Hi everyone and hello March!! Where did that last month go to?!? I can't believe it is March and more importantly that my holiday has finally come around and I am out of here for a week come this weekend!! 7 days of peace, beach and sunshine(fingers crossed), is just what I need after what was the most hectic yet amazing and life changing month of my life so far! Some of you probably saw that myself and Mark got engaged on Valentines day. In some ways it feels like we have been engaged for ages but on the other hand it feels like he only popped the question yesterday. Although we have been talking about it for ages and had already had our hearts set on a date and venue, it was still a really magical moment for us both full of some surprises too. As you can imagine, we are both over the moon and enjoying our engagement by spending time with family and friends but the planning has already started between booking the venue, looking at bands, searching for photographers, it is all go at the minute. Every time I sit down to have a cup of tea it is only then that I realise that I am a slightly more shorter, chubbier version of wonder woman at the minute, flying around everywhere fighting crimes of unworthy wedding music as well as tackling the terrible crimes of drunken messes caused by the 5 or 6 bottles of champagne we were given to celebrate!! I mean how else would I be able to juggle everything!! At the same time myself and Mark are both busy at work and also busy with our courses and course work. So we haven't really spent time just the two of us without it being packing for our holidays or ordering engagement party invitations. The holiday has come at the best time possible. With everything going on I haven't had a chance to think about me. I don't mean that as it sounds, in a shallow "oh poor me" way. What I mean is I haven't had a chance to think about how I am feeling, to dwell over moments of stress or anxiety. I have been so busy running around doing little jobs and doing college work that I haven't been able to sit and think, to over think about what has happened over the past few days, to over analyse a conversation with someone, to worry about my words and actions and most of all I have had no time to just worry in general. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that the minute I sit down on the bus on the way to work, or stop for five minutes to have a cup of tea that a low emotion/ feeling or bad thought doesn't pop back into my head, because it does more often than not. The difference is I simply just don't have the time to wallow and let emotions build up and become powerful. On the other hand though it is not good to push your feelings aside and not give yourself time to relax and feel your emotions, whether they are good or bad. Yes I am on a bit of a high since the engagement but I have noticed myself being in a bit of a limbo the past day or so, I am neither really happy nor really sad because I am not giving myself time. The truth be told, I am afraid to let my emotions run naturally. I am afraid that if I let myself feel really happy that everything will come crumbling down around me just as quick if not quicker than it took for me to feel so good and happy. So I keep busy, I don't give myself any chance to feel, well to feel anything. Don't get me wrong, I am a lot more content in myself the past month or so which is the reason why I am terrified to stop and breathe. Which is one of the things that I am afraid might happen when I am away. I am dying to get away, to feel the sun on my skin, to dive in the pool first thing in the morning and to not have to rush anywhere, but not having to be busy for a week is making me worry that once I stop a flood of emotions will come flooding back and I will be back to where I started. I can almost hear each and every one of you muttering under your breathe, "is she serious? Spoiled girl!". And I don't blame you for thinking so either. It is so hard to explain and I know it sounds so stupid, that I am almost afraid to relax, I am just enjoying feeling me again. I am enjoying being busy again, working, meeting with friends, planning the wedding with Mark etc., but I can't help but wonder that once I stop if I won't be able to get back to the place I am at now. That is the thing about experience, it can be a gift and a curse. You learn from your mistakes yes, but the past can also make you paranoid about each decision you make. If you focus to much on your mistakes and on the past, then you don't give things a chance to fall into place, it is like you work against everything so they don't work out, because history has put the thought in your head that things aren't mean't to work out for you. It is all about Balance. This is a word that I really don't know the meaning of or how to achieve it. One of my greatest downfalls is my enthusiasm. I know it sounds crazy but it really is one of my downfalls as well as a strength. For example take a simple task such as an essay for college. I get so excited and enthusiastic about something that it is all I can think about, it is all I want to do and I put my all into it, which is not always a good thing as it means other parts of my life can suffer. I have a very creative mind and it is when I think of new ideas and ways to do things that I get carried away and I almost feel emotionally attached to this idea. For a lack of a better term I become obsessed with a task. At the minute however, for the first time in a long time I am finding my enthusiasm is being stretched across multiple tasks which I feel deeply connected to each and every one of them. This, in a way, is a really good thing because I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. I am not devoting my life to just one task, I am trying to treat each one separately but in a equal manner. However, I have realised that I have zero enthusiasm to relax and take time out. I am afraid I am stretching myself a little to thin, meaning I still haven't fully achieved balance. Which is why I think this holiday has come at a good time. To make me realise that relaxing and me time, which I discovered while I was off work, has to still factor into my life as it was this me time that I found myself again. I have realised, that although crowds aren't bothering me as much any more, I am back working in a busy environment and that I am feeling a little bit more myself than I have in a few years, that I am still recovering from the illness that is mental health. I am still learning from it, about it and indeed myself. Just because you get back on your feet slightly doesn't mean that you are officially 100% better, I am still attending therapy and every day still presents it's battles in some shape or form, but despite what people thought and despite my own doubts I had about going back to work and college, I am coping well and it is ok to say job well done from time to time and at the end of each day!! So guys, this month, remind yourself that you are all human. Although we all do the work equivalent of wonder woman, we are all still human and it is natural to feel down from time to time but is is also as natural and as important to give yourself a break form time to time. This month, be kind to yourself, you have all earned it! Love as always, Em X
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Hi guys!! Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am for not blogging in so long, between one thing and another,I just have not had a minute to myself! I am really annoyed at myself for not blogging regularly and keeping you guys updated but one of my New Years Resolutions was to be fair to myself and to understand that unfortunately I can't do 50 things at once! I hope you are all well and that you all had a good January! In one way I can't believe January is over because it feels like Christmas was only yesterday! On the other hand, so much has happened in that month that it feels like months have passed. A few months ago, I told you all how I was starting to feel a bit stronger, how I had been thinking of going back to work and how I discovered the CE scheme. Before Christmas I got the best phone call ever from The Little Museum of Dublin to say that I got the CE scheme position with them. Although I knew about it since early on in December, it wasn't until the second week of January that I started work, so I had about 5 weeks of nerves and major anxiety to deal with. I felt physically sick the week coming up to my start date and I was sleeping even less than before. I hadn't worked in 9 months, the thoughts of starting somewhere new always scared me but this time I terrified. For those nine months I focused on myself, on trying to understand and control my anxiety and depression,on building my self esteem back up and trying to eliminate anything that caused me major upset and stress. Now with the CE scheme, I would have a job, I would be on a schedule, I wouldn't be able to just stay at home away from the world if I was having a down day and I would have some responsibilities. Although my family and friends kept reminding my that with the CE Scheme, I wouldn't have huge responsibilities, or sales targets or deadlines like in previous jobs, it was still the idea of having to leave my house every day by myself, travelling to and from work by myself and dealing with the public that petrified me. Those nine months were the most terrifying, upsetting yet life changing and eye opening nine months of my life so far all