Straight away after I uploaded my story up here on Wednesday, I started to doubt myself. I started to doubt who I am, what I stand for and how much I have achieved. I was so anxious all day and I started to really pick on myself. I know it sounds silly but everything I said or did to my friends and family that day I was paranoid that I said the wrong thing, that I hurt people's feelings and that I let them down. I really hated my own reflection that day. Everything about myself just made my skin crawl, I felt like I didn't know the person staring back at me in the mirror.
I started to think back on the last few years. With my sister half way through her Leaving Cert exams, I am reflecting on four years ago when I left school. I keep thinking of where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do and what I had hoped to achieve. Unfortunately life in the big bad world has not been as easy or as direct as what I thought it would be. In sixth year, everyone had to write their hopes and dreams for their future. I know we can't predict the future and I know to some people reading this you might be thinking to yourself ' it was four years ago get over it', but for some reason I can't. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I have let myself and my family down. I did complete a Travel and Tourism management Course and received great grades, I have worked in some of the top hotels in Ireland and I have had some amazing experiences, but the one thing I haven't had in quite some time is my health and happiness and that is what is what upsets me the most. The fact I feel like this makes me so angry. I am so angry at myself for feeling like this. I have an amazing family who have been with me every step of the way, I have met the love of my life and I have met a handful of amazing friends who I am truly blessed to have by my side, so why am I still feeling like this? I feel so guilty for feeling like this, there are people who are in worse off situations than me and I feel like this. It wasn't until today when I realized it was OK to have these feelings. To feel upset and disappointed in myself for a short period of time. To be unsure of where this journey, we call life, is going to take me. The most amazing part is that it took my 14 year old cousin to make me realize just how incredible my life experiences have been so far. Imagine how silly I felt, my little cousin with the mind of a 40 year old, had to talk sense into her 21 year old cousin! She mentioned that she looked up to me. Me? Of all people. I haven't traveled the world, graduated with a masters, bought my own house or become president for that matter, but this young, smart and beautiful young girl looks up to me. Right then all of those doubts about myself were knocked down a few levels and I smiled a little bit. For the first time in a few months I cracked a natural genuine smile. For those of you who know someone fighting similar battles to me on a daily basis, keep doing what you are doing for your loved ones, just be there. It is almost impossible for people with mental health issues to see how great they are, how much they have achieved and how much they have changed your life for the better. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for people to see their loved ones doubting themselves, but a simple compliment a day will help crack down those negative walls around your loved one. It will take time but it will help. You never know, your next compliment you give them might be the one to make them smile. For those of you going through these issues, don't be so tough on yourselves. The world is difficult enough without us doubting ourselves. How can we progress and achieve our goals if we don't treat ourselves with the respect we deserve? So I am giving you all a task, one which I am going to do myself. We must all look in the mirror and compliment ourselves once a day, everyday for the next week. Each day try to come up with a new thing to be proud of and keep a note of your achievements and the things you like about yourself. Soon you will begin to recognize that person staring back at you in the mirror again. Let me know how you get on, Em x
1 Comment
xxxx
6/6/2015 03:08:13 am
You are an inspiration, cant be easy to be so open and honest about how you feel, and where you are at the moment. Your cousin is right to look up to you. You seem to me to be a fantastic, clever girl who is just going through a tough patch at the moment, but I have no doubt you will come out the other side, stronger and even more fabulous than before xxx
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