For those of us who are constantly fighting and for those of you who don't understand ...10/18/2016 Due to one thing and another ( mainly the internet NOT working in the Greene household!!), this post is about a week later than I would have wanted it to be, better late than never!
You all may be aware that last week was Mental Health awareness week and in particular World Mental Health Day. It, essentially is a day where people from around the world who never talk about Mental Health issues, feel like they eventually can. It is a day where people find a comfort in talking about it using social media and it is a day where many loved ones realise that their son, daughter, niece, nephew, mother, father etc. have been fighting an on-going mental battle with themselves, in many cases alone. It is a day of mixed emotions, relief for those who feel they can finally speak out, grief for those who remember loved ones who felt they couldn't speak out, sadness and worry for those who just discovered that a loved one is suffering and one emotion that was visibly clear last week was love, love for every single person who has, is and will suffer from this demon inside them. I logged onto Facebook last week and all I could see was love and support taking over my news feed, it was so incredible to see and in a sense it is such a shame that it is only one day a year that encourages these emotions. For the past year and four months or so I have talked about my experience with mental health. I have detailed some of the toughest times of both mine and my family's life, I have not held back on any emotions and I have discussed the outcomes of each scenario. Despite what some people think I don't do it to say that I am a "blogger", or to share my personal experiences with everyone so that everyone can know everything about me and pity me. In the words of my crazy yet amazing nana "Certainly not!!" So why do I do it? I do it to help others out there like me, to show the person who can't understand why they are so down and emotional all of the time that they are not alone. To show people that no, it isn't ok to wish you weren't here and although it's not normal, they are not alone and many people have come out on top after hard work and treatment, so much so that they are loving their lives now. I do it to spread awareness on mental health and to hopefully inspire people to try new things in order to help themselves. I do it to help mams, dads, grandparents, siblings, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends etc., who are seeing their loved ones disappearing before their eyes due to this nasty illness. Most of all I do it to show that Mental Health IS A REAL ILLNESS and that the people who go through it need real treatment and not just to be told that they will be ok so get over it. It is an illness just like the thousands of other illnesses that millions of people suffer from every single day, just like those illnesses, these people need love, support and treatment, the only difference is is that Mental Health Illnesses aren't always visible to the eye. That's why this blog was started just over a year ago, to help people see the signs and symptoms that a loved one is suffering, that a loved one isn't well. In recent months I have tried to change the way I write. I have tried to be more positive to help people who are suffering, to tell them to not give up and to show them that things will and can get better. However, although I intend to still remain positive and to post about things that can help you or a loved one, I am not doing myself or others who have, are and may suffer in the future from one of the many mental health illnesses, any justice. It is not an easy journey in fact I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Many people think a few months of counselling and a few yoga sessions will get rid of all of your troubles and you will never suffer again, well you would be wrong to think this. Although these things do help for many people including myself, illnesses like Depression, Bi-polar, OCD, Borderline personality Disorder, Anxiety etc., don't just disappear. For many, including myself, IT IS A DAILY BATTLE AND STRUGGLE. Although I am ten times better than I was this time last year that doesn't mean I don't still have my bad days. There are days I still look in the mirror and break down and cry. There are days I have to stop myself from self-harming. There are days I have to FORCE myself to get out of bed. There are days I have to put on a smile and pretend everything is ok because I know if I breakdown and reveal my true feelings all of the time, my loved ones will lose hope and lets face it if they lose hope, this illness would not just be destroying me, it would destroy them too. There are days I have to remind myself that life IS worth living but despite what I tell myself I can't stop crying and I'm not convinced. Today is one of those days. The difference between me today and me last year, is that today I know it's just ONE bad day, were as last year I was convinced I was going to feel like this for the rest of my life. So if it's not pity that I am looking for why did I write this post? I wrote this in honour for those who have lost their lives to this sickening illness. For those who feel like this every day. For those of you who read this blog every single day because I owe it to you all to be honest because if you are reading this, it may be because you are curious of what I am ranting about now, but I know deep down inside that sadly you may be going through some bad times and you are looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. Although this post is slightly more bleak than usual, I want to stress that the light at the end of the tunnel is that, although I have my ups and downs, every day is NOT a bad day. In fact, 2016 has been the most amazing and memorable year of my life so far and although bad days have been in between these amazing days, those bad days have not stopped me from enjoying the incredible days and times I have had this year. In fact it is those bad days that make the amazing days even better and more memorable. Another reason for this post is to show all of those people who don't believe that mental health issues can be life threatening that despite what you think, there are REAL people in the world who sadly know all too well that mental health illnesses are a REAL THING. These people have REAL feelings, they experience horrible and unimaginable emotions and thoughts all too often. So this post is to simply ask for you to think before you speak, to listen to others, to have respect for people who are going through hell, because that is what these illnesses can bring, it's hell. Despite what people go through, these illnesses make these people stronger than they were before but it doesn't mean that your harsh words and lack of thought for what they are going through don't hurt them! So whether you have gone through hell and back personally or a loved one has, please please share this in a bid to spread awareness on these horrible illnesses. The next time you think you can't cope anymore and want to end your life think of this: I have gone through hell but I have survived and in turn I have had the most amazing 10 months of my life ever, so why can't you? We are all beautiful, brave and strong souls who deserve to live an amazing life so why should we let this monster win? Or the doubters out there? Let's prove them all wrong and show them that yes tough times are ahead but we CAN get through this. Let's talk openly and honestly about mental health, in a bid to spread awareness and to make people aware of the monster that is mental health, maybe sharing our true stories might help people understand what we are going through more or even help them if they ever find themselves having a bad day. Love as always, Em XX
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Yesterday was the first day in 7 days that the idea of leaving the house didn't make me want to get sick. It was the first time that I wasn't freaked out in the car by myself in a few weeks. It was the first time in a few weeks that the dogs barking at nothing didn't send me into sheer panic. All in all yesterday was a very very good day, in fact it was the best in a long time. Nothing major happened, I didn't win the lotto or anything but it was the first time in two months that I woke up feeling happy.