of which I can honestly say I did not achieve by myself. Every new counseling appointment, doctors consultation, every trip to the shop and towards the end of the year every interview I went to I had either my mam, dad, sister or Mark by my side. It was the thoughts of having to do things by myself again that scared me. Don't get me wrong, before I became ill I was a very independent person. I worked since I was sixteen, I enjoyed my own company wandering around town, I was comfortable going to the doctors by myself and any appointment I had I was ok to arrange and go by myself. It sounds so silly but over those nine months I felt like if I was to go anywhere by myself I would crumble. I realised when starting this new job, that even though I learned a lot about myself over the past year, I lost a part of who I was. Although I would not change the past year for the world because I know I would not be here today if I didn't take big steps and leave work to focus on myself, I do think that I have lost some self confidence and I have definitely allowed self doubt to be a permanent resident in my head for way too long. The night before I started my new job, I set four alarms, FOUR!! I was afraid I would not wake up on time and that no one else in the house would either and that I would miss the first day. I also timed the bus three times within the space of two minutes, I don't think the times change that much in such a short space of time!! I was still convinced I would miss the bus that I ended up getting a lift to the luas just to make sure I made it into town alright. I mean talk about over prepared! As silly as all of that sounds it is true, I worked myself into such a state that I felt so dizzy and sick. Once I got there, everyone was so nice and it was the strangest feeling but I felt at home once I stepped foot into the building. Everyone is so welcoming, helpful and friendly that by the end of the day when it was time to go home I actually forgot about my fear of crowds on the bus. I was on such a high that I met with Mark for a drink and for the first time in a long time I felt like a normal person, going to work and then having a drink in a packed pub in town, I felt like I had never stopped working. The second day was even better with training and a team trip to the Irish Whiskey Museum, I felt part of the team, as if I had been working there for months, but it was when I finished work for the week on the third day that I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying all night and the next day I stayed in my room, ironing, cleaning and I didn't get out of my pjs. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and I really didn't know, all I knew was that I felt extremely low and I was sick and tired of feeling this down. During the week, I felt even worse, so much so that for a good hour or so I was convinced that the best option would be to give up work. Why start something and continue on if it is making me feel low and down? The last thing I wanted to happen was to go back to how I was, miserable all of the time. I spoke to a handful of people, some I know extremely well and some I only know through speaking to on the phone, and they all gave me the same advice, something which spoke volumes to me. It is OK to feel nervous, it is natural to feel anxious going into a new job. It is also as natural and normal to want to run at the first hurdle but it is how you decide to deal with that hurdle, whether to face it head on or to run that makes the difference. It was during these conversations that I realised what I was afraid of. I was simply afraid of letting go of one chapter, the one where I was vulnerable and I had the constant support of loved ones around me, to move onto one where I had to be independent again, where I had to be me again and that scared me. As much as I wanted to move on with my life, we get used to habits and it can be so difficult to break them. It is like if someone is trying to stop smoking. They know the benefits of giving up, they know how healthy they will be once they give up, they know they are able to do it and they really want to, but they are comfortable with smoking, it is a habit. Although they are two completely different scenarios, the feelings and thoughts are similar in some ways. It is the fear of the unknown, it is the fear of letting go of your safety net. The past three weeks have been stressful and quite challenging. As well as starting work I have also been thrown into the deep end by starting a level 6 Tour guiding course in Dublinia! Between trying to learn one script off by heart, going to a course and writing small scripts for my course, my mind is just full of so many feelings, thoughts and information that sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. The thing that keeps me going is that I have to keep reminding myself that I went from staying at home most days to interacting with people everyday, to going back to college, to being surrounded by crowds every single day and most of all that I am facing all of my fears head on while getting back on track and creating a better life for myself. I am concentrating on the here and now and trying not to focus too much on the past, what could have happened or on the future, what might happen, just on the present. Nothing worth having is going to be easy but the fact that I am able to go to college and work by myself, to say tours in front of my colleagues is huge and I have no doubt that soon I will be inviting everyone there to listen to my wonderful tours!! The funny thing is, that once I started to stop over thinking every detail, I stopped stressing too much on the script and on the little things that I actually am really enjoying my job so far. It is exactly what I have always wanted to do, so why let my fear take over and ruin this amazing opportunity? Fear only has power if you let it. There is no point in hiding away and running from your fears, because if you do that you will be running for the rest of your life!! I am starting to feel like me again, but a happier and more self assured version of me. I have been through such a rough patch but I am definitely a lot stronger because of it. To think I ended up in a job that I have always seen myself in, in a time where I couldn't see myself ever being around crowds or even working ever again, it is funny how life turns out and I am definitely going to give it all I have! So I promise to keep you all updated more and to blog as much as I can! We have gotten through the January blues lets make February a great month! Love as always, Emma XXX So it's the 4th day into the New Year and let me guess, you are back in work with a salad for lunch and a cup of green tea beside you trying to get rid of the Christmas belly! It is never nice to go back to work after a log break but it is Monday which means it is a fresh new start and you still have plenty of time to make those all important New Years resolutions! Do you believe in making New Years resolutions? I 100% do! I think they give us all a chance to change our lifestyles for the better, achieve what we dream about achieving and having some new adventures! The problem with New Year resolutions is that people (including myself), look back on their past year and tend to focus on the negatives, like what they did not achieve for example, they did not get a promotion, or they did not finish a course or they did not lose weight. We focus too much on what we didn't do instead of what we did achieve over the year. We are very harsh on ourselves and feel that we have to compensate, which often leads to us setting resolutions for ourselves that are not achievable. Instead of being realistic we make about 20 different resolutions, all of which require a lot of attention and dedication which means that we can not keep any of them, we get fed up of the 'hard work' involved in keeping all of them and just give up on them all! Sound familiar? Every Year without fail I tell myself I am going to lose weight, that I am going to workout every day, eat only salads and fruit and that by next Christmas I will be at least 3 stone lighter! None of that is impossible but I set myself these goals and my problem is is that I want all of those things now, that working for it and waiting seems impossible, it puts me off even starting! For the next 12 months I struggle with my weight losing five pound here, putting on 7 here, which ends up with me crying in the changing rooms in Liffey Valley while trying on Christmas clothes. Then I swear to myself that the next year will be different and so on. The problem is that we either focus way too much on the past and/ or way too much in the future, we don't spend enough time enjoying the present. We don't know what is going to happen from one minute to the next never mind from one year to the next, so why put ourselves under huge amounts of pressure? This year, I decided to look back on the past year and learn from it. I have decided that instead of making huge resolutions to make small realistic ones for myself for the foreseeable future. These goals include things that I can work on everyday without taking up too much time. If you set yourself any resolutions or goals they should be ones that you will benefit from, that will be the making of you and that by the end of 2016 you will feel proud of yourself for keeping them. This year I am looking at New Year's resolutions a little bit differently. Instead of looking at them like goals, like