The past four days I have been going back to this very blog post, trying to write about my anxiety, what causes it and why it got so bad. Each time I go to write or add on to it I get what I thought was writer's block, I couldn't think of what to say or if I did I would go back 5 seconds later and delete it. I'm no J.K Rowling, but it is rare that I have no words to say, well in this case type. I couldn't understand why I was finding it so difficult to talk about my anxiety. As you all know by now, it is something I talk about so openly to anyone who asks. I have no problem sharing past experiences, not because I love the sound of my own voice but I would like to think that one person's difficult past will help another person in the future. usually I can find some sort of words to try to explain my story, what happened and my past emotions. It was getting so difficult to type up a sentence that I got so angry and nearly deleted the blog, it was really bothering me, why could I not write about my story? Why could I not put it in to words how my anxiety was?
I am my own worst enemy. I never give myself a chance, regarding anything. I may know how to give advice but I haven't mastered the skill of listening to my own advice. I sit here and tell you all to give yourselves a chance, that a peaceful and happy mind won't happen overnight and that you have to look after number one. Anyone who asks for advice I always tell them those three things before giving them other individual pieces of advice as I tell them that you can't do anything without knowing those three things. Don't get me wrong I 100% believe that these three things are so important to know and that you can't move on without knowing them, but for some weird reason I think that those things don't apply to me. I am invincible, nothing can touch me, or so I think. I seem to think that although depression and anxiety knocked me down once, it won't the second time. Then I quickly remember that it hasn't been just once, it has knocked me off my high horse 3 or 4 times. That's when I quickly wave my hands as if to wipe away these dark grey clouds filled with these horrible memories so I can go back to my invincible thoughts quick enough, dishing out my advice but not truly taking any of it in myself. So it is no surprise that when I go to write about my anxiety I get stage fright, terrified that I am going to drop this "confident stage presence" that people say they see, that I only allow some 'lucky' people to see. It is no wonder that when I give myself a chance to relax and take a deep breathe that my anxiety comes flooding through and usually hits like a ton of bricks, it's because it is usually swept under the carpet, where no one can see it. However, when it get's too much it just burst's through, no matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing, I just can't control it. I usually blame it on having a few drinks at the weekend, or not sleeping great the night before or missing out on my medication the day before, which to be fair none of these factors help at all, however picture that drawer in your bedroom, you know the one that closes 'perfectly' when you lift it slight, press your body weight on it and push as hard as you can? The one that you can never find anything in it because everything and anything is forced into it including your first ever birthday card that your dad's mam's cousin's friend gave you on your 1st birthday, one of the various people whom you never heard from again? At some point that drawer door will weaken, it physically won't be able to close anymore, it can't fit anymore, At some stage, it will burst open. Why do we think our brain's are any different? There are only so many emotions and fears that our brains can cope with, sooner rather than later all of these emotions will just be too much leading us to explode, and in my case this leads to an anxiety attack. I wish you could buy a memory card for your brain so you didn't have to go through them all in other to clear some space!! But sadly we can't, we need to experience each emotion that we feel, whether we feel it now, when it occurs or later is a different story. So what has this all got to do with this week's blog theme, with anxiety and living in the now?? My point is, I was so focused on telling the story about my anxiety in the past that I never realised I wasn't living in the now. I wanted the blog post to be perfect, to show you all that everything will be ok and that it will, I am a firm believer in that, what's mean't for ya won't pass ya by as every Irish mammy says like a broken record, but it is the truth. However, I am also a believer that if you are going to put yourself out there and talk about a topic such as mental health, you have to be honest, not just with your readers but with yourself. Yes I am ten times better than this time last year and yes I have come a long way and yes I have a busy yet exciting two years ahead and yes I hope I progress even more and further in my career. However none of these phrases focus on the now, none of them focus on what is happening for me right this second. Instead of cleaning the mess that is my room ( I am sitting on my bed which is piled up with books, clothes, bags etc., if you follow me on Snapchat you will see the disaster that is my room!!), I am too busy worrying about tomorrow, about money, about next week, trying to balance out money for Christmas presents etc. I was so focused on telling all of you guys on my past story and experiences when the one that it is important is the one that I am writing right this second, the one where right now I am anxious, sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings fearful of the day ahead and then sometimes I am terrified to go to bed because I am terrified that I will feel down, anxious and stressed tomorrow. I am constantly fearful of tomorrow, actually never mind tomorrow, I am terrified of what the next second has to offer. This story, the current one, is the one that matters because it is the one that is unfolding now, the one that yes it will effect tomorrow, but it has to happen before tomorrow can. I know I am probably not making sense and at this point you are probably pulling your hair out trying to figure out what this idiot is trying to say, but THAT is my point. We are always so focused on the next thing, the next event, our next destination that we don't let time, events, days, conversations just flow, we want to know what is happening next, we want to control it to a certain degree because the thought of not knowing what is next terrifies us, it terrifies us so much that this leaves a nice big space for anxiety to step in and help us jump to more worries and conclusions (as if we need any help), it helps us make up the end to the story that we are still writing, we want the end before we have written the middle of the book. When I was writing this post, I wanted a beginning and an end, I didn't care much for the bulk of the post. I wanted the start to tell the story, my story, my past story. I then wanted a perfect ending, the one where everything is ok and I am at peace with the world. The only thing is I couldn't write it because although the first few lines were my story up until now the end just, well it just didn't flow. This is my story, right now : I am tired, tense and anxious, but that is now. I don't know how I will feel in five minutes, nor should I guess. Fear is a powerful yet dangerous thing, if we let it, it can rule us, take over and be the end of us, however it can be an exciting thing. It is like when you are on a rollarcoster for the first time. You have seen the loops and bumps but you don't know the exact pattern. Just as you sink into your chair you can feel the nerves kick in as you really don't know what to expect, but you are excited. This is a new experience, you are excited to see what happens, how the rollarcoster is and how many times you go upside down. Life is a book. The title of mine? The Rollarcoster that is my life. First chapter, The Excitement of Fear. The synopsis on the back cover, live in the present and just let the life flow. Love as always, Em X
1 Comment
Derek Greene
8/18/2016 03:24:07 pm
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