The past two months, I could feel myself feeling more and more down in myself. I felt physically sick and even dizzy from the never ending emotional roller coaster that I was on. Every day it was harder and harder to get out of bed, to look at my phone, to meet up with friends and to go to work. Everything seemed a hundred times harder and bigger of a task than it actually was. Nothing was fun anymore, everything seemed like a chore. However, for two months I soldiered on, going back to basics and trying to perk myself up the best ways I knew how. However, last Monday I started to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It took me three hours to muster up the courage to get dressed and then a further hour to force myself out of the house. For the first time in a long time, it was my anxiety that was worse than depression. In fact I was only feeling low and down in myself because my anxiety was stopping me from doing things, because I felt too drained to fight it anymore. There is only so much fighting that you can do, there are only so many times you can force yourself to get up and carry on, to not let this monster win. Eventually you are tired of fighting, so tired that letting this monster take over seems like the only option. After three days of feeling anxious, not wanting to leave the house and really just feeling crap, I decided to pay the doctor a little visit. Enough was enough. yes I was tired of fighting but I was also tired of this monster winning, it wasn't getting the better of me this time. So I did what for many seems like an easy task, I paid my doctor a visit by myself. For those of you who have experienced panic attacks or anxiety, you will know that this is a HUGE step. Previously, anytime I had gone to the doctors I had no choice to go, my parents told me I had to go. For the past few years, someone would go with me, the thoughts of going around there and breaking down just terrified me more. However, last week I realised something that I never thought of before and that's this: That I am in control of whether or not I get through this. Unfortunately, we all have our highs and lows. Some days are good days but some are bad days, that's just the way of life. However, for me, my bad days seem to be ten times darker than some of those around me. That is not to say that their bad days aren't still bad days, but on a sale of 1 to 10, 10 being unbearable, I can go from 1 to 10 in a matter of minutes. The difference is, is that my bad days, like many others who suffer from any mental health illness, can be life threatening. Although I have always accepted the fact that I will have my bad days more often than some people I never realised that despite the fact that the potential for it to be life threatening is there, it will only reach that potential if I let it. I am in control of that potential! I have talked the ears off many counsellors, I have said all I need to say, sadly my mental health issues are't ones that talking will completely fix, I believe it's just something I will have to live with and deal with for the rest of my life. But I now realise, that I can control these bad days and I can stop them from getting to that point of no return. I used to think that if I went to the doctors or missed a day in school or college that I was admitting defeat, when in actual fact I am being pro active. I'm seeing the potential of these bad days and taking action to prevent them from being my last days. I used to think I didn't have any control of how bad things got regarding my mental health, but what I realised last week was that I have control as long as I am alive. As morbid as that sounds I believe in it 100%. Going to the doctors and asking for his opinion doesn't mean I am weak or that things are out of my control, in fact it means the opposite. I am not letting this demon get the better of me. Now I am not saying that the doctor waved a magic wand and everything was all better, no. It took a lot of work last week, work which I will have to do for the rest f my life. I went back to basics completely, took a few days off from my usual manic life and rested for the week. I didn't sit at home in bed all day no, but I worked on leaving the house. I worked on controlling my anxiety. I worked on how I see myself personally. To be honest, I stripped everything right back and started from the beginning again. Some things that used to work for me don't anymore, I took the week to discover what works for me now and put them into practice. Imagine you have a sore back. You tried a hot bath and some medication but nothing seemed to shift the pain so you go to the doctors or for some physio. You may need to take some time off work, a day or two, to prevent it from getting worse, to prevent straining it even further. It is exactly the same with regards to our mental health. IT IS AN ILLNESS!!!!!!!! But for some reason, we think we don't need to take time off to nurse it back to health. To be honest, it should be one of the top things we consider sick leave for because if our mental health isn't on top form, how can we function at all?? We can't. So why do we still ignore the signs?? Embarrassment, fear of the unknown or for many, the fear of the known maybe be some of the reasons why we don't act straight away. The reason why doesn't matter, all that does matter is that we act now!!! If you feel low or anxious, work on it instantly. I don't mean go to the doctors straight away but what I do mean is go back to basics. Have some me time, read up on it, spend time with some friends, go for a walk to clear your head etc., whatever calms you down or helps you cope, do it. I tried those things however what I needed was a break, a rest and time to heal, and I was the only one who could do that for me. I am in control of my situation, of my health and I may not believe in myself all of the time but I do believe that I am the only one who knows what's best for me. Not my family, not the doctor and certainly not the monster that is mental health illness. And that is the same for YOU. You are in control, YOU know how you truly feel and YOU know what will help you feel better. You just need to give yourself a minute and think "What do I need right now?" The reason why I started this blog in the first place is to help people who are going through what I am going through. There is not enough help for everyone who suffers from mental health illness in Ireland and there certainly isn't enough done to help people cope on a day to day basis. My aim is to help people try to come to terms with their mental health and learn how to deal with it on a day to day basis so that it doesn't reach boiling point, the point where you can't cope anymore, where no amount of help will work. I hope in some way this post helps you, at least one person. If anything I hope it encourages you to NOT GIVE UP and to show you that YOU are in control, YOU can change your life, it just takes time. Anxiety and depression may come back from time to time, but make them sorry they ever met you because WE can beat them together!!! Love as always, Em XX Hi guys,