something I must achieve, they are simply guidelines. As I said earlier, we don't know what the future holds, we don't know where the next 12 months will take us, that is the beauty of life. If we set ourselves high and strict goals then we will either be so focused on them that we will ignore what is going on around us or we will go with the path that life takes us and then resent the year because we couldn't achieve what we set out to achieve! My new Year's "Guidelines" for this year include: 1. Changing my lifestyle and becoming more fit and healthy 2. Cutting down on alcohol and socializing through the cinema, exercise, dinner dates, etc. 3. Getting back on my feet through working and blogging more 4. Maintaining a positive mindset, learning how to cope with anxiety and my personality disorder better but not becoming obsessed with it and learning how to pick myself up after a bad day These are some of the guidelines I have set for myself among some other ones. these guidelines, although the result is real and very important to me, I am not going to become obsessed with the overall results of how these resolutions turn out. I think many people in society especially people who suffer with mental health issues, focus and become almost obsessive with their overall goal. They want quick fixes, they want to see the results now because more than anything the thought of letting yourself down and going through pain will simply hurt too much. It sounds extremely silly however I know this because this is exactly what happens to me. I am afraid of letting myself down because 9 times out of 10 I let self doubt take over and win which puts a stop to me achieving what I want to achieve. It isn't because I am not able to accomplish all I set out to do, it is because my self doubt creeps back in. This year, the one thing I am determined about is that it is going to be my year. I don't mean that I am going to win the lotto(although I wouldn't say no!) anything like that, Rome wasn't built in a day! What I mean by my year is that with a little help from fate, I am going to determine the year I will have. It is going to be a good year, with some ups and downs, but at the end of it I will be a stronger and better person for it. I am determined to keep being my own best friend, to keep listening to myself and doing what is best for me. I'm going to push myself little bit each day to gain back my strength, to get back to the way I was. No more tears, no more unnecessary anxiety or stress and no more over-analyzing things, it is time for a change but I have to remember to take each day as it comes, not to put pressure on myself . So enough about my New Year's resolution's, now it is your turn to decide on your resolutions, to determine what kind of year you want to have. Remember though, no matter what way you see the year turning out, there will be both ups and downs but it is how you deal with the downs that matter, they will make you stronger. My main for the New Year is to just let things happen, don't feel that need to plan out every single day, life is full of surprises so let them happen and enjoy them. If you fall off track with your resolutions don't eat yourself up about it, we are all human, we are allowed mistakes, tomorrow is a new day get back on track then. Best of luck setting out your resolutions and remember make it YOUR year! Love, Em X Hi everyone and happy Thursday!
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, so much so that you had one too many drinks and that you have stuffed yourselves with boxes of Roses and pringles! To say I have indulged a little bit this Christmas would be a huge understatement... but I suppose that means I enjoyed myself! Last night the five of us headed down to my Nana and Grandad's house. It is a tradition, every year around the Christmas season we head down for a few drinks and to my Nana trying to off load all of her left over food and chocolate on us, as if we don't have shelves still full at home! We sit around and have the same conversations every year, but it won't be Christmas if we didn't, it is a great night full of laughter and jokes. No matter how much we all kill each other throughout the year, at the end of the year we come together and keep the tradition alive and have fun doing it! Last night as the cocktail sausages were being passed around, RTÉ was showing a program of Gay Byrne's greatest moments when he was a presenter for the Late Late Show. One reason they were showing this program last night is it is probably a cheap program to have on during the craziest time of year. However the other reason and probably the main one is because once St. Stephen's Day has past, we all become nostalgic on what has happened during the past year, the year before that and so on. We talk fondly of the good times, laugh about the funny ones and look back with a sensitive heart on the not so good times. For some people, New Years Eve and New Year's Day bring about feelings of regret for what we have done or have not done in the past year, for others, they look back at the past twelve months proud at what they have achieved. No matter what the past 12 months brought we can all look at the next 12 months as a clean slate, a fresh start. The next 12 months have not been touched or marked. Imagine looking at a new calender for 2016. There are a few dates marked such as bank holidays and maybe you have added in the family birthdays, your annual holiday or a big event like a wedding, but on the most part, the next 366 days(It is a leap year!) are empty days which have not been planned out yet. It is a chance for each and every single one of us to decide what happens in those days, for us to write our own story for the next 366 days and decide what kind of year we will be looking back on this time next year. For me, when I think of the past 12 months I am overcome with so many mixed emotions. Firstly I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. It sounds silly but I know they are not all tears of sadness. I think each tear represents a different emotion, one of sadness, one of regret, one of hurt but there are happy tears too, one of pure happiness, one of relief, one feeling proud and one of love. It has been a whirlwind of a year for me, in some ways I am so happy that this year if finally coming to an end, it has been what I can only describe as a changeling year, one that I never thought I would get through. On the other hand, I can't believe it is over, although it has been a crazy year so much has changed that it is so hard to believe the year is coming to an end. I'm not going to list what has happened in the past year mainly because I don't want to bore you all! Another reason is because we spend way too much time as humans dwelling on the past, what happened, what didn't happen and what couldn't of happened. What is the point in that? It brings nothing but more negativity and putting yourself down. Instead, step in front of a mirror and take a good look at the person starring back at you. Yes it is you but is it the same person that started 2015 off?Try to look past the physical reflection and visualize the emotions and thoughts of the person starring back at you covering the outside of the reflection. What do you see? Do you see pain, hurt, anger, love, happiness etc.? I like to think of these as our scars, the scars of the past year. Each scar tells a different story however when they are all put together they tell the story of the past year. Each scar has a different effect on us, as individuals, as family members, as wife's, as husbands, as partners, as mothers, as fathers, as daughters and sons etc. These scars, although we try to suppress some of them, they have a huge impact on our feelings, emotions, our actions and in turn they can alter our journey in life. You see, it is just as important to have a scar of pain as it is to have one that represents love, because each one helps to shape us into the people we are. Close your eyes and look back at your reflection, I bet that now that you are aware of the scars that this person is holding that you will respect them a lot more, you have less hatred towards them and even manage to give a tiny smile. You understand them more, you understand where they have come from and what they have had to endure as well as how far they have come. Now pat your arms gently, then your shoulders and around your neck to pat away these scars. These scars may represent the past year but they have carried out their purpose and it is now time to put them where they belong, in the past. If you hold onto these scars, you are hindering yourself from starting a fresh year, from letting go of the old and embracing the new, after all what is the point of a fresh start if you don't go into it fresh yourself? So enough of this soppy stuff and let's enjoy the last few hours of 2015. Remember that you can leave behind whatever emotions, memories and thoughts you want but don't leave behind the lessons that the past year has taught you. Tomorrow is the start of a whole new adventure and in my eyes the best way to spend it is by forgiving those who have hurt you, letting go of any negativity and most of all by spending tonight with the people who you love the most, who support you through everything and you who intend on spending most of your adventures with in the next year. Happy New Year everyone, and remember make 2016 your year whatever that may entail for you! Lots of love as always, Em X Hi Guys!!
