are putting those around you through. The difference between someone who has a bad day every once in a while to someone who has a bad hour every day is that the latter struggle to see the positive in even the biggest things, and it is so draining. So imagine how tough it must be for those who have no support, who are fighting this battle alone. In my opinion, the term "I am so depressed" is used way too lightly in today's society. Although some people would argue and say that this is a good thing that people are acknowledging depression, this is a completely different context. In my opinion this is almost mocking mental health issues, I know when people say it they don't mean to mock people but I think this term is what makes people think that depression is some sort of joke or that people who have it are using it as an excuse for just feeling down. Trust me if I could just 'decide' to be happy I would. I HATE feeling like this all of the time, I HATE putting my family through this and I HATE not being able to work and get on with my life. If there was a magic button that would just let me get better and forget about the past three years I would, but there isn't. The problem is is that people don't want to admit that depression is a real illness because it actually frightens people to think that everyday there are people out there who feel like this and want nothing more than it to end. Mental Health issues have to be viewed like any other terrible or fatal illness because the fact is that depression can be fatal if people have no support or do not get to the bottom of their depression quick enough. Although in many cases, people with depression can get to the bottom of what is causing their depression by attending counseling regularly and working through the issues that are causing them pain. Unfortunately for some people their depression is at a deeper level and may be due to other mental health issues underlining or a chemical imbalance. Although the theory of a chemical imbalance causing major depression is not 100% agreed upon by doctors and psychiatrists, for some people this is the underlining reason why some antidepressants or counseling just is not enough. The life of someone living with depression is completing misinterpreted. At the moment, I am not fit for work. Some people in the past few months have said how am I not fit for work? Surely it is just a matter of focusing on work and forgetting about your depression while in the work place? I really really wish that this was the case, that it was just as easy as forgetting about my depression, but unfortunately it isn't. I have worked through my depression for the past three years and as a result I never felt 100% better. This year I made the huge decision to stop working to try and get better. It is not just a case of leaving work and relaxing at home. Making that decision means that I was putting my life on hold. Myself and Mark were planning on travelling Europe in 2016 or moving abroad but due to both my mental health issues and not working we can't go. I have worked my bum off in college for two years and I had reached my perfect job as a result of hard work but everyday was a struggle. I couldn't go into work without having a panic attack. This decision was not just made one day, it was something that I had been thinking about for the past year. I have been in jobs were I have been openly bullied because I was honest about my depression and anxiety, so leaving work was a scary and big deal for me. Thankfully IACT were absolutely amazing, completely understanding and i have made some lifelong friends in there. Some people look at my Instagram or Snapchat and think I have a wonderful life, that I do nothing all day and that I lie in til 1 p.m everyday. Well I hate to break it to you but I don't. I attend counselling once a week, I practice Mindfulness everyday, I keep myself busy by visiting my grandparents, helping relatives out and doing stuff around the house. There is never a dull moment. I face obstacles EVERY SINGLE DAY which I get trough but sometimes it sets me back for weeks. Someone said to me recently you're lucky you don't have to be up early, having mental health issues is a full time job in itself and I really mean that. I barely sleep at night time, which leads me to sometimes having a sleep during the day. This is not because I have nothing to do but it is because my brain is constantly on the go and I can never switch off. I have to have a sleep during the day in order to function, which leads to a vicious cycle. In fact last night was the first sleep I have had in six months past 6 hours. I know that this is a major rant, but it is one that I think is vital in order for people lie me to get help and for others to understand depression that bit better. Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views but I think the problem is that there is a lack of awareness and education on mental health issues and just how hard life can be. Not everyone who suffers has the same story as me, and that is the thing you really don't know what way this illness will effect someone. People being judgmental and saying nasty things about those living with depression is what makes people afraid to speak out. Well I have had enough of staying quiet and keeping the peace. I urge you all if this is the only blog post of mine you read or share that you do so as I think it is the only way to spread awareness and to stop people thinking the way they do about Mental Health issues, trust me if we could we would sprinkle some of Tinkerbell's magic dust and just live a normal life, but the scary thing is that there is no magic cure, that a handful of people go thorough this for life. The only way to stop it is to provide support and awareness, which I think really hope this does. To anyone who has been on the receiving end of a horrible comment please don't give up, don't listen to those people and don't give them the satisfaction of winning. They are people who are ignorant to this illness and we should feel sorry for them, because we are stronger than they will ever ever know, and tat is something to live for. Lots of love, Em XXXX
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April 2018
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