So as promised, this week we are following on from last week and we are focusing on trying to live in the here and now. As simple as living in the now seems, many people (including myself) find it a extremely difficult thing to do. Living in the now is a way of living that takes months and months of practice, and sometimes things that take time and effort just seem not worth it as we are constantly in a hurry to get to our next destination asap, we want to find a 'quick and easy' solution as to why we are feeling so low. Unfortunately, anything worth having takes time, effort and patience! And I have learn't this the hard way. It is only very very recently that I have decided to try something new, to live in the moment. Like many of you reading this, I thought it would a very simple and easy task, and that it is once you have done some research and practiced this way of living over and over again. To live in the moment means that you are completely focused on the here and now. You are not worrying about the past or the future, and as a result you are more aware as to what is happening around you right this second. When you live in the present you are living where life is happening. The past and future do not exist. A few weeks ago when i was explaining this to someone, they looked at me as if I had ten heads. They said, "well of course you are living now." However there is a difference to being physically present and mentally present. Imagine this, you are having a conversation with a friend and they mention the word presents. I don't know about you but one too many times my mind has skipped through the whole year to December 25th and i mentally make up a list of who I have to buy for and how I am going to afford it. It is one thing being organised and picking up a few bits here and there but it is not healthy lying awake at night worrying about something that is four months away!! Or if you are having a conversation with someone and but your mind is thinking about something that happened four months ago. You are not really living and enjoying life as it is happening, you are too busy focusing on things that really don't matter right now when you think of it. Imagine having a conversation and actually being 100% focused and mentally present for the entire thing??? It's hard to imagine, but once you have one you will wonder why you didn't try to live in the moment years ago! So how do you try to live in the moment? Things like mindfulness and meditation are a great way to bring you into the present, however they are things that will come to you at a later stage. It is like if someone is learning how to swim, you don't put them in the deep end and expect them to do 400 meters do you? Like swimming, you need to take baby steps when learning something different and especially with learning how to live in the moment you have to take each minute as it comes and not try to race to the deep end from day one. What I love about this practice is that there is no real right or wrong way, you live in the moment the way you want to. The way to start your journey is just learn how to give your mind a break for even five minutes. Learn how to take in what is happening around you right now, taking in the smells, noises, what you see etc. Although it is important to note these things, it is more important to not judge them, to just note that they are happening. If you feel your thoughts drifting off topic and to the past or the future, simply let these thoughts happen and then when the thoughts have finished slowly bring your attention back to what is happening now. So imagine you are on your way into work on the bus. Turn off your music, put your phone in your pocket or in your bag and just be. For some people it is easier for them to close their eyes so that they are not distracted. If you are too embarrassed to close your eyes on the bus (lets face it many people have even fallen asleep on the bus), then just sit up straight and look out the window. Notice what is going on, what you can see, what your can hear but don't force these thoughts and most of all try not to judge them. As simple and easy as this seems, the first few times you try it, it will be quite difficult as thoughts will try to force their way into your head while you are trying to focus on the now you may get quite frustrated as your brain will wander form time to time. It is natural for the brain to wander, so don't give up. The ore you let the thoughts pass and re- focus on the now, the less frequent your mind will wander the next time you take a minute to experience what is happening now. So for the next few days, try to live in the moment. What is happening now, right this moment? After the first few tries, this will start to become a natural thing to do and I can promise you that your head will feel a lot lighter and not so bogged down with thoughts running through your mind. Good luck lovelies! Love as always Em XX The past four days I have been going back to this very blog post, trying to write about my anxiety, what causes it and why it got so bad. Each time I go to write or add on to it I get what I thought was writer's block, I couldn't think of what to say or if I did I would go back 5 seconds later and delete it. I'm no J.K Rowling, but it is rare that I have no words to say, well in this case type. I couldn't understand why I was finding it so difficult to talk about my anxiety. As you all know by now, it is something I talk about so openly to anyone who asks. I have no problem sharing past experiences, not because I love the sound of my own voice but I would like to think that one person's difficult past will help another person in the future. usually I can find some sort of words to try to explain my story, what happened and my past emotions. It was getting so difficult to type up a sentence that I got so angry and nearly deleted the blog, it was really bothering me, why could I not write about my story? Why could I not put it in to words how my anxiety was?
I am my own worst enemy. I never give myself a chance, regarding anything. I may know how to give advice but I haven't mastered the skill of listening to my own advice. I sit here and tell you all to give yourselves a chance, that a peaceful and happy mind won't happen overnight and that you have to look after number one. Anyone who asks for advice I always tell them those three things before giving them other individual pieces of advice as I tell them that you can't do anything without knowing those three things. Don't get me wrong I 100% believe that these three things are so important to know and that you can't move on without knowing them, but for some weird reason I think that those things don't apply to me. I am invincible, nothing can touch me, or so I think. I seem to think that although depression and anxiety knocked me down once, it won't the second time. Then I quickly remember that it hasn't been just once, it has knocked me off my high horse 3 or 4 times. That's when I quickly wave my hands as if to wipe away these dark grey clouds filled with these horrible memories so I can go back to my invincible thoughts quick enough, dishing out my advice but not truly taking any of it in myself. So it is no surprise that when I go to write about my anxiety I get stage fright, terrified that I am going to drop this "confident stage presence" that people say they see, that I only allow some 'lucky' people to see. It is no wonder that when I give myself a chance to relax and take a deep breathe that my anxiety comes flooding through and usually hits like a ton of bricks, it's because it is usually swept under the carpet, where no one can see it. However, when it get's too much it just burst's through, no matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing, I just can't control it. I usually blame it on having a few drinks at the weekend, or not sleeping great the night before or missing out on my medication the day before, which to be fair none of these factors help at all, however picture that drawer in your bedroom, you know the one that closes 'perfectly' when you lift it slight, press your body weight on it and push as hard as you can? The one that you can never find anything in it because everything and anything is forced into it including your first ever birthday card that your dad's mam's cousin's friend gave you on your 1st birthday, one of the various people whom you never heard from again? At some point that drawer door will weaken, it physically won't be able to close anymore, it can't fit anymore, At some stage, it will burst open. Why do we think our brain's are any different? There are only so many emotions and fears that our brains can cope with, sooner rather than later all of these emotions will just be too much leading us to explode, and in my case this leads to an anxiety attack. I wish you could buy a memory card for your brain so you didn't have to go through them all in other to clear some space!! But sadly we can't, we need to experience each emotion that we feel, whether we feel it now, when it occurs or later is a different story. So what has this all got to do with this week's blog theme, with anxiety and living in the now?? My point is, I was so focused on telling the story about my anxiety in the past that I never realised I wasn't living in the now. I wanted the blog post to be perfect, to show you all that everything will be ok and that it will, I am a firm believer in that, what's mean't for ya won't pass ya