I hope you are all well and that you have your Christmas shopping all done, this month is flying in! As the year is coming to a close, I had my second last counselling session last Tuesday before Christmas and for once I actually came out of the place with a big grin on my face and a bounce in ,y step. The past month I felt as if I was in some sort of limbo. On one hand I feel so much stronger than I did just a couple of months ago, I have learned how to cope with my emotions, how to control feelings of panic before they escalate to big panic attacks, I am a lot better in certain situations such as dealing with crowded places, practicing mindfulness on a daily basis, etc. However on the other hand, the more I have my mental health under control, the more time I had to dwell on minor things and I had even more time to analyse every single thing I was doing. It got to the point were I was driving myself crazy about silly little things and allowing my brain to exaggerate a tiny situation into a massive issue. That is one of the reasons I stopped blogging so much, I was stuck in a rut. I felt like I had nothing to blog about because my life was finally falling into place, I felt like I couldn't help anyone and the truth is that I didn't want to bore people as for once I had nothing to say. Since March, I have been off work in order to finally understand my Mental Health issues, what makes them worse, what helps them, how I can control my emotions and get back to how I once was a long time ago, happy and enjoying life. As you all know it has been a roller coaster of a ride the past 9 months, with so many ups and downs with times that I felt like I was at a dead end and nothing would get better, at many times I felt like I would never be happy and in some really dark times I thought I would not be here for Christmas. The first thing my counselor asked me on Tuesday was to look back on the past year and try to understand how far I have come, did I think anything had changed, did I see a change within myself? For the first time for as long as I can remember, instead of criticising myself and putting myself down, I realised that yes I have seen a huge change in myself but a good one, one that without going through all of the horrible lows I would have never known I needed to make, I would never of made this change. With hard work, determination, lots of tears and a bucket load of support from my family, boyfriend and close friends, I realized on Tuesday when my counselor asked me to look back on the past year From the outside looking in, you might think that nothing has changed, I am still a 5f1 brunette with funky glasses who has a quirky style, but for me I see a massive difference. I see this bubbly girl who is slowly gaining more and more confidence each day, who is no longer being dragged down by negativity, who is learning about herself in a whole different light. Someone who is enjoying life once again and who, most importantly is learning to love herself. I have learned how to let go of things that have happened in the past, people in the present who have a negative impact my life and everyday that passes I am learning who I want to be and who I want to surround myself with in the future. Although I am learning how to let go of some of my downfalls and negativity, I am learning to embrace who I am and what I stand for, I am even learning how to embrace my flaws as much as my strengths. I am learning how to change myself and adapt to my new can-do attitude while learning to go back to my routes and remember what I used to enjoy doing, how I used to love playing music, following the latest fashion trends and exercising. Slowly but surely I am taking baby steps to getting back into my old interests and becoming a better more relaxed and mindful version of the old me. After talking for what felt like ages about the past year and what challenges I faced and how I have tackled them all, my counsellor sat back and smiled in silence for what felt like ages. After awkward silence and me starring into space, the silence was eventually broken as she asked one more final question, " Do you remember our very first meeting and I asked you did you know what it felt like to be your best friend? You said that you did not know what it was like, that to be someones best friend you care for them and love them so much, but you could never imagine loving yourself like you would a best friend, as at that moment all you felt was hatred towards yourself. Do you remember?" I starred at her, with wide eyes with shock. I do remember, I remember every single word like it was yesterday. I remember how I was shaking as I walked into the room for our first meeting I remember how I starred at the floor for the entire hour that I was there. As I thought about it I couldn't help but shiver as I remember how much hatred and sadness I had inside me, how empty. I shook myself as if to shake away these horrible memories, and I gathered my thoughts. Before I spoke I could feel myself smile a bright big smile, from ear to ear, and announcing "Yes I remember, I remember how much I despised myself. However, the past few months I have turned that hatred into tolerance and then into love. Love for life, love for everyone and everything around me and love for myself." I used to think putting yourself first automatically made you a selfish person. I could never understand how someone could put their own desires, needs and wants in front of others, no matter the cost. Although I still do and always will put others first, it is a huge part of my personality and I would never change it because it is who I am, it is what makes me good with people, maintain healthy relationships and have good values. However I have discovered that putting your needs first in some situations, isn't a bad thing. If it mean't doing something that may upset you, harm you or bring you down, then from experience, you are better off avoiding that situation and putting yourself first. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human, we care for people, we respect those we care about and cherish what is important to us, so it is natural to put ourselves first from time to time in order to care for ourselves. Therefore it is only a natural thing to love ourselves and to be our own best friend. If we don't treat ourselves with the highest respect then who will? I don't mean that I don't care about anyone else's needs, because as I said it is a huge part of who I am and I still worry about people 24/7, but I have discovered that I can care for people but care for myself and learn how to love myself at the same time. So I finally answered her first question "I have came a long way this year, I have lost many people along the way but I have gained one true friend, myself." Love, Em X HI Guys and happy Saturday! I hope you all enjoyed the Late Late Toy Show last night, both kids and adults! I watched it from start to finish in my Christmas pjs, I'm such a kid! Now that the Toy Show has helped kids ( young and old) complete their Santa list, it's officially Christmas which means it's time for the adults to make their list. Christmas isn't all about giving and receiving gifts. As soppy as it sounds, it is all about spending time with your loved ones and creating new memories, exchanging presents is just an added bonus! Any gift is a thoughtful one, however I love the extra special ones, the ones that truly mean something to you. In order for you to pick out the perfect gift for those who have either had a tough year, who suffer from anxiety, stress or who just need some me time, I've got you covered! All of these gift ideas below each will have a strong meaning to your loved ones and will not break the bank! Lush- Tastic :As you are all aware, I am a MAJOR fan of Lush Cosmetics, especially at Christmas time! The store turns into what can only be described as an elf workshop, gift wrapping everywhere, sparkles covering he floors, bubble bars in the shape of Santa and snowmen, the staff dressed up in costumes as the 25th approaches, it is amazing! However, not only is the atmosphere incredible but the number of products available means that you are guaranteed to pick the perfect gift for someone who deserves some me time, a bit of luxury in the shape of bubbles! There are a wide range of gift sets to choose from starting at as low as just under €10 euros, so that you can find the perfect gift at a good price. Another option, which I think would be ideal for someone who really needs so relaxing time but never treats themselves is if you pick out a knot - wrap. These are basically big scarfs, they each have different designs and pictures on them, they have some Christmas ones. What you do is you pick your products to go into the wrap, as many or as few as you like. The staff are so helpful so if you aren't sure which products would be perfect for your loved ones would like, they will hep you choose the perfect gift! The is perfect for people who need some me time, who love a nice bath or who simply need a bit of pampering! Colouring is not just for kids!!The past couple of months, the practice of Mindfulness has become extremely popular. Every day more and more people are learning about Mindfulness and putting it into practice. When I started reading about mindfulness earlier on this year, no body around me really understood what it was or heard about it before. Now, more and more people practice mindfulness on a day to day basis. The practice has become so popular due to the new adult colouring books! These books this year have become the new craze in Ireland and it is officially acceptable for adults to spend an hour or two colouring their stress away. When these books came out I was extremely curious and I really wanted to buy one, however I never got around to it. A couple of weeks ago I was so down and anxious, everything that usually calmed me down wouldn't work. My boyfriend bought me the Enchanted Forest colouring book, and I now completely understand why people are going crazy for these books! It is the most relaxing and soothing thing when I am feeling anxious. It helps me focus and reduce stress hugely, while bringing a bit of mindfulness into my day! I don't think I would have bought it for myself, but I am so grateful that Mark treated me to it, because it has helped me so much! There are so many versions with so many different themes, pictures and sizes, some would easily fit in your handbag!! They are available in many book shops, ranging from €5 to €20! The book station in the Mill Shopping Centre in Clondalkin have amazing deals on these books, some almost €6 cheaper than other shops!! Although Tubridy dismissed these books in last night's show, trust me these books are definitely the new way to deal with stress and anxiety, and are a really thoughtful gift!!
One present I love at Christmas (or any time) is a piece of jewelry. I think jewelry can be a very personal present, however the next few pieces which I have been given by loved ones are extremely meaningful and beautiful. For my birthday this year my best friend Ciara gave me this gorgeous bracelet. The bracelet is a Loka! bracelet, and it is mean't to help you find your balance. This unique bracelet contains both a black bead and a white one. The black bead reminds us to stay hopeful. It holds mud from the Dead Sea, the lowest point on earth, signifying the difficult moments you experience throughout life. Although you may experience life's lowest moments, you still stay hopeful. The white bead reminds us to stay humble as it carries water from Mount Everest - the highest point on Earth. When you are feeling at your best and on top of the world, it is important to remain humble. The rest of the bracelet is clear. You can purchase this bracelet and many other bracelets for different causes on http://mylokai.com/our-story. Not only will this bracelet remind people to stay balanced and positive, 10% of net profits from the bracelets go to charity, so while you are picking a thoughtful gift for a loved one you are also giving something to charity! Other meaningful and unique pieces of jewelry that provide a positive vibes and an extra special meaning include:
Itty Bitty piece of positivity!Last but not least is the Itty Bitty Book company. I stumbled across this adorable company in this year's Christmas market. A few years ago a friend of mine gave me a tiny book with positive quotes, and I could not find where she got it from for ages. It was on this week when I went to the Christmas Market that I recognized the name! The mantra of the company is spreading positivity, that positive thinking can change the world! Their products include everything from tiny books of strength and motivation, to framed quotes, wall banners, cards etc. all including beautiful quotes! These products are perfect for someone who needs a bit of positive thinking and a sign that you are thinking of them! If you don't get a chance to pop into the Christmas Market to their stall you can shop their products online_.
