Hi Everyone Well it's been a while since I've written to you all, but it has been a crazy few weeks. Between trying to adjust to the long hours in my new job, while balancing everything else and to top things off my anxiety has been through the roof, it has just been almost impossible to have two minutes to myself. For the first time in two years I am back to working five days a week. Although that is something which most people do without thinking twice about it, to go from not working at all, then to three short days a week and now to five long days, it is quite a big jump. So to say my head feels like it's about to explode is an understatement! Friday was the worst day in a long time. From the minute I got up I felt as if my chest was about to burst, my anxiety was just too much. When I got up I got a text from my mam, asking me how I was and I just replied telling her exactly how I felt. Within two minutes I had a reply, asking me what was wrong and at that time I really didn't know what it was. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realised what it was that had me in such a state. Although I definitely think the long hours and days in my new job is a huge factor on why I'm not sleeping or coping too well, it wasn't until I crossed the finish line for The Darkness into Light walk yesterday morning that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Although there is no denying that there are a number of things that are causing me to panic, I think that the thoughts of tyesterday's walk was definitely playing on my mind. I'm sure many of you have heard of and/or have taken part of The Darkness into Light Walk in aid of Pieta House. As you all know, Pieta House has been a huge part of my journey and I have spoken out so many times as to how much they really rely on sponsorship, fundraising and donations. This walk is a huge part of their yearly fundraising and with about 150 venues across Ireland this year, it is growing every single year. For the past five years I have wanted to do this walk, however I haven't been able to do it. The first few years, I couldn't get the time off work, but last year I decided I was going to do it however, I used having the flu as an excuse, I simply just wasn't strong enough, mentally. I couldn't face it. So this year, I had decided I wanted to do it, but for weeks I put registering to one side, so Mark decided to register for the two of us and I am so grateful that he did. Friday night I didn't sleep well at all, I think it was a mixture of excitement, nerves and fear that I wouldn't wake up on time. Once we got up and we were on our way to the Phoenix Park, it hadn't hit me what we were about to do, it wasn't until we reached the crowd in the park that it all suddenly felt real. It sounds so silly but for the past 3 years especially, I have dream't of the moment when I would take part in the walk, I dream't who I would do it with, how I would feel, how it would be, what the atmosphere would be like etc. The reason why I think I dream't about the walk so much is because for me, being able to complete the walk was like a victory for me, and that really hit me when I got off the bus in the park and read a message from my mam saying "this is your victory walk", something which I never told anyone. In that moment, for the first time in a long long long time I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. Every single person who takes part in the walk has their own personal reasons for taking part, each and every single one is as important as the next, which is what makes it an extremely emotional morning. You can feel love, support, loss and most of all hope in the air. The one thing that every single person had in common was the fact that we all want to show people that it's ok not to be ok, to speak up and that you're not alone. I'm not going to spend lots of time writing about the walk because as I said earlier the journey that each person took was different but the destination was the same. All I will say is that it was an incredible and eye opening experience for me personally. I always try to be honest with you guys, share the good and the bad times. However, despite how open and honest I am, I never realised how much I tried to shut out some of my past, in particular the months and even years that I spent self harming and thinking about suicide every hour of each day. Although it is more than normal to want to try and forget about some of the difficult times and try to move on, I underestimated how much those dark memories still haunt me. For the most part of the walk I was fine, not a tear in sight however it was about 3km in, and we came to these posts sticking out of the ground, each one had a different poster attached onto it, this was the one that really hit home for me: For the most part, the walk is a blurred memory already, however I remember how I felt. I felt scared, anxious and nervous yet at the same time I felt happy and proud. Although I shed a few tears, those tears were my way of saying goodbye to that long and difficult chapter of my life. Goodbye to the self hatred, goodbye to the self doubt, to the longing to end everything and most of all goodbye to the heartache and pain. Those tears were the release I was looking for for so long, my battle with suicide and self harm is finally over, however it doesn't mean the pain just disappears but it does mean that I can learn and grow from it. It is a part of my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, yet it is the part of my life that I felt changed me forever and as a result I wouldn't change it for the world.
Love as always, Em
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This page is to keep you all up to date on where I am on my journey, what I am up to and general chat! Archives
April 2018
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