by as every Irish mammy says like a broken record, but it is the truth. However, I am also a believer that if you are going to put yourself out there and talk about a topic such as mental health, you have to be honest, not just with your readers but with yourself. Yes I am ten times better than this time last year and yes I have come a long way and yes I have a busy yet exciting two years ahead and yes I hope I progress even more and further in my career. However none of these phrases focus on the now, none of them focus on what is happening for me right this second. Instead of cleaning the mess that is my room ( I am sitting on my bed which is piled up with books, clothes, bags etc., if you follow me on Snapchat you will see the disaster that is my room!!), I am too busy worrying about tomorrow, about money, about next week, trying to balance out money for Christmas presents etc. I was so focused on telling all of you guys on my past story and experiences when the one that it is important is the one that I am writing right this second, the one where right now I am anxious, sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings fearful of the day ahead and then sometimes I am terrified to go to bed because I am terrified that I will feel down, anxious and stressed tomorrow. I am constantly fearful of tomorrow, actually never mind tomorrow, I am terrified of what the next second has to offer. This story, the current one, is the one that matters because it is the one that is unfolding now, the one that yes it will effect tomorrow, but it has to happen before tomorrow can. I know I am probably not making sense and at this point you are probably pulling your hair out trying to figure out what this idiot is trying to say, but THAT is my point. We are always so focused on the next thing, the next event, our next destination that we don't let time, events, days, conversations just flow, we want to know what is happening next, we want to control it to a certain degree because the thought of not knowing what is next terrifies us, it terrifies us so much that this leaves a nice big space for anxiety to step in and help us jump to more worries and conclusions (as if we need any help), it helps us make up the end to the story that we are still writing, we want the end before we have written the middle of the book. When I was writing this post, I wanted a beginning and an end, I didn't care much for the bulk of the post. I wanted the start to tell the story, my story, my past story. I then wanted a perfect ending, the one where everything is ok and I am at peace with the world. The only thing is I couldn't write it because although the first few lines were my story up until now the end just, well it just didn't flow. This is my story, right now : I am tired, tense and anxious, but that is now. I don't know how I will feel in five minutes, nor should I guess. Fear is a powerful yet dangerous thing, if we let it, it can rule us, take over and be the end of us, however it can be an exciting thing. It is like when you are on a rollarcoster for the first time. You have seen the loops and bumps but you don't know the exact pattern. Just as you sink into your chair you can feel the nerves kick in as you really don't know what to expect, but you are excited. This is a new experience, you are excited to see what happens, how the rollarcoster is and how many times you go upside down. Life is a book. The title of mine? The Rollarcoster that is my life. First chapter, The Excitement of Fear. The synopsis on the back cover, live in the present and just let the life flow. Love as always, Em X This week, I am tackling one of the demons that I feel is the only thing that still has the ability to spark up my anxiety tendencies at any time, if I let it. That demon is what I refer to it as, my fear of living in the moment. For as long as I can remember, I have never ever liked not knowing what has or what will happen and I especially didn't like missing out, on anything. As a kid, when I was given the option to stay in a friend's house, I always jumped at the chance to spend some time with my friend whether it was painting our nails or eating way too much junk food. However about 5 minutes after I accepted the invite, the fear part of my brain would immediately kick in and I would start to regret my decision, why? It was nothing to do with being nervous in a friend's house or missing my parents, I am definitely not a home bird, I never have been. It was the fear of not knowing what was going on at home or on missing out on something at home, that was what I didn't like. Once I got over that thought and went to the sleep over, if I came home to the news that my family did something fun without me I would not be happy, it would actually ruin the sleepover I just had and I would dread any time I stayed away from home for that reason alone, "what will happen the next time I am not here?". As I'm writing about this and listening to myself I know it can come across as if I was just acting like a spoiled child, and to a certain extent you are probably right, but as I look back on my anxiety and how it has been over the past two years, I can actually see that there is a pattern in my anxiety which has been recurring since I was that little girl fearing what I would miss out. I am not saying that my anxiety over the past two years is due to me fearing on what I have or could possibly miss out on, because that would be the time that you all shout at the laptop screen and say Emma get a life! The older I have gotten, naturally the deeper my thoughts and indeed my anxieties in general have become. Of course I am not anxious about what others are doing without me, however it is the same idea, that I can not enjoy the moment that I am in that is the same pattern I am talking about. I am constantly worrying, worrying about the past, what has been, what should have been or what could have been or my brain is fast forwarding to the future, sometimes as far in advance as 10 years from now, worrying what might happen, instead of enjoying what is happening right now, right this second. Of course I am not the only one in the world who thinks like this, I think it is fair to say that most people let their brains run away with themselves from time to time, however it is the people, like myself, who let this chatter in our brains take over to the extent that we don't give ourselves a moment to stop thinking and to just be, to just live and enjoy life that really need to change the way we think and live, because life is too short to not enjoy every single second, instead we are letting life pass us by and at the end of the day, the only person missing out is ourselves. As so many people experience this on a day to day basis this is why I feel it is so important to share my story with you guys, to let you all in on my journey to try to train my brain to give myself a minute, to not jump to conclusions every single second and to try and allow myself to find some sort of peace because at the end of the day it isn't healthy for someone to be living on a maximum of 5 to 6 hours broken sleep or someone who is fretting about how they will afford something in two years time. So I'm hoping, that by sharing my story with you guys and the journey that I am still very much on, that you guys can take something away from it and hopefully find something useful to prevent your anxiety from getting worse and hopefully learn how to train your brain to give yourself a minute to meditate or to even enjoy that first cup of coffee in the morning without worrying about tonight's dinner. As anxiety and worry is such a huge area and one I feel that many people can and will relate to, I have decided that one week isn't enough to fully cover this topic. Over the next few weeks, I am going to blog about living in the moment, why it is important to live in the moment, how not living in the moment can cause huge levels of stress and most of all how we can tackle different aspects of our day to day lives in order reach a more calm and peaceful way of living and thinking in mundane areas such as sleeping, eating, exercising and even traveling to work in order to actually enjoy every part of our lives and to not let stress, worry and anxiety of the past, future and the unknown dictate