So there are some of my top gift ideas for loved ones this year who need a bit of positivity and light into their Christmas! Enjoy. Love, Em X Since leaving work in March of this year, my eyes have been opened to the harsh reality of how many people in this world see Mental Health issues, as a 'pretend illness' , as an excuse for people who feel a 'little' bit upset or down. Before I left work, although I was aware of my anxiety and depression and I was honest with anyone who asked about my illness, I never really took a moment out of my busy life to try to understand my illness, to try to really come to terms with it. I attended counselling in between going to college and work, I tried to juggle everything around, as a result counselling only helped me to control short term problems, i never realised just how much anxiety and depression had affected my life. Therefore I never realised how negatively mental health is perceived in today's world. Although I had been bullied due to my mental health issues in one of my previous work places, I had been judged by so called friends of mine, I have been told to just 'get over it' and many other horrible things, I never took a minute to realise that all of these horrible situations including the hurtful things that were said to me regarding my anxiety and in particular my depression, although they were said to me, they were not aimed at me. It was not me that these people had a problem with, who they were disgusted with, it was mental health itself. How can people be angry at an illness? There are many reasons. Some people may have lost people to this illness, some people may have witnessed loved ones suffering from this illness, some people may be going through aspects of this illness and they are just afraid of admitting how they truly are, some are frightened to admit that our emotions can really take over and effect us so much, however the reason that shocked me the most was that people act out negatively against mental health because they simply don't understand it. Although it makes some sense, to not understand fully what an illness is capable of, how it works and what it really does to people who are suffering, it is hard to believe that in 2015, there are still so many people ignorant to what mental health illnesses are truly capable of. With all of the research that has been done, the number of celebrities who have used their fame to illustrate just how fatal this illness can be, how much it can take over our lives and the amount of people who are in constant battle with in particular anxiety and depression daily, there are still people out there who think that the term Mental Health Issue, is simply a big medical term for someone who is going through some sad times. Although this is true in some small regards, unfortunately mental health is much more than just feeling sad. I completely understand what it is like to have a love one suffering from something you just don't understand. No matter how much you read up on it, how much you listen to them, you will never truly understand how they feel on the inside, how they are truly affected. I completely understand this and respect this fact so much, as the saying goes "Walk a mile in my shoes" , you never fully understand how rough or bumpy the road is that a person is travelling on until you share the same path as them. However, I would never in my wildest dreams judge someone on something such as a health issue, something I have no experience or knowledge on, as how do I know what they are going through? Although I have had a few daggers to my heart regarding the negative comments I have received regarding mental health, if it really is an illness, I am currently learning how to patch up these wounds people's harsh words have created. I am by no means saying that everyone in the world sees mental health in this negative light, as I have made so many friends over the past year who share the same issues as I do. The amount of you guys who have been so kind and have given me strength to carry on even when my day seemed so dark, cold and alone, and I am so thankful. Although it is a minority of people who speak negative about mental health, these harsh words still hurt and can be fatal. These people don't understand that people who suffer from anxiety, depression, personality disorders, bi-polar disorder, OCD etc. think that they are a lost cause. They have a core belief that they are the cause of all of the problems in the world, that they cause their loved ones pain, heart break and that everyone else's life would be better off if they just disappeared from the world, life would be hassle free for everyone else. What some people don't realise is that people who suffer from mental health don't think like this in order to gain sympathy or as a cry for help, they can't help but feel like this. Although their rational side of their brain reassures them from time to time that they are not this huge burden, the more powerful these negative thoughts become, the less our rational side is listened to, it almost becomes extinct! How do I know this? Not too long ago, I felt like this. I felt like I was a burden, that if I just slipped away everyone else's lives would be easier, less heart ache and less stressful. However, I know now that this is not true at all. That if I was to end my life, it would only cause more devastation and that is the last thing I want. I understand to some degree how people who haven't experienced these feelings may think that no one could ever feel like that, I know because before my condition worsened, I used to look at people around me suffering from depression who talked about suicide like they had ten heads. Why would anyone want to cause their loved ones that awful devastation? How would that solve anyone's problems? Surely nothing is that bad that you would want to end your life? Although I thought I understood how they were feeling, I was simply too afraid and ignorant to try to understand fully. At one point I was angry, why would someone want to do this? I am ashamed to admit this, but it is the truth and it is also how I know others in the world see mental health. As I have been on both sides of this illness, I now understand and know how words and sayings such as "get over it", "nothing can be that bad", "mental health is just an excuse for feeling down" or in the words of Katie Hopkins " Most depression is just genuine sadness at a social situation. Like being caught in torrential rain with a bag from Primark" can affect people with low self esteem and who suffer with mental health issues. Although I am aware that Katie Hopkins is known for her insensitive words and thoughts, and I am by no means saying that other people out there say things to deliberately hurt people, I just know how one cut throat and in many cases thoughtless sayings may push one person over the edge. Just a few months ago when I was at my lowest point, all anyone had to do was look at me the wrong way and my brain would spiral out of control and think the worst. As I have said many times before, I started this blog for multiple reasons, one of those reasons being to spread awareness of how mental health issues truly affect people, to try to eliminate the mindset that anxiety and depression are just people exaggerating feelings of sadness. Mental health is a real illness, it is as real as diabetes, heart disease, etc. Like every other illness out there, once you identify the illness, depending on how ill someone is, treatment begins and you are on a journey to gain your full strength and health once again. It is not much different with someone suffering from a mental health issue, the only difference is that sometimes it is harder to identify the main condition and what type of treatment will work, because in many cases a person shows signs that they are suffering from more than one type of mental health issue. I understand that it is almost impossible to expect everyone in the world to understand what people go through with regards to depression etc., however if this post does one thing I hope it illustrates how important it is for people to be more sensitive to what they are saying, t try to have an open mind and realise that everyone is different, that something that may not affect you may have a huge impact on someone else and that unfortunately this illness can at times allow feelings to control people and be fatal. In my experience I feel that people truly don't understand this illness unless they have been through it, however I hope that by sharing my experiences I can some how shine a light on how mental health issues are real illness and it is a battle millions of people in the world fight everyday! I hope this has helped people understand how anxiety, depression, bi-polar etc, are real illnesses and all people need is some support, love and understanding to get through tough times! I am working on some posts that I hope will help people both understand anxiety and depression and will also give people some tips on how to cope, watch this space! Don't forget share this post to show people you understand mental health and you are there for those who need support, even if it is just a smile, to show them they are not alone! Love, Em X Hi everyone and happy Monday!
