Hi guys! I hope you all had a good weekend. I have had a very tough yet exciting week. As some of you may know from my Snapchat, I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday morning. This appointment was so I could tell my GP about my crazy episode three weeks ago and ask him where we should go from here. Myself and my mam went to this appointment as I can not remember much of what happened the night I had a bad episode, so my mam was there to fill in the blanks. My doctor was very taken aback from what we told him and he could only describe it as if I had gone back to the age of five for one evening. Although he had heard of people experiencing this sort of behaviour and going back to the behaviour of a child, that he had never dealt with it first hand. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have an appointment with another psychiatrist in October so my doctor recommended that we tell the psychiatrist about the 'Monday episode' and try to look into it further. Over the past few months I felt like there is more to my depression than I was told. I felt like I couldn't move on and get back to myself without figuring out what exactly I was suffering from. Two months ago I was referred to Clondalkin Mental health by my GP and after twenty minutes of talking to the psychiatrist I was told that although my depression was not normal depression that with long term counselling and coming off my medication that I would be ok. I felt that the psychiatrist was so dismissive towards me, everything I said was wrong and when my mam came in to talk with her she was so rude to the both of us basically saying that I was just depressed and I would soon be ok!!! So after this meeting I went to my GP to report back. He had received a copy of the psychiatrist's report, which stated the complete opposite to what we were told at our appointment. The report stated that I should stay on my medication although she said to my mam and I that I had to come off my medication. She also advised us to go back to Pieta House although I explained to her how the second time I went back to Pieta House, the service did not fit my needs at the time. She also said we should go to Jigsaw for help as they are a support group that provides long term counselling, however when I contacted them I found out that they do not offer long term counselling! If I was not confuse before this appointment I certainly was after it. It broke my heart as I felt that I was right back where I started, I was no better off. I really felt like that was my only hope to uncovering what was going on and how I could start to get back to myself. Since then I have been attending PCI Counselling which the staff are 100% amazing and so attentive, however throughout the process I felt like i have gained all I could from counselling and then the sessions were a waste, I knew it was something deeper than just talking through my issues. Just when I thought we were getting no where with the doctor on Thursday, he started talking about my diagnosis at which point myself and my mam roared out, 'What diagnosis?!?'. apparently the psychiatrist at Clondalkin Mental health diagnosed me with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder at our appointment two months ago. My first reaction was when did this happen? Both myself and my mam were there when she spoke about what she thought about my Mental Health issues and not once did she mention that diagnosis. Also when I went back to talk to my GP after that appointment he did not mention it once!!! My second question was what on earth is this diagnosis? To which my doctor's reply included him intensely googling what it was and how to treat it! He mentioned that it was from the personality disorder that my anxiety came from which then led to the depression. After explaining this he then went on to suggest that I should up the strength on my medication, which makes no sense as it was being in the unknown about my diagnosis that caused me to feel depressed in recent weeks. This was the final straw for me! When I got home I couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling. On one hand I was so relieved that we finally were given a diagnosis. After almost 5 years of wondering and worrying I finally knew what was going on inside of me and this diagnosis is the first one that seemed to fit me perfectly ( from what we know about it anyway). For all of those times I exploded, cried, started an argument or did something so impulsive and out of character for me, we finally had a reason behind it all. Also I was so relieved that it was not a more severe Mental health issue, that I could learn to manage this and hopefully move on with my life. On the other hand I was so angry. Two months they had this diagnosis, TWO MONTHS!! The past two months have been the hardest for me because every day I thought to myself there is something not right there is another reason as to why I am feeling like this. If I had of been given this diagnosis straight away when they realized what it was, then all of stress that not only I have been through but my parents, family, my boyfriend and my friends have been through could have been avoided. We have had the toughest time the past few months and we really were about to give up, we didn't know what else we could go, we have tried absolutely everything but nothing seemed to work. How dare the psychiatrist and the GP keep this from us, we have finally reached the result that we wanted but we felt so lost and confused because we were really in the dark about what we are facing and how I can learn how to deal with this. After some research we realized that the best type of therapy for my diagnosis is called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Unfortunately the prices for this kind of therapy is ridiculous money. My mam found a place called Cluain Mhuire Community Mental Health Service which offers therapy for at no cost, however due to my catchment area I will not be able to receive this treatment. I think it is absolutely disgraceful that where I live determines what help I receive from the HSE. What does that alone tell you about how they see people's needs regarding Mental Health issues? The answer is that unless you fit perfectly into a neat labelled box like Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia etc, then doctors or psychiatrist's just don't know how to treat people suffering with the illnesses in between. I am absolutely horrified, shocked and appalled that we do not have the resources for people out there who need help. i am one of the lucky ones, I have such a supportive family behind me and I am not suffering half as bad as others out there, so what happens if someone is suffering all of the above illnesses, where do they turn to? Are they told that they just have an 'unusual case of depression'?!?! At the minute I am so confused as to where the next chapter of my journey is going to take me and although I am so scared as I really do not know what is ahead of me I am so excited to go forward and hopefully find who I am once again. However I am so disgusted that there is no support and a huge lack of knowledge out there as to what my diagnosis actually is. I am determined to get to the bottom of my illness, but I am also determined to document absolutely everything I encounter and discover about my personality disorder throughout my journey so that other people do not have to live in the dark. I really believe that no matter who we are, where we live, where we are from etc. that we should all receive help from the HSE or at least some information and guidance as to where we go form here and that all of the psychiatrists and doctors should be fully trained how to deal with this type of illness instead of keeping us in the dark and turning to google for the answers. It is definitely time for a change! love EM xx
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April 2018
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