our lives. So guys, as this is a such a big area that affects so many people and really can lead to terrible anxiety attacks and even other mental health issues such as OCD and Depression, please let me know if there are any areas you want me to talk about or if there are any questions you have on how to reduce your anxiety, on how to live in the moment. You can let me know my either commenting below, sending my a private message on Facebook at holdonthepainends or feel free to email me at [email protected]. Remember, this blog was set up not only to help me but to help you all get through life, even the most boring and mundane tasks, because lets face it, those are the ones that are important because they play a big part in our lives. So until the next blog post, just remember, tomorrow isn't here yet so you can live it when it arrives, but as for today you only have one chance to make the most of it. Love as always, Em X One of the things I had difficulty working on throughout my mental health and counselling journey the past year was my relationships with others. By this I don't mean connecting with people or maintaining friendship or relationships with loved ones, what I had to work on was how I acted in a relationship, on not letting people taking advantage of me, standing up for myself and putting myself first at times. For as long as I can remember, a lot of my head space was taken over by what people think of me. Do they like me? Do they not like me? Have I offended them? What do they think of my appearance? Why did they not speak to me? The list of questions that would race through my head on a day to day basis is endless. This paranoia became routine and used to happen with almost every person I met everyday, from my parents, my partner, my friends, an old school mate, my neighbours and even as far as with a shop assistant in the local shop. Despite the fact that I have always been quite aware of this issue I have with my image and reputation with people, I never realised just how bad it was. It wasn't until I fell really ill with depression and anxiety earlier last year that I finally realised that obsessing over what people think of me 24/7 was far from healthy, and it turns out it is one of the things that led to many horrible, suicidal and self- harming thoughts which sometimes where followed by horrible actions. It got to the point that I couldn't just switch off from certain situations which often led me to not sleeping well and often acting on these feelings which as you can imagine made situations worse. Although the extreme only happens when my mood is extremely low, for the best part of my life I have been known as a people pleaser. My determination to be liked, to be friends with everyone and to not upset anyone has led me to want to make people happy all of the time, meaning that I have been known to put others before me time and time again, going out of my way to make someone happy no matter how I was or if it didn't suit me, I would always put them first. I know this sounds a bit boastful or self righteous but it is the truth and a constant pattern in my life. Yes it is a good thing to be self- less, I have grown up believing this and I still believe that it is important to be there for others, however if my journey has taught me one thing it is that if you don't look after yourself, who will? More to the point, if people see that you are abandoning your own needs and wants constantly, why would they stop to think about how you are and what your needs are? As mean and brutal as it sounds, it is the truth and it has taken me 20 years to realise this harsh truth. So have I dealt with these issues and if so how? It is still a work in progress and something I deal with EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!! From the moment I wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night, it is a constant battle, however despite the struggle, I am working hard on changing how I act in all of my relationships, looking for that balance that is key for any relationship to work. Although it is tough, I can see a huge change in my mood and my thought process when I am in good form and putting myself first in some situations. However it is tough, as those who I used to put first, don't like my new found love and respect for myself, they don't like hearing words like "no" or even worse "would you mind helping me with this", as before I would never ask for help. So how do you achieve this balance or try to achieve it? Over the next few days I will share my tips and tricks for putting yourself first, finding and maintaining that balance and how to cope when relationships break down due to your new attitude, while sharing my own experiences when I started to change my actions and how I act in relationships now. Yes I am not a doctor or counsellor, but I have been through one heck of a journey and I feel that sharing my journey and experiences is a good way for you guys to learn how to tweak the way you act in relationships, and find that balance. Keep an eye here for the blog posts to follow which will help you deal with your paranoia and having no self worth. Yes it isn't easy to change your thought process but trust me, if I can do it and already see a change in my life for the better, you can definitely do it and it will be worth it! Love as always, Em X Hi everyone, I hope you are all enjoying this lovely ( and unusual) weather and hopefully you're not stuck inside an office on a day like today!! It is true what they say, the weather really does help brighten your mood and make you feel a lot happier in yourself, that and the fact it also can stop your skin from looking like a milk bottle!! Although I wish that this weather wasn't a novelty in Ireland, not having it everyday makes you appreciate it that bit more! So what have I been up to and why have I been so quiet lately? To be honest, I have just not had a minute to myself. I have been so busy, between one thing and another, I have just be going from one thing to the next, no rest for the wicked as they say! As a result of being so busy and barely being at home, I have been so tired, anxious and very very on edge. To make matters worse, last Wednesday was mean't to be my last appointment in the Mental Health centre in Rowlagh. As you all know I finished attending counselling up there about 5 weeks ago, so last Wednesday was basically a check up to see how I am getting on by myself and to discharge me from the service. For two weeks before the appointment, I was extremely anxious, I had no idea why and to be honest I still don't know why I was so on edge. Even at my lowest I don't think I have ever had so many panic attacks in the space of two weeks. Every five minutes I was starting to panic, in the middle of a panic attack or crying with the constant feeling that I was about to explode. I was bursting into tears for no reason sometimes, all it would take would be for someone to say hi to me or look at me funny, for my mind to jump to conclusions, go into panic mode and my heart to skip several beats. I was barely sleeping, I couldn't relax, even driving became almost impossible, I was worried about every possible thing that could go wrong on the road, as nervous as I am, I have never been that bad with regards to being nervous driving. My anxiety was making me feel crazy and more paranoid than ever, it was becoming all too familiar for my liking, like history repeating itself. It turns out I'm not ready to be fully discharged from their services. Isn't it amazing how our minds work? Especially how we remember certain things, how we link certain emotions and feelings with the simplest of things like a certain smell, song, a colour, a taste, even down to the weather, like a day out with the family, an exam, a birthday etc. any of these big moments (or even not so defining moments) can all flood back to us in just a split second with the help of one of our senses acting as a sort of an auto-cue for a play back of a scene in each of our individual movie's titled "My Life". For me, I tend to relive each aspect of each scene in my mind, from the plot, the supporting actors, the script, even as far as the emotions which may cause 'real life' goosebumps and maybe even a tear as I remember moments of both joy, but