I hope you all had a good weekend. Halloween is over and already the Christmas ads are on the TV, advent calendars are on display and soon the Christmas songs will be playing everywhere. I don't know about you, but I will happily sing Christmas Carols for two months straight, after all I am writing this post in my Christmas pjs, 'tis the season' and all that! October was a hectic month for me, although I did enjoy it for the most part between the U Magazine Style awards, friend's and families birthdays and starting yoga, I am quite happy to say goodbye to this hectic month and welcome a new chapter. October was an eye opener for me. When I was on holiday's in September I felt so refreshed and relaxed for the first time in a year, I felt like I was back to the old me. For the first time in a long time, the thought's of crowds didn't scare me, I had a lot of energy and I was eager to go home, but I was eager to get home and start a new chapter. When I was away, I expressed to my family how I thought about going back to work. I was so excited at the idea of going back to being 'normal', to earning and to starting a new chapter in my life. I was so excited that I started looking at jobs while I was away, it felt like the time was right. However being home, away from the relaxing sound of the waves at the beach replaced by lanes of traffic and everyday normal life, my anxiety was back in full swing, which bothered me more than usual. Before I went away, I had learned how to deal with panic attacks, how to let these feelings and emotions happen and to not fight them, they are just feelings and by fighting them you are giving them power over you. However, I was so annoyed with myself for feeling anxious. I couldn't understand how I felt so free on holidays and then when I was home, it was as if a ball of panic hit me and took over my body. I know everyone feels relaxed on holidays and stress free, that is what makes a holiday a holiday, because you have to eventually go back home and face the music of real life. However, I felt a sense of freedom, like a bit of the old me, the more relaxed me was coming back on holidays and surely that should of stayed with me once I was home? Instead of dealing with my anxiety, I was battling it once again. How dare my inner demons ruin this new happiness I found? I pressed on, ignored how I was feeling inside. I applied for jobs, any jobs I didn't care what they were I just wanted to start the next chapter in my life. I ignored my heart, if i had a bad feeling about a job I just ignored this instinct and still applied for it. I don't know about you, but I always follow my instincts because 9 times out of 10, they are right. By applying for any job, I was breaking the promise I made to myself back in April. When I left work, I promised myself that I would do anything to get better, to deal with my anxiety and depression and that I would take no short cuts, I would take as long as I needed to get better. I also promised myself, that when the time was right to go back to work I would be picky and only apply for something that would not be too much for me, something that would not make my anxiety worse. I managed to break all of these promises, as I was determined to get back to work despite the fact that I am still on my journey to get to the bottom of my personality disorder. While applying for jobs, I had an appointment at Clondalkin Mental Health Centre (which I recently posted a blog post on that), I was still attending counselling and I was still trying to understand my personality disorder. All of that alone is a lot to deal with without the added pressure of interviews for jobs that I really didn't want. I went to some interviews, did a trial or two and I had interviews lined up, but all of that came with at a price. I wasn't sleeping at all, my anxiety was getting worse and I was starting to feel extremely beat up. I felt like I was letting my parents down. When I told them I was ready to start looking for a job, they were so proud and happy for me, that I had felt that I had dealt with my demons, but the more I looked for jobs the more I realised I definitely was not ready. I was stressing days before an interview, I couldn't go to the interviews by myself, either my boyfriend or my dad brought me to the interviews, I was petrified of the crowds which lead to panic attacks during my interviews or trials. This was definitely a sign that I was not as ready as I thought I was. My paranoia was uncontrollable, what was the point of going back to work if I was making myself worse? I realised why I felt like I had to go back to work, to keep up appearances. I hate meeting people on the street and they say "so what are you up to? Are you working? Are you still living at home?", the look of pity when I say "No I'm not working due to health reasons and I am still living at home!" I was letting what other's think get to me and force me to get better quicker. What do they know? They don't know what I go through everyday, how it is a struggle to get out of bed and face the world. They don't feel the self hatred I feel on a day to day basis, so why should I justify myself for people who don't matter. Why should I push myself for them? They don't care how i am doing, not really, so why should I care about what they may think. The chances are the minute I say bye to them, they will forget the conversation and carry on with their day, why can't I do the same? Although I am not 100% ready to go back to work, I am ready to move to the next chapter of my life and do something. I wasn't sure how else I could move on other than look for a job, however I discovered the CE Scheme. The Community Employment Scheme, is for people who are unemployed for a long time and for other disadvantaged people, to allow them to get back to work. The CE scheme offers part-time and temporary work in jobs in local communities. I can apply for the CE scheme as I am receiving the Illness Benefit for over 6 months. When I realised I was qualified for the scheme, I was delighted as I feel this is exactly what I need. Hopefully it will help me get back on my feet and back into the world of work but in a way that is ideal for someone who has been out of work for a while. I met my case officer and i have applied for one or two schemes so far that I would be really interested in. When I left school over four years ago, I really thought I would be sorted by now. That I would have the perfect job or I would be travelling the world. Although I am not where I thought I would be, I am getting to a place where I can see myself being happy, and that is ok with me. I miss being happy, feeling safe in myself and feeling confident, but this past month has taught me that I am the only one who knows how I am, what I am capable of and what makes me happy, and once I listen to myself I will soon be on the right track. Now it is a waiting game as I wait to hear from the schemes I applied for, but I am looking forward to my new adventure, but I have learned the hard way that all good things come to those to wait, by rushing things and trying to make things happen before they are mean't to, I will undo all of my hard work over the past 7 months and I will be back to square one, anxious and depressed. So I am waving goodbye to a stressful yet eye opening month of October and I am welcoming November with open arms as I can't wait to see what will happen next. I cant wait to see what this adventure brings! I have never been patient, but I am learning to trust myself and what is mean't for me won't pass me by! Love Em X Why me? Have I done something wrong? Did I say something inappropriate? Did I hurt them? Was I rude? Did I smile too much? Did I look like I would rather be elsewhere? What is the problem? Why do people ignore me? Why am I left alone so much? Why do people act differently towards me then they do to others? Am I strange? Am I boring? Do people hate me? Am I irritating? I know what the problem is, its me. I am the problem.
Anyone else every felt like this? For those of you who haven't this is exactly how one may feel right before their head explodes and they fall into sheer panic mode. The hundreds of questions pushing off one another in your head, screaming at you making sure you hear them, searching for the one that is the answer. Maybe they all are? All of these questions, flying in and out of your head in the space of 30 seconds, leaving you with a day, if not a week, full of worry, stress, hurt, pain and confusion. Self doubt is one of the main triggers and killers where self harm and suicide are concerned. Self doubt turns into self hatred and anger, which quickly turns into self loathing, which can consume some people to the point were they feel like there is no point to go on. The thing is, these thoughts and feelings of self hatred can stem from what to others may seem like nothing, such as an angry text, a small argument, a dirty look, ignoring someone etc., but it is important to that one person who can't forget about it for whatever reason. Maybe it went against their core beliefs, maybe it reminded them of something hurtful that happened in their past, whatever it was, it was important enough to stick with them and taunt them to the point where they feel like they are the ones in the wrong, "maybe I am the problem?" Why am I so sure that this is what happens and that it can happen that easily? It's simple, that is how my self loath stays alive, by worry and paranoia on what others think of me. Like the world is kind to everyone else bar you, no one seems to understand or show you affection like they do to others. I am so paranoid, down to the way someone says a simple "hello". If they don't smile or hug me, both my heart and mind start to race and I come to the quick conclusion that I have done something wrong to upset them, even if I haven't seen them weeks previously. It is a constant cycle. Even though I am aware of my paranoia it is really difficult to control sometimes and I can't help but act on it. I always feel like someone is talking about me and then confront people about it which makes things ten times worse. I try to control it but the worry of people talking about me, being angry with me or ignoring me can consume me especially when my anxiety is extremely bad. Sometimes it feels like I have no control and fear, anxiety and adrenaline take over, it is the worst feeling in the world, and its one I experience everyday. Every day I remind myself that it is just a feeling, that it is just in my head, to think rationally but as I said sometimes fear consumes me, it is hard to think rationally, to separate what I think is happening from reality. I always regret confronting people about how I feel or asking if I have done something wrong, but if I don't my heart races like crazy and I feel so alone. If I kept it in, it would just lead to a panic attack, there is no easy option. I have been paranoid since I was a child. When I was little say, 5 or 6 if someone at school didn't let me play a game I would over analyse everything, like how I do now which isn't normal for a little kid. I would jump to the conclusion that I must have upset someone, or said the wrong thing or offended them, where as any other child that age would run off and cry and then find someone else to hang out with. Little fights in the yard at school would haunt me for days, even weeks. It definitely wasn't normal. Myself and my family just thought that I was too sensitive and that I had to toughen up, which is true I am very sensitive and I could do with not letting so much get to me. However now we know why I was always more emotionally aware as a child than others around me. I didn't just over analyse what people thought of me, I used to analyse how my parents talked to one another. Even if everything was ok I would think they are fighting and have them divorced and with new partners within seconds. Thankfully my mam and dad are still happily together, but I think back everyday at how hard and difficult i must of been on them, how difficult it must have been to raise a child who magnified a simple shy "hello" to something much bigger. Paranoia is the one thing I struggle with every single minute of every single day, it eats me alive. Some people don't understand, they think I am being ridiculous, that these feelings can easily be switched off, put aside. My brain is constantly worrying about everything that has ever happened, that I ever said, what people have said to me etc. It is my never ending hell. Apparently there is "no quick fix", I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. Some days I think of just not leaving my house because if I don't talk to people then I can't get paranoid, but the sad truth is that wouldn't do any good at all. It is so frustrating, if this disorder was found at an earlier stage would I have been able to control it from a younger age and avoid a lot of upset and pain? I am trying everything, EVERYTHING to try to learn how to deal with my emotions and control them. It is going to be a very very very long road, lately I have just thought of giving up. Sure what is the point in carrying on with this upset? I am hurting myself yes but most of all the people I love, my family and friends. The truth is they are the reason I carry on, I want to show them that they were not wrong to believe in me, to put up with me and to support me in everything. If you know anyone who is in a similar situation, show them you care, support them, offer them a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or even a cup of tea. The truth is that half an hour chat could save their life as support and love are the two things that keep me going. Love and support makes us feel stronger, we feel that people believe in us and that drags us up when we fall, belief is an extremely powerful and uplifting thing. It will give them the strength to carry on, to fight their demons and it will give them the courage to face what is coming next. Keep believing in others, in love, in friendship and most of all yourself. It is not an easy road, but nothing worth having is easy. It is the view from the top after that long and tough road that is worth it, I promise. Love Em X Hi Guys! So as you know, two weeks ago I had another appointment in the Clondalkin Mental Health Centre. After my episode in August I was referred to Tallaght Hospital however they referred me straight away back to Clondalkin Mental Health Centre. At the beginning I was not happy about being referred back to there because the last time I was there I left feeling ten times worse then I felt going in. We recieved no help the last time and were sent packing with no help at all. Although they did find my diagnosis I wasn't told until four months later, so I had my doubts about heading back to them. Another reason why I felt unsure was because I didn't think there was any point going to it. When I was referred after my episode, I didn't know my diagnosis. However now I do and I have been working on it everyday and I am feeling myself get back to normal. However, myself and my mam decided to go because what did we have to lose? At first we met another doctor, she was so nice. I just described the episode, what happened and how I have been feeling since then. From there we headed into another consultant, who was the same person I saw the first time, to see where we could go from here. When I first sat down the doctor asked me what I wanted to achieve in this meeting which I replied with wanting to know more about my diagnosis, where I can go from here and if Borderline Personality Disorder is my correct diagnosis. Although from reading up on this diagnosis I feel it is the right one, I can't help but question it seeing as I wasn't told when the diagnosis was first found. However this time around it was completely different. The last time we were told that just long term counselling would help, however although I find counselling helpful, I feel like it isn't as helpful as it was before. I have tried different counselors but I feel I need another type of therapy or different approach to counselling. Maybe it is just that fact that I have a better understanding of what I am going through and how to deal with this illness. Maybe it is that I am too aware of the techniques in regular counselling that they have no effect anymore. Whatever it is, I need a change. I can't keep living in the dark and pretending that counselling is helping me. The doctor and psychiatrist both saw how desperate I was to find help and to try to end this constant circle of changing counselors and still not finding something that helps in a major way. I sat there and cried for a half an hour, explaining the hell myself and my family have been living. I don't know how I am going to be from one minute to the next never mind from one day to the next! I over analyse EVERYTHING from the way someone says hello, to the way they text and to the way they look at me. I am constantly worrying and causing myself to feel so ill and sick everyday. It is a struggle to leave my house most days and to tell you the truth I can barely shower when I am in the house by myself as I am afraid someone will break into the house! I know it sounds crazy but these are the things that go through my head. I think it was the flood of tears and the desperation in my voice that changed the tone of the psychiatrist. They said that they offer numerous types of therapy, however not DBT or CBT, that help people who suffer from Personality disorders. They said they would put my name down on the waiting list for an assessment to see if their therapy would help me. The waiting list is months long, so in order to make sure I am ok they have given me an appointment as an outpatient for November with their doctor to touch base. We left this appointment much more aware and content as we FINALLY felt like we had been listened to. It is going to be a long wait for the assessment but at least I am finally being treated like a person and not a number!! No one should have to ask for help twice, if they had of treated me as well the first time four months of hell and torture could have been avoided. However I have learned from this experience that everything happens for a reason and that what if's aren't going to help. What will help is to focus on the future. Take it from me, if you have a gut instinct like I did that it was not just depression I had, keep searching for the answer because it is there you just have to stay focused and determined, it is worth it!!! Love Em X |
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April 2018
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