mainly, hurt, pain and anxiety. Just like a scene in a well known film, we know the outcome of the scene, we even know how we will be left feeling by the end of this showing, but we carry on watching, we carry on reliving a memory, no matter how painful it may be, because we are suckers for a good and heart wrenching drama, and lets face it what story is more heart wrenching, drama filled yet safe and familiar to us than our own? When a feeling of anxiety or panic starts to creep back into my life, I automatically think back to last year, that dreadful, horrible and draining year. It sounds so sad and stupid but when I am starting to feel anxious, a song from last year or a year old picture of myself allows me to skip straight past the anxiety build up and straight to the panic attack, no warning, no big reason, just the fact that I associate a lot of things from last year with my health and I instantly remember how devastating that year was, for everyone involved. Memory is a powerful thing, also is the art of remembering and associating things with past events, but it can also be a bitch to live with as all it seems to want to do is just drag you back ten steps while your feet are trying to continue forward. What are the things I associate with last year? Anything, anything at all. Certain songs, certain places, certain people, certain books, even certain clothes, how ridiculous is that?? Don't get me wrong, it isn't every time I hear a certain song that I break down, most of the time these things, although they bring back horrible memories, more often than not I soon remember that that was last year, and I remind myself to take a look in the mirror because I am not who I was last year. But having said that, all it takes is for a minor feeling of anxiety or panic and that is when these memories actually take over my mind and body, and make me feel as if I am back 12 months, as if I never got out of that dark hole I lived in. So what is causing my anxiety in the first place? To be honest, nothing major, nothing other than the fact that I am busy 24/7, I am constantly thinking, worrying and over analyzing something. I am not giving myself a chance to catch my breathe, I am running around, almost splitting myself into three parts, trying to keep everyone happy except myself. Don't get me wrong I like being busy, but burning the candle at both ends isn't good for anyone, especially someone who really doesn't need much help in the art of panicking. This month has also included a lot of crowds with concerts, matches and parties and the past two weeks I have been back to having a few drinks which I know neither help my health especially when I am feeling tired and drained. So where do I go from here? Unfortunately, anxiety is something that many people all over the world will experience at some stage in their life, and you know what? It is NATURAL to feel anxious at some point. What makes us human is how we react to life experiences, to stressful situation, to tough times etc., it is what separates us from robots, we have emotions and we let them take over us sometimes and that is OK! So I am facing up to the fact I am feeling a bit nervous and anxious while remembering that it won't last long if I don't allow it to. I am back trying to get a decent night's sleep, having chamomile tea, cutting down on alcohol and allowing myself to have some all important me time, something which tends to go out the window when I am trying to fit in so many things. However it is how we deal with our anxiety on a day to day basis and how we see our previous experiences with anxiety that determines how we see anxiety and if we allow it to be the protagonist in our individual movies. If you are feeling anxious or going through a difficult time, remember this, you are not alone, everyone goes through tough times but you will get through it, tough times is what makes us who we are. Love as always, Em x Last week was what I like to call a "wave week," meaning my emotions and moods have been going like an uncontrollable wave, up, down, with sharp rises and declines with no warnings which usually results in breakdowns full of wailing and enough tears to will an Olympic swimming pool. The million dollar questions at the minute is, "what is wrong with you now?", of course my reply isn't as straight forward as "if I knew I wouldn't be crying," or is it? This time last year, I had my first and long awaited appointment in Clondalkin Mental Health. This is the famous appointment were I was told "your depression isn't like the normal depression," with no indication as to what 'normal depression' is or what 'type' of depression I was suffering from. I was no clearer on 'what was wrong with me' or how to 'fix it'. Unknown to me then, this meeting would be the beginning of a dangerous and lonely chapter in my life as I began the search for 'what' was wrong with me, for a clear label, identity on the reason for my constant sadness Why are so many words or phrases in quotation marks above? The words within these marks were my permanent dictionary during the lonely and complicated summer of 2015, the summer of hell as I recently refer it to as. I used each and every one once, if not two or three times a day during those months. The thought of finding a certain thing, a diagnosis, an explanation as to why life was too much for me to handle, simply consumed me. In a weird twisted way, it gave me something to live for, to do, to focus on, it is only now I see it was this very 'mission' I had set myself that I believe distracted me from what was truly going on inside me, this mission in truth saved me, saved me from myself. Not to go all movie lingo on you all but it really is the reason why I am alive today. As you know, I eventually was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. At the time, I thought that it was great that I was finally given a name to my 'illness', I finally knew what it was, I could start working on it and seek for help. However, looking back now, this label became almost like a crutch, every time someone said how I was paranoid, or how I was extremely anxious or that I was sensitive, I blamed my this new label, "I can't help that I feel like this, it is the personality disorder", or "I can't do that because of my anxiety etc." It wasn't that I was taking the easy way out of life, I was simply convinced that I was this disorder, and nothing else. This label made me feel like I would never be happy for more than 20 minutes, that my emotions weren't stable and that they never would be. The more I read up about it, although it made more sense and I started to understand it more, I associated every feeling and every thought that I ever had with this emotionally unstable personality disorder. Another big problem, is that when my family and I researched therapy available to treat 'my condition', there was no public help available in my area and the private help available was too expensive, at one point I was thinking of selling Katie!! On a serious note, this caused more stress and I felt like I was back to square one. Eventually, Clondalkin Mental Health said we could try a few sessions with them to see if it helped to ease my current situation. Although I was on a waiting list for so long that by the time an appointment was arranged for me that I was already feeling better due to hard work and research at home, this appointment was honestly the best thing to happen to me through this whole experience. Without explaining the past 6 months in detail, the psychologist who I was paired with could not have been a better match. They worked with me through the six months, asked for my opinions, listened to me and treated me like a normal person instead of looking at me with pity eyes, (oh how I hate pity eyes!!) I explained how I liked working on strategies and putting things into practice as opposed to sitting and talking about my feelings over and over again. Don't get me wrong, counselling too saved my life, but I had got to the stage where I was fed up of listening to myself talk about how down I was, I needed to get up and put skills into practice and make my life better. The first thing that this psychologist said to me was " I don't believe in labeling someone's condition or mental health problems." To be honest, at the start this annoyed me. What was the point in identifying these conditions if we weren't going to use them and work on these issues? How was I mean't to get better if we weren't going to use this information to our advantage? However, very quickly I started to have full confidence in them, as straight away I started to see the reason behind their thinking. If you rely on this label you were given, whether it is Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Bi-polar, Anxiety, OCD etc., you will never be able to break away from it. Although this diagnosis was made by a professional doctor, at the end of the day it was made by essentially from a person who doesn't know you 100%, who doesn't see you 24/7, who doesn't know your personality, your flaws your good points. I am by no means saying you should ignore their advice and just drop this diagnosis, it is important to have an idea of what was is going on, however this doesn't mean that this diagnosis will ALWAYS relate to you. It doesn't define you, this is just a small part of you that for the meantime has been a bigger part of your life than usual. Think of a balloon. There is no exact size that it should be. Depending on the person, it can be small, medium or big, however there will come a point when that balloon may be forced to be bigger than it should be, and it will eventually pop, explode and make a mess. The balloon is your diagnosis. It isn't always a big part of your life, however when you are feeling extremely low, the diagnosis can seem to be a bigger part of you and in some cases it can consume your life. So what do we do? DO we ignore this advice the doctor gave us? No!! Definitely not, however, we need to remember this is just a small part of our life, a part that we CAN control when we have the proper skills and tools to get us through the really tough times and make life easier. I don't know if I will always suffer from this personality disorder nor does it matter. What matters is is that I am now more than ever aware of myself, my emotions, my triggers and my anxieties. I am now equipped to deal with them to make life better, that to me is more useful than a label, a label that to be honest provided more stress, more worry and more confusion. I am not a label, I am not just one thing. No one can be described as one thing, no one characteristic can describe someone, we are all many things combined and everyone is different. The same goes for mental health. Two people may suffer from anxiety but those two people will experience it in very different ways and may deal with it in different ways. You can't put a label on someone's mental health and say "This is what you have so this is what you will need to do." Unfortunately life isn't that simple. It requires work, determination and a lot of emotions, but I am telling you it is worth it. It is worth the tears, the upset because I finally not only understand my mental health, my thoughts, my emotions and my ways, I now know how to express myself in better ways, to control my fears and emotions and how to make life that bit easier. Mental Health isn't as clean cut as a label and definition and neither is the solution. Although I am more confident in the fact I have tools to deal with my mental health, I know I will have my up and downs days. There may be times when I feel extremely low and I believe that if I relied on the 'label' I was given, that I would never get up or out of the house on a down days, in fact I wouldn't have left the house the past 6 months. For me, a label is too general, you need to explore your emotions and your thoughts, it is only being doing this and practicing exercises and tools that you will learn what works for you. Although last week was a 'wave week', this week has had more highs than lows. The difference between me having a wave week now than six months ago is that I would have stayed in a low mood, I wouldn't go feel happy even if it was for a few hours. I would remain said because that is "what my diagnosis says I do, it isn't my fault". That is not true, no diagnosis is going to tell me how I should feel, I make that decision, therefore I would take a wave week every week for the year instead of a low week. I am more than a label, and so are you. Love, Emma ** WARNING THIS BLOG POST IS AN ANGRY, CONTROVERSIAL AND OUT THERE POST**
Last night I went to bed early in pain with my back, this morning I woke up refreshed and relaxed until I looked at my phone and saw the disgusting news about the Mental Health talks last night. I am sure you have all heard what happened or at least one of the ten versions that are going around. To say that I am angry is the biggest understatement of the century. I am outraged, I feel like I have gotten a kick to the stomach and to be honest it will make me think twice about even bothering to vote in the next election. Like everything, we will never know the truth about how many TDs showed up and more importantly stayed for the full duration + of the talks yesterday because there are so many different facts and figures being thrown around. To be honest it doesn't mater whether there were ten/ fifteen/ twenty/ thirty TDs there last night, they ALL should have been there to discuss what is one of the biggest issues in Ireland at the moment. 1 in five people will at some stage suffer from a mental health issue, whether they are young, in school, in college, in work etc., no matter what the circumstances, it is a huge problem in this country at the minute. The only way to stop it from getting worse and from happening to 2 people in 5 is to talk about it, encourage people to talk about it, encourage people to not be ashamed about their mental health, to offer support and to offer ways to help. The people who SHOULD be setting an example and doing all they can to help the people in this country is the government, well the TDs who are fighting like children to form a government. I don't know why I am so surprised that barely a third of them showed up because 8 weeks after the general election they are still trying to form a government. There is no doubt in my mind that if they were Irish water talks every single one of them would have showed up, since when is water more important than an illness that has been known to kill people!! It is hard to tell how many people were there and who they were as each report I have read tells a different story. However what I did read about the current minister for health completely upset me as i read although he was there for the beginning of the talks and opened the talks, he left during the talks so he could go to the other meeting which was about forming a government. Now which genius decided to schedule the two meetings at the same time? As I have said if it was another topic it would have it's own time and day to make sure that every single TD could make it. Surely the minister for health could have suggested a different time for this meeting, surely he should have done so as it is technically his job to fight for mental health and put the health of the public first. Of course forming a government is extremely important but surely one more day wouldn't have mattered seen as they are taking their time after all, especially after the recent news that they are REDUCING the amount in the budget allocated to the mental health services and issues in the country. This time last year I was told that the treatment I required was not available to me due to a lack of funding and they are trying to reduce it even more!! Surely there is another sector that they could maybe reduce slightly instead of people's health and essentially their life!! Last year, without the right treatment, my anxiety and depression worsened and to be honest if it wasn't for my Fiancé, my amazing and strong parents, my sister and my close friends I honestly would not be here today, it is the strength of the above people that got me to the place I am today. What about the people who don't have this kind of support system around them and now they may not receive the treatment they require? Please tell me why we are bothering to vote if we are not being listened to?? Niall Breslin, aka Bressie, asked people last night on Twitter to write to their local TDs to ask if they were at yesterday's debate, I have emailed them and I hope you all do aswell. Whether you have suffered yourself, whether you have a family member or a friend who has been through the mill with mental health or you know of someone who has, please please speak out, ask questions and demand answers because unless we all come together on such an important and serious issue they will NEVER listen and we will never live in a fair and equal society that our fore parents in 1916 fought for. Please please spread the word, encourage people to talk about it and ask the questions that demand answers!! All my love as always, Em XX Hi Everyone, Wow, it has been way too long since I typed that!! My last post was the start of March, MARCH!!! You may have seen on Facebook that the lack of posts was not by choice, it was due to the fact that my laptop stopped working out of nowhere and it had to be sent to the "laptop hospital", as my mam called it. To be honest, before my laptop was sent off to be fixed, I never realised how much I relied on it. Between using it for assignments, wedding shopping and research, shopping in general(despite the fact I don't even have €5 to my name) and most of all for Netflix, I use it for everything. I felt like I was missing an arm those few weeks without it, sounds dramatic but the feeling was real!! On a serious note, it wasn't until the past few days that I realised what I missed the most about not having my laptop. As sad as it may sound, I missed being able to blog so much, way more than I ever would have imagined. Before I went away on my holidays, I felt as though I didn't need to blog as much as I used to, well not for me anyway. I felt like it didn't give me the same sense of freedom and release as it originally had. I felt a lot stronger, more self aware and most of all a lot happier that I have ever felt, especially in the past two years. The main reason I continued to publish the odd post or two was because I knew I owed it to you guys, the people who have supported me since day one. I know the blog doesn't have many followers, but that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is the fact that a handful of people read every single blog post, that people find comfort in knowing that they are not the only ones feeling the way they do and that they hopefully realise that everything will be ok. I felt like I owed it to those people to blog as much (or as little) as I could but I knew deep down I wasn't doing no where near as much as I should have. What happened? Why did blogging fall on my list of priorities? To be honest, I used the excuse of not having the time, and although I will admit that I have been swamped since January, maybe looking back now I can see that I wasn't making the time for the blog. I felt like I had conquered all I needed to. Yes I am miles and miles ahead of where I was just 6 months ago, I am back working, back studying, enjoying life, making exciting life changing plans and most of all having fun, but does this mean I will never need some help and reassurance ever again? The answer is easy, no I don't sure I am better so I will never feel that down ever again, tis is what I thought was the answer, as straight forward as that. The truth is, I knew the real answer I was just afraid to admit it. At the same time that my laptop broke, the counsellor I have been seeing the past three months to work on coping techniques etc., was away for a month, which meant that I was in the big bad world by myself. The first two weeks I thought I was doing brilliantly. One thought that even crossed my mind about ten times or so was that maybe I didn't need counselling any more. Maybe I was 100% better? The last two weeks were the complete opposite. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. My mood was the lowest it had been in months, I was extremely paranoid and once again I could never relax or sleep. All of the sudden my life seemed to go from one extreme to the next. The balance that I had worked so hard to obtain was gone, vanished right before my eyes and it felt as if I would never get it back. Sounds dramatic? Yes I know, but that is what it felt like, sorry what its FEELS like to be in that bad place, every single tear, every single bad thought is magnified and your mind races to come up with all of the possible negative outcomes that may happen. What made everything change? What happened, I was feeling better. There is that phrase again, feeling better. No matter what is wrong with us, whether we are suffering from a bad cold, a stomach bug, an infection or even a bad hangover, we always use the term "soon I will feel better. What does that even mean? What does feeling better truly entail? We use it to compare one extreme from another, from feeling extremely sick to feeling 100% well again and back to yourself. Take a bad stomach bug for example. At the beginning of a bad dose, we have to rest up, be careful of what we eat and drink yet we have to try and maybe take some vitamins/ tablets as prescribed which will boost our immune systems. The next few days are crucial as we must allow the bug to run it's course yet we have to slowly build back up our strength by eating small amounts and drinking plenty of water. Once we start to do this, we may get bursts of energy from time to time which leads us to maybe going back to work or college. We feel back to ourselves and ready to go on about our daily lives as normal. However in some cases, a few day later, we start to feel ill again, due to the fat we didn't completely recover, we relied on small bursts of energy to make us believe we were better, ready to go back to normal. Now think of the same actions just regarding mental health issues. Would you take immediate care of yourself? Would you take the time out to try and nurse your mind back to health? For some reason or another we look after our physical health much quicker before our mental health, in most cases we ignore our mental health, push it to the back of our minds. Maybe it is because we can see a physical illness a lot more than a mental illness, or so we think. Imagine, however that you did look after yourself regarding your mental health. Imagine you went for help, went to your GP, exercised, ate healthy foods, practiced mindfulness etc. You started to feel better, you went back to work, started meeting with friends and going back to "normal life" but all of the sudden you started to feel low and miserable again. Similar to having a stomach bug, you feel slightly better and then all of the sudden you feel unwell again, never one hundred per sent better. That's when I realised there is no such thing as feeling 100% better no matter what case you are looking at. No one can EVER feel happy, well, amazing and positive all of the time, it isn't natural to be that happy all of the time. We are human, we have bad days, hours, even minutes. However, we have this fixation on feeling 100% better all of the time, one hour of a low mood and we automatically feel like everything is crashing down and that everything has gone wrong. Yes I know it sounds dramatic (again!!), but think about the last time you felt down, did it go from one bad day to two or three? Did you get worse as the days went on? Did you feel like it could only get worse? We need to stop think that feeling 100% amazing all of the time is achievable and real, we need to realise IT IS OK to feel down, it is OK to feel stressed, it is OK to have different emotions in the one day however it is how you deal with all of these situations and emotions that make all of the difference and that turn a bad hour to a great and positive day instead of a bad hour turning into a terrible week. So for the rest of this month I reckon we all strive to maintain an easier life, not a perfect life or feeling 100% better because neither are possible. What is possible, is working a little bit each day on ourselves, towards a happier us, to doing something small for ourselves whether it is doing some yoga exercises, or going for a run or playing some music, and listening to our minds and emotions and most of all remembering that no one is perfect, but we are working on a happier and easier life for ourselves! As always, Lots of love, Em X |